The cardinal rule for being a good doorman is being friendly, cheerful, perhaps a good conversationalist. Yet, this guy took the wrong approach when preparing for work.
Good morning. What? Why are you running away? I'm just trying to talk to you. Why do you keep flinching? Hello!?!?
As if the warnings of your parents and the dentists weren't enough, always brush your teeth in the morning. The doorman was sent home for having bad breath. He did decide to stop eating garlic (How much of it was he eating before?!?) and use mouthwash and take breath mints. Maybe he was taking garlic breath mints. Or maybe someone switched out his mints for those Harry Potter jelly beans , and he was eating an odd assortment of disgusting taste sensations. Now, seriously though, I'm curious. How bad was his breath? I mean, doesn't the doorman sit behind a desk or at least not within close proximity to you when you come and go from a building? Was it so powerful that people could smell it from across the lobby? I'm imagining someone with breath hitting from afar. You'd think people would be able to see a visible trace of something that bad. Where will he end up next? Perhaps radio DJ, where he can be in a booth without company? Working from home? Could it really be that bad? Poor guy. So many questions....so few answers...
Friday, December 7, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Saving the World Through Flatulence
Now, here's something that I haven't heard come up in any of Al Gore's speeches.
Do you smell something? I smell a cleaner planet
"Don't look at me, Mate. I'm here to save the world!"
Apparently, there's a bacteria in the kangaroo stomach that allows them to break down food differently than other animals. Why is this relevant? According to a study, 14% of the global warming emissions is the methane gas coming from cattle. I've never been to Australia, but I'm assuming that it isn't much smellier than living in New York is, but it looks like the cattle are causing some ripe problems. Who'd have known that so much damage was being done? There's a third grade quality silent but deadly joke in their somewhere that I'm missing. Don't blame the kangaroos though, their special stomachs allow them to produce clean gas. Yes, the kangaroos are apparently keeping the world safer, even if they put away a particularly bean filled bowl of chili. Mad scientists want to see if they can start modifying other animals to have this too. Did I say mad? I meant...scientists. I'm all about saving the world, but doesn't it seem like we're really grasping at straws here if they're trying to fix it this way. Somehow, I don't think the answer to the world's environmental problems lies in whatever is coming out of a sheep's ass.
Do you smell something? I smell a cleaner planet
"Don't look at me, Mate. I'm here to save the world!"
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I Just Called to Say I'm Creepy
I came across this link today, which is certainly an odd collision of the cyber and real world we live in today.
Hey Baby, u don't know me, but I'm standing across this bar checking u out. :) LOL :)
Now, approaching someone online is one thing. I know plenty of people who have gotten into things like match.com, but this is something else entirely. It's apparently some sort of service that allows you to text people across the room from you to "break the ice." I mean..wow. Really? I feel like nothing would flatter a girl more than texting her to tell her that she looks good, but I'm too chicken to actually come and talk to her. What's the protocol for her then? Text you back or is she forced to start the actual conversation?
Entertainingly enough, this is a direct sentence from their site, "This approach is so new and unique that very few people understand the situations in which it will work for them, or the full potential of this idea." No kidding guys. People don't entirely understand it, cause it's a little odd. If you're bold enough to go on this blind date, speed dating like location, you'd think you could talk to someone. You're all there in a big meet up meat market. The ice is already broken!
There's also a section on when this would NOT work for someone. First off, if you live in a rural environment. Sorry farmland areas, you're going to have to resort to online, there's no local bar for you. Then, if you're going through a painful break up:
Sadly, it's only in the UK. One day, kids....one day.
Hey Baby, u don't know me, but I'm standing across this bar checking u out. :) LOL :)
Now, approaching someone online is one thing. I know plenty of people who have gotten into things like match.com, but this is something else entirely. It's apparently some sort of service that allows you to text people across the room from you to "break the ice." I mean..wow. Really? I feel like nothing would flatter a girl more than texting her to tell her that she looks good, but I'm too chicken to actually come and talk to her. What's the protocol for her then? Text you back or is she forced to start the actual conversation?
Entertainingly enough, this is a direct sentence from their site, "This approach is so new and unique that very few people understand the situations in which it will work for them, or the full potential of this idea." No kidding guys. People don't entirely understand it, cause it's a little odd. If you're bold enough to go on this blind date, speed dating like location, you'd think you could talk to someone. You're all there in a big meet up meat market. The ice is already broken!
There's also a section on when this would NOT work for someone. First off, if you live in a rural environment. Sorry farmland areas, you're going to have to resort to online, there's no local bar for you. Then, if you're going through a painful break up:
"I'm still getting over a difficult breakup, will Ice Brkr still work for me?
If you're feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, you may want to make sure you have the support of close friends while meeting new people in a bar via Ice Brkr. Or you may want to consider online dating in the first instance and move on to Ice Brkr when you're feeling a bit stronger."
Damn, I have to be emotionally strong to use this site? Well there goes that. At the very least, my friends will be there with me, when the girl comes to kick my ass for texting her creepy stalker messages from across the bar!Sadly, it's only in the UK. One day, kids....one day.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
How Much Do I Tip the Pizza Guy?
Ever been standing next to the delivery guy, holding a bag of food, and thinking, "What the hell do I give this guy?"
There are all those supposed shorthand methods to what is good and bad tipping. I live in New York, and we've got our cab tipping rates. It's always $1 plus the leftover change, but if your cabbie gets into an accident, then he only gets the business end of your stern talking to, as you hop out to go about your way. Sometimes, the cabbie gets a little angry at that tip (I think it goes up accordingly per $10, so $2 plus the change for anything over $20), but if he drives you all the way out to the airport and doesn't do anything but pop the trunk, then what am I paying for? The pleasure of manual labor?
This doesn't mean that I'm into undertipping. I feel too guilty to do that. The lowest restaurant tip that I'll give is still doubling the 8.25% tax. Although, I do recall one time as a child and out with my parents, where the waiter left in the middle of our dinner. He literally left for the night, and not to the store for an extra block of cheese. I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt of a family emergency, but he just strolled down the street, happy as could be, as if he didn't have a care in the world. This left the dilemma of whether or not to tip the waiter who subbed in for him at the end. He did a good job taking care of the check and clearing the dishes, but if they don't all pool tips, then it was sort of like tipping the person who comes in and cleans the whore house after the hookers have gone home (Sadly, a process that I've witnessed, but a story for another day).
This brings me to my original point. There's a system for figuring all these out. What do you tip the pizza guy? For some reason, I've never had any idea. I find myself standing there counting bills under pressure like a game of beat the clock. Part of me hopes that if I count it slow enough, the delivery guy will just tell me a reasonable answer. Of course, after a minute of stalling, I'd almost give him $100 just to end the awkward silence. Tonight, I ordered my dinner from a restaurant online, and it allows you to factor in a tip with your online credit card purchase. When the guy showed up though, the receipt I had to sign had another line for "extra gratuity." Hadn't I already tipped? I didn't know what to do with myself, so I added another dollar. Bottom line, I need a good tipping system. The restaurant might have your name off a credit card, but the delivery guy knows where you live. I make it a practice to not anger people who know where I live.
There are all those supposed shorthand methods to what is good and bad tipping. I live in New York, and we've got our cab tipping rates. It's always $1 plus the leftover change, but if your cabbie gets into an accident, then he only gets the business end of your stern talking to, as you hop out to go about your way. Sometimes, the cabbie gets a little angry at that tip (I think it goes up accordingly per $10, so $2 plus the change for anything over $20), but if he drives you all the way out to the airport and doesn't do anything but pop the trunk, then what am I paying for? The pleasure of manual labor?
This doesn't mean that I'm into undertipping. I feel too guilty to do that. The lowest restaurant tip that I'll give is still doubling the 8.25% tax. Although, I do recall one time as a child and out with my parents, where the waiter left in the middle of our dinner. He literally left for the night, and not to the store for an extra block of cheese. I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt of a family emergency, but he just strolled down the street, happy as could be, as if he didn't have a care in the world. This left the dilemma of whether or not to tip the waiter who subbed in for him at the end. He did a good job taking care of the check and clearing the dishes, but if they don't all pool tips, then it was sort of like tipping the person who comes in and cleans the whore house after the hookers have gone home (Sadly, a process that I've witnessed, but a story for another day).
This brings me to my original point. There's a system for figuring all these out. What do you tip the pizza guy? For some reason, I've never had any idea. I find myself standing there counting bills under pressure like a game of beat the clock. Part of me hopes that if I count it slow enough, the delivery guy will just tell me a reasonable answer. Of course, after a minute of stalling, I'd almost give him $100 just to end the awkward silence. Tonight, I ordered my dinner from a restaurant online, and it allows you to factor in a tip with your online credit card purchase. When the guy showed up though, the receipt I had to sign had another line for "extra gratuity." Hadn't I already tipped? I didn't know what to do with myself, so I added another dollar. Bottom line, I need a good tipping system. The restaurant might have your name off a credit card, but the delivery guy knows where you live. I make it a practice to not anger people who know where I live.
Monday, December 3, 2007
All is Right With the World Again
Fear not, everyone. Apparently, Siegfried and Roy are open to one day making a comeback.
I promise you that tigers are nice, and my tiger friend loves me. What? No one believes me? Come on, come play with my tiger friend.
The most shocking thing about this article to me is actually how old they are. I had no idea Siegfried was nearly 70 and Roy was in his early 60s. Really guys? How rich are you by now? I know when I'm 63, that I'll be preparing for some sort of peaceful retirement and I'm not going to be getting my jollys by putting my head inside a tiger's toothy mouth!
I promise you that tigers are nice, and my tiger friend loves me. What? No one believes me? Come on, come play with my tiger friend.
The most shocking thing about this article to me is actually how old they are. I had no idea Siegfried was nearly 70 and Roy was in his early 60s. Really guys? How rich are you by now? I know when I'm 63, that I'll be preparing for some sort of peaceful retirement and I'm not going to be getting my jollys by putting my head inside a tiger's toothy mouth!
Tis the Season...
Here we are, the holidays are upon us again. The tree has been lit at Rockefeller Center, the ice skating rinks are open again, people are outside ringing bells collecting for the needy, and the kids have started hopping into Santa's lap to find out if he'll get them what they've always wanted for Christmas. Of course, in this case, all Santa and his little friend got was a big bit of pie.
I love the way that pie oozes through your beard
This creatively named kid, "Clint Westwood," apparently took matters into his own hands to teach Santa a lesson for giving him that large sack of coal last year. He slammed a pumpkin pie into Santa's face while he was working at the mall. He wanted to wait for the little girl to move away, but then decided it was funnier with her in the shot. This budding filmmaker also recorded the whole thing, but was arrested before Santa could sign the release. Somehow, I feel like Clint Westwood is a stage name pulled from the farthest depths of creativity. It reeks of artistic genius...it almost sounds like a name I've heard before that might give the allusion of fame. Even the cop is unimpressed, as he states that Santa could have kicked this guy's ass if he'd gone over after. You certainly never saw Clint Eastwood get beat up by Santa.
I love the way that pie oozes through your beard
This creatively named kid, "Clint Westwood," apparently took matters into his own hands to teach Santa a lesson for giving him that large sack of coal last year. He slammed a pumpkin pie into Santa's face while he was working at the mall. He wanted to wait for the little girl to move away, but then decided it was funnier with her in the shot. This budding filmmaker also recorded the whole thing, but was arrested before Santa could sign the release. Somehow, I feel like Clint Westwood is a stage name pulled from the farthest depths of creativity. It reeks of artistic genius...it almost sounds like a name I've heard before that might give the allusion of fame. Even the cop is unimpressed, as he states that Santa could have kicked this guy's ass if he'd gone over after. You certainly never saw Clint Eastwood get beat up by Santa.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Peppering Your Way to Victory
The Miss Universe Pageant got a little ugly on Sunday. I guess even those beauty queens will go to desperate measures to ensure victory.
I swear this dress is itchier than normal. What's it made out of?
Apparently, someone was so dead set on Miss Puerto Rico not pulling out a victory, that a series of pranks occurred. Her bag and credit cards were all stolen, a bomb threat was called in to halt competition and finally, someone covered her clothes and makeup with pepper spray! Pepper spray? That ingenius bastard. Now, despite this being a clever and sneaky way to exact a little vengeance, the perpetrator forgot one tiny little detail. This is a beauty competition. It's not like the winner actually gets to rule over the universe. It's the only competition in the world where when someone says, "Oh, she's just another pretty face," that's a compliment. Also, "Miss Universe" is a bit of a misnomer, I mean, do we really know that she's better looking than the top level ladies of Planet Greeblenor 9? Get it together, beauty pageant prankster. There are more important things in life.
I swear this dress is itchier than normal. What's it made out of?
Apparently, someone was so dead set on Miss Puerto Rico not pulling out a victory, that a series of pranks occurred. Her bag and credit cards were all stolen, a bomb threat was called in to halt competition and finally, someone covered her clothes and makeup with pepper spray! Pepper spray? That ingenius bastard. Now, despite this being a clever and sneaky way to exact a little vengeance, the perpetrator forgot one tiny little detail. This is a beauty competition. It's not like the winner actually gets to rule over the universe. It's the only competition in the world where when someone says, "Oh, she's just another pretty face," that's a compliment. Also, "Miss Universe" is a bit of a misnomer, I mean, do we really know that she's better looking than the top level ladies of Planet Greeblenor 9? Get it together, beauty pageant prankster. There are more important things in life.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Potato Day
Well, the turkey has come and gone, the family fun has ended, but there was a much more important issue that people weighed in on. Turkey Schmurkey. How do you like your mashed potatoes? It is the main job that I partake in on the bestest of all holidays....one devoted to devouring tasty food.
To Lump or Not to Lump
Besides the fact that my potato mashing audience did not reply kindly to suggestions of change (Apparently, no one likes to break with tradition), there is always a question of the lump to smoothness ratio. Now, I feel like without any lumps whatsoever, then how is one to know that they have been mashed entirely by hand. However, with too much lumpiness, then it is apparent and poor tasting. I mean, let's face it, who wants to chew their way through a lot of potato to get to the good stuff. This year there was a lot of stressful tasks involved in getting it all ready.
Supplies were missing at first, there were greater time constraints, 3 other pots to manage on the stove at the same time. It was nearly impossible to create any kind of potato masterpiece under conditions such as though. However, I battened down, stretched out my fingers and went to town on those potatoes. There was no time for hesitation. With the hour growing later and the masses growing hungrier, every mash could be my last. The feverish mashing went on and on. My mother was just going to have to wait to get the stuffing finished, and the corn, and the green beans, and the sweet potatoes. Oh no, what horror have I caused? I wiped the potato from my forehead, and I looked down at the two filled pots of mashed up goodness. Were they ready? I had no choice but to abandon my post. Dinner could not be delayed for mashed perfection. The needs of the many food courses outweighed the few.
Luck would strike me soon after. The crowds were happy. The angry villager family members put down their pitchforks. I had underestimated the creation that I had made due to time constraints. My potato legacy was untainted, and the magic would carry on for at least one more year without me being voted off of potato island
To Lump or Not to Lump
Besides the fact that my potato mashing audience did not reply kindly to suggestions of change (Apparently, no one likes to break with tradition), there is always a question of the lump to smoothness ratio. Now, I feel like without any lumps whatsoever, then how is one to know that they have been mashed entirely by hand. However, with too much lumpiness, then it is apparent and poor tasting. I mean, let's face it, who wants to chew their way through a lot of potato to get to the good stuff. This year there was a lot of stressful tasks involved in getting it all ready.
Supplies were missing at first, there were greater time constraints, 3 other pots to manage on the stove at the same time. It was nearly impossible to create any kind of potato masterpiece under conditions such as though. However, I battened down, stretched out my fingers and went to town on those potatoes. There was no time for hesitation. With the hour growing later and the masses growing hungrier, every mash could be my last. The feverish mashing went on and on. My mother was just going to have to wait to get the stuffing finished, and the corn, and the green beans, and the sweet potatoes. Oh no, what horror have I caused? I wiped the potato from my forehead, and I looked down at the two filled pots of mashed up goodness. Were they ready? I had no choice but to abandon my post. Dinner could not be delayed for mashed perfection. The needs of the many food courses outweighed the few.
Luck would strike me soon after. The crowds were happy. The angry villager family members put down their pitchforks. I had underestimated the creation that I had made due to time constraints. My potato legacy was untainted, and the magic would carry on for at least one more year without me being voted off of potato island
Friday, November 2, 2007
At Least Spider-Man Turned Out OK...
Spider bites can lead to all sorts of dangerous outcomes. There's swollen limbs, poison, super powers, and also the ever present desire to suddenly rape someone.
The spider made me do it!
Instantly climbing the ladder to the top 5 of the dumbest criminals, this guy tried to convince a court that the poison from a spider is what made him crazy enough to become a rapist. Strong defense there, pal. Next time, I get stung by a bee, then I can't wait to see what I'll get away with. I have been feeling like cash is a little tight. I didn't mean to rob that bank, the bee made me do it. Something about the combination of the honey and the toxins made me turn into Loony McPsycho, the publisher of the Crazytown Gazette. Imagine what a mosquito might do. That taint to the bloodstream could make you go insane with rage. Who is that person who looked at you funny when you cut them off getting off the subway? Next time, buddy, next time, I'm going to....what's that? Oh, he lost the case? Um, disregard this last paragraph.
The spider made me do it!
Instantly climbing the ladder to the top 5 of the dumbest criminals, this guy tried to convince a court that the poison from a spider is what made him crazy enough to become a rapist. Strong defense there, pal. Next time, I get stung by a bee, then I can't wait to see what I'll get away with. I have been feeling like cash is a little tight. I didn't mean to rob that bank, the bee made me do it. Something about the combination of the honey and the toxins made me turn into Loony McPsycho, the publisher of the Crazytown Gazette. Imagine what a mosquito might do. That taint to the bloodstream could make you go insane with rage. Who is that person who looked at you funny when you cut them off getting off the subway? Next time, buddy, next time, I'm going to....what's that? Oh, he lost the case? Um, disregard this last paragraph.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Way Too Life Like..Er..Dead Like
Here's an example of what not to be for halloween:
Wait, I'm alive! I swear! I'm not a real zombie. What're you doing?
This guy fell asleep on the train ride back from a halloween party to his town in Germany. The other train riders, who according to the article are "not familiar with halloween,"so naturally, I'd think a zombie on my train was a real dead person. How out do you have to be to have people think you're really dead? I mean how much partying had he done? Although, to the credit of his fellow passengers, if his hands and face were all bloody, then I probably wouldn't want to touch him too much either. I do like that the assumption was, "Oh no, this poor guy have been brutally beaten within an inch of his life, and with his dying breath he was only able to reach the train." Even the police didn't get into the festivities and they made him take off his makeup before he could continue on. Keep this in mind during halloween night. Don't make your costume TOO realistic. Although, somehow I feel like this wouldn't have happened if the guy had dressed up like Darkwing Duck.
Wait, I'm alive! I swear! I'm not a real zombie. What're you doing?
This guy fell asleep on the train ride back from a halloween party to his town in Germany. The other train riders, who according to the article are "not familiar with halloween,"so naturally, I'd think a zombie on my train was a real dead person. How out do you have to be to have people think you're really dead? I mean how much partying had he done? Although, to the credit of his fellow passengers, if his hands and face were all bloody, then I probably wouldn't want to touch him too much either. I do like that the assumption was, "Oh no, this poor guy have been brutally beaten within an inch of his life, and with his dying breath he was only able to reach the train." Even the police didn't get into the festivities and they made him take off his makeup before he could continue on. Keep this in mind during halloween night. Don't make your costume TOO realistic. Although, somehow I feel like this wouldn't have happened if the guy had dressed up like Darkwing Duck.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Dirty Dentistry
Talk about going out of your way for the patient.
Wait, those aren't your wisdom teeth?
I'm sure he's got a good reason. I mean...it's natural to prepare the mouth and jaw with some groping. Is this guy the sleaziest medical professional ever or is he some type of twisted genius? Feeling someone up in the name of good dentistry. I'm really not sure what type of jaw pains are fixed by some solid above the shirt heavy petting, but somehow, I've got faith that this guy will get to the bottom of it. That, or he may end up with an entirely different type of people looking for the solution to their newest clicking jaw problem and enjoying the exam way too much. It could be an entirely profitable side job of shady dentistry much like the pizza place with hidden strip club bar in the back that I stumbled upon a year or so ago. They served up a slice and then an illegal immigrant dancer on the side. There was also the building I lived in a few years ago that housed a brothel on the first floor. Nothing like coming home to oddly desperate looking men prowling your hallways. When the police busted it, the NY Post reported that it was turning 3 million dollars a year! Was it theoretically an illegal establishment? Yes. Was it a bit sketchy? Of course. However, I bet they were all doing more profitable business than I ever will. It's a dirty world out there, and we just live in it.
Wait, those aren't your wisdom teeth?
I'm sure he's got a good reason. I mean...it's natural to prepare the mouth and jaw with some groping. Is this guy the sleaziest medical professional ever or is he some type of twisted genius? Feeling someone up in the name of good dentistry. I'm really not sure what type of jaw pains are fixed by some solid above the shirt heavy petting, but somehow, I've got faith that this guy will get to the bottom of it. That, or he may end up with an entirely different type of people looking for the solution to their newest clicking jaw problem and enjoying the exam way too much. It could be an entirely profitable side job of shady dentistry much like the pizza place with hidden strip club bar in the back that I stumbled upon a year or so ago. They served up a slice and then an illegal immigrant dancer on the side. There was also the building I lived in a few years ago that housed a brothel on the first floor. Nothing like coming home to oddly desperate looking men prowling your hallways. When the police busted it, the NY Post reported that it was turning 3 million dollars a year! Was it theoretically an illegal establishment? Yes. Was it a bit sketchy? Of course. However, I bet they were all doing more profitable business than I ever will. It's a dirty world out there, and we just live in it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Not Sleeping with the Fishes
Mobsters all over the world are going to need a new expression pretty soon. You think that you have problems sleeping at night? Perhaps you should just head over to the fish tank and commiserate with your little swimming pal.
Could you keep it down out there? It's hard enough to sleep in this glowing tank of water you keep me in!
Let's analyze this for a minute. As an expert on having insomnia myself, it's really annoying to be tired and clunky the next day. However, the fish isn't stumbling through his work day. He needs to be extra alert to...what's that? Right, swim around in a circle. Oh, you're too tired to sleep? Well, stop swimming around in a circle all day and getting re-energized. His whole life is just confined to this couple foot area glass container. I'd probably be pretty depressed too and unable to sleep. At least Nemo got to have a wild deep sea adventure with Rosie O'Donnell to add the much needed jolt of excitement to his life forever. Poor little zebrafish. Trapped forever in a sleepless tank full of nothing but doldrums and occasionally sprinkled fish food.
Could you keep it down out there? It's hard enough to sleep in this glowing tank of water you keep me in!
Let's analyze this for a minute. As an expert on having insomnia myself, it's really annoying to be tired and clunky the next day. However, the fish isn't stumbling through his work day. He needs to be extra alert to...what's that? Right, swim around in a circle. Oh, you're too tired to sleep? Well, stop swimming around in a circle all day and getting re-energized. His whole life is just confined to this couple foot area glass container. I'd probably be pretty depressed too and unable to sleep. At least Nemo got to have a wild deep sea adventure with Rosie O'Donnell to add the much needed jolt of excitement to his life forever. Poor little zebrafish. Trapped forever in a sleepless tank full of nothing but doldrums and occasionally sprinkled fish food.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Almost Winning Everything
I was thinking today, as I dropped another few dollars at McDonalds hoping to win the cool million dollars in monopoly, how easy it is to keep people coming back for such a simple little scam..er..i mean game. Here I was with many a lunch option, but sure enough the mere sight of that monopoly board sucked me in. What's the result? I almost won again. I've got 2 of just about everything, and i'm one piece away from a mountain of prizes. Aren't we always almost winning in contests? You know, if I play one more time, then I'm sure to get boardwalk and that million dollars, right? Almost winning these promotions is like almost running a marathon when you take the bus to the end after 2 miles. Ever notice how all the people they have in their "winners" videos are either old an retired or in a wheelchair. They all seem to be these inspiring stories of hope and not a single person who is just pumped for some big cash. I'd make a massive argument for the moral high ground of fighting the man and not playing the game, but I can't. I think i'm only one or two more angus third pounders away from my million dollar success story. I'll see you at the counter!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Pepsi Gets Desperate
There's been lots of epic battles throughout history, but perhaps none quite as undecided and enduring through time as Coke vs Pepsi.
Try this Pepsi Challenge on for size!
Two delivery guys at a walmart came to blows after dropping off their shipment of pepsi and coke, respectively. The moment everyone was waiting for. A drop down brawl over soda supremacy. The article claims to not know the origins of the brawl, but I think everyone knows the truth. It definitely started with Pepsi Man being a bully. Sure, pepsi may have powerful spokespeople like P Diddy, Jessica Simpson and I believe, even Carson Daly back when people remembered who he was, but it sounds to me like pepsi is just a bully. The poor Coke Man was minding his own business, then BAM! No doubt, pepsi had yelled something disparaging about his mother, as he did so. Coke reached up to defend itself, but was just blindsided by a barrage of fists. Is that what pepsi really stands for? Unprovoked attack? Next time you see a pepsi display case, I say knock it down! Coke lovers of the world unite! Let's stop this vile criminal element before it tries to spread its seed to the world's children too. It used to be only diet pepsi that got this reaction out of me, cause it tastes like old dishwater, but now, I say we must rise up and stop the entire evil pepsi empire!
Try this Pepsi Challenge on for size!
Two delivery guys at a walmart came to blows after dropping off their shipment of pepsi and coke, respectively. The moment everyone was waiting for. A drop down brawl over soda supremacy. The article claims to not know the origins of the brawl, but I think everyone knows the truth. It definitely started with Pepsi Man being a bully. Sure, pepsi may have powerful spokespeople like P Diddy, Jessica Simpson and I believe, even Carson Daly back when people remembered who he was, but it sounds to me like pepsi is just a bully. The poor Coke Man was minding his own business, then BAM! No doubt, pepsi had yelled something disparaging about his mother, as he did so. Coke reached up to defend itself, but was just blindsided by a barrage of fists. Is that what pepsi really stands for? Unprovoked attack? Next time you see a pepsi display case, I say knock it down! Coke lovers of the world unite! Let's stop this vile criminal element before it tries to spread its seed to the world's children too. It used to be only diet pepsi that got this reaction out of me, cause it tastes like old dishwater, but now, I say we must rise up and stop the entire evil pepsi empire!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Gotta Have That Applebees
This little kid in Colorado knew what he wanted to eat, and it was not on the menu of items that his mom could prepare for him. He wanted some of that classic Applebees goodness, and he wanted it bad. So, that led him to do what any 6 year old would do. He hopped in the car and hit the road.
Driving good in the neighborhood
The best part is not that a 6 year old tried to drive his family's car, just so he could have some Applebees, it's that he couldn't even get it out of reverse, and he ended up blacking out the whole neighborhood, when he hit a transformer. The big difference between that small Colorado town and if that were to happen in New York is that no one cared or pressed charges. One woman was even quoted as saying she totally understood cause she has 5 children of her own and how can you be expected to watch them at all times? I'm most in shock over it being an applebees. I mean, who doesn't love that quality family eating at a good price, but enough to steal Grandma's car and hightail it down there? He also confessed to the accident afterwards. The kid is 6, he's old enough to know better, and by know better, I mean he's old enough to know that he could at least try blaming it on someone else. I mean come on, 27 hours got blacked out. I would have at least put in a half hearted attempt to blame troublesome jimmy from next door. Next time he attempts vehicular robbery to eat a chain restaurant, I hope he's using his head more.
Driving good in the neighborhood
The best part is not that a 6 year old tried to drive his family's car, just so he could have some Applebees, it's that he couldn't even get it out of reverse, and he ended up blacking out the whole neighborhood, when he hit a transformer. The big difference between that small Colorado town and if that were to happen in New York is that no one cared or pressed charges. One woman was even quoted as saying she totally understood cause she has 5 children of her own and how can you be expected to watch them at all times? I'm most in shock over it being an applebees. I mean, who doesn't love that quality family eating at a good price, but enough to steal Grandma's car and hightail it down there? He also confessed to the accident afterwards. The kid is 6, he's old enough to know better, and by know better, I mean he's old enough to know that he could at least try blaming it on someone else. I mean come on, 27 hours got blacked out. I would have at least put in a half hearted attempt to blame troublesome jimmy from next door. Next time he attempts vehicular robbery to eat a chain restaurant, I hope he's using his head more.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Real Men Beat Birds
Nobody likes to be made a fool of. Especially really excessively prideful men.
I'm manlier than this bird!
2 guys got attacked by an ostrich named, Gaylord, when they broke onto an ostrich ranch in a drunken stupor. What else could their female companions do but laugh? I mean, who doesn't think 2 guys getting kicked by an ostrich is hilarious? I hope they flew back in a cartoony like fashion. Well, these two resourceful young men did what anyone else would do. They went and taught that bird a lesson, and killed him with a rifle and a shotgun. Wait a minute...they what? That is the ultimate form of intelligence and self esteem right there. Gunning down a random ostrich. It's a shame he didn't kick them in the face. Clearly, these aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. They definitely get the giant tool of the year award. If you ever look stupid, then you just kill the thing that embarrassed you. Logic that cannot be argued. I'm sure they thought the same thing after walking into signs or falling to the ground and trying to shoot the inanimate objects. Guess what else looks stupid? Shooting an ostrich.
I'm manlier than this bird!
2 guys got attacked by an ostrich named, Gaylord, when they broke onto an ostrich ranch in a drunken stupor. What else could their female companions do but laugh? I mean, who doesn't think 2 guys getting kicked by an ostrich is hilarious? I hope they flew back in a cartoony like fashion. Well, these two resourceful young men did what anyone else would do. They went and taught that bird a lesson, and killed him with a rifle and a shotgun. Wait a minute...they what? That is the ultimate form of intelligence and self esteem right there. Gunning down a random ostrich. It's a shame he didn't kick them in the face. Clearly, these aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. They definitely get the giant tool of the year award. If you ever look stupid, then you just kill the thing that embarrassed you. Logic that cannot be argued. I'm sure they thought the same thing after walking into signs or falling to the ground and trying to shoot the inanimate objects. Guess what else looks stupid? Shooting an ostrich.
Elephants Are Just Big Sissies
Pretty soon no one will be scared of an incoming elephant stampede. Gone will be the days where you were scared to stroll around the street, lest you become the victim of the deafening sound of an elephant as it tramples over your car. It turns after all, that elephants are just as wimpy as we are.
Don't sting me! Please! Ow! Not on the trunk!
Elephants are scared of bees. When I was a kid, I stepped on a bees' nest once that had fallen from a tree. Somewhere between the running in terror, screaming in pain, and wondering if I would suffer the same fate as Macaulay Culkin in, "My Girl," a bee fear was born. However, I was also a much shorter, skinny, young child. Apparently, young me was braver than an elephant. Elephants may be scared off just by the buzzing sounds, and yet I stepped headlong into that nest (by accident, yes), and those warning buzzes didn't frighten me. Bring it on Grown Up Dumbos. I'm not afraid of you! What's that? Buzzzzzz. Yeah, you want more of that? Buzzzzz
Don't sting me! Please! Ow! Not on the trunk!
Elephants are scared of bees. When I was a kid, I stepped on a bees' nest once that had fallen from a tree. Somewhere between the running in terror, screaming in pain, and wondering if I would suffer the same fate as Macaulay Culkin in, "My Girl," a bee fear was born. However, I was also a much shorter, skinny, young child. Apparently, young me was braver than an elephant. Elephants may be scared off just by the buzzing sounds, and yet I stepped headlong into that nest (by accident, yes), and those warning buzzes didn't frighten me. Bring it on Grown Up Dumbos. I'm not afraid of you! What's that? Buzzzzzz. Yeah, you want more of that? Buzzzzz
Monday, October 8, 2007
Too Hot to Handle
Yesterday was the 30th Chicago marathon. As a former cross country runner for all my middle and high school days years back, I have always been tempted to attempt running it, and every time it comes time for trying to register for New York, something stops me. Even after I learned in a health class that the human body isn't built to run more than approximately 20 miles. That little voice still said, "You go run that marathon and torture yourself!" One of my friends ran it a couple years ago, and that was another waste of inspiration. However, periodically, fate intervenes and reminds me that I've made the right choice.
Mother Nature Strikes at Long Distance Runners
In what's really a terrible story, the heat was so bad that they had to stop the Chicago marathon after 3.5 hours. One man even died from it. If there's one thing I could imagine that's worse than running 26.2 miles, it's running 26.2 miles in lots of heat. I don't even like walking to the corner store in crazy heat, let alone partaking in strenuous physical activity. I remember recently in Boston, they wouldn't cancel the marathon, despite excessively dangerous muddy conditions. They even told runners to bring an extra pair of shoes or clothes. I know that I've always felt that distance running is much easier when you have a pair of shoes and change of clothes dangling around your neck, just in case. You know what would have also been smart? Canceling the event. Kudos to Chicago for cutting off the crazy.
Mother Nature Strikes at Long Distance Runners
In what's really a terrible story, the heat was so bad that they had to stop the Chicago marathon after 3.5 hours. One man even died from it. If there's one thing I could imagine that's worse than running 26.2 miles, it's running 26.2 miles in lots of heat. I don't even like walking to the corner store in crazy heat, let alone partaking in strenuous physical activity. I remember recently in Boston, they wouldn't cancel the marathon, despite excessively dangerous muddy conditions. They even told runners to bring an extra pair of shoes or clothes. I know that I've always felt that distance running is much easier when you have a pair of shoes and change of clothes dangling around your neck, just in case. You know what would have also been smart? Canceling the event. Kudos to Chicago for cutting off the crazy.
Twisted Genius
Do you love New York and all the other nonstop VH1 reality shows? It must take a crackpot team of hundreds to crack into the stratosphere of entertainment.
We are the two luckiest guys in the world
Now, clearly as a writer, there is an inherent frustration with the world of reality tv, so I sat down to write a scathing review about how ridiculous it is that these two guys have probably made millions off the fast produced reality show genre. However, a funny thing happened on the way to my rants and raves. Wait, give me a second to power through the painful realization....I am actually oddly drawn to some of these shows. There's something oddly addicting about them. It can be like a form of television crack. I'll be lying around on a saturday afternoon, then next thing I know, I've clocked 5 hours of watching Bret Michaels scour through candidates before finding "the one to rock with." It's so addicting that you're not even put off by the fact that these guys' reality shows have already given us 4 different "true love" relationships for Flava Flav. So, go forth and create young reality show geniuses. No doubt viewers will continue to watch and pretend that they don't to the general public.
We are the two luckiest guys in the world
Now, clearly as a writer, there is an inherent frustration with the world of reality tv, so I sat down to write a scathing review about how ridiculous it is that these two guys have probably made millions off the fast produced reality show genre. However, a funny thing happened on the way to my rants and raves. Wait, give me a second to power through the painful realization....I am actually oddly drawn to some of these shows. There's something oddly addicting about them. It can be like a form of television crack. I'll be lying around on a saturday afternoon, then next thing I know, I've clocked 5 hours of watching Bret Michaels scour through candidates before finding "the one to rock with." It's so addicting that you're not even put off by the fact that these guys' reality shows have already given us 4 different "true love" relationships for Flava Flav. So, go forth and create young reality show geniuses. No doubt viewers will continue to watch and pretend that they don't to the general public.
Friday, October 5, 2007
The Subway Seat Takeback
I witnessed a very interesting interaction on my commute home yesterday. It was a crowded subway during the evening rush hour, and one seat opened up. A younger guy offered this older woman the seat, and she declined it, so he sat down. A few minutes later, the train was moving painfully slow, so she looked over to him and said, "you know what? I changed my mind, and I'd like the seat now." He laughed at the comment politely thinking it a bad joke in the course of subway small talk. The woman wasn't kidding. She now wanted to sit down.
An interesting dilemma to be raised. As she would bring up, he did offer her the seat, wasn't it still hers to be claimed? He said something about how his back hurts, so he didn't want to stand once he was sitting already and apologized. Now, yes, I felt bad for this woman who had to stand with the rest of us during the slowest ride ever, but is there really a precedent for a subway seat takeback? If I offer you a bite of my pizza, and you refuse, then I finish it and you change your mind, I'm not about to regurgitate you a section to enjoy. I can't ask the cashier at the drug store for my $5 back because you decided later on that you actually did want to buy a copy of the new US Weekly.
Can someone request that a kind gesture be upheld minutes after the fact? I'm going to have to vote no. I'm also going to have to vote that the guy should have done the classic, "pretend you're sleeping so that you don't feel guilty seeing people who are older, more injured or more pregnant than you wishing they had your seat" move. You snooze you lose, old timer.
An interesting dilemma to be raised. As she would bring up, he did offer her the seat, wasn't it still hers to be claimed? He said something about how his back hurts, so he didn't want to stand once he was sitting already and apologized. Now, yes, I felt bad for this woman who had to stand with the rest of us during the slowest ride ever, but is there really a precedent for a subway seat takeback? If I offer you a bite of my pizza, and you refuse, then I finish it and you change your mind, I'm not about to regurgitate you a section to enjoy. I can't ask the cashier at the drug store for my $5 back because you decided later on that you actually did want to buy a copy of the new US Weekly.
Can someone request that a kind gesture be upheld minutes after the fact? I'm going to have to vote no. I'm also going to have to vote that the guy should have done the classic, "pretend you're sleeping so that you don't feel guilty seeing people who are older, more injured or more pregnant than you wishing they had your seat" move. You snooze you lose, old timer.
Even Mr. Potato Head Deserves a Good Time
Remember Mr. Potato Head? He always seemed like such a fun loving guy. He was constantly keeping things interesting. If he ever got upset, then he could just pop open his back and change his mood or his hat. Imagine being able to carry around all the necessities of life right within your body. A smiley face, a pair of funny glasses, a smaller nose or 10.5 ounces of ecstacy.
Mr. Potato Head has become a drug mule!
I bet someone had to put a sad look on his face once he got busted. I hope he has a good lawyer, and isnt going to do some serious time. I don't think he's quite built for the wilds of prison. Imagine Mr. Potato Head leading a gang of rogues in the cafeteria. They'd have to do a full search on his in body compartments, just to make sure he doesn't slowly burrow his way to freedom like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. I hope this small setback puts him on the straight and narrow. I also hope that the authorities thoroughly cleaned out the drugs before he was donated to some kid that will soon be cruising the playground really enjoying the swing set.
Mr. Potato Head has become a drug mule!
I bet someone had to put a sad look on his face once he got busted. I hope he has a good lawyer, and isnt going to do some serious time. I don't think he's quite built for the wilds of prison. Imagine Mr. Potato Head leading a gang of rogues in the cafeteria. They'd have to do a full search on his in body compartments, just to make sure he doesn't slowly burrow his way to freedom like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. I hope this small setback puts him on the straight and narrow. I also hope that the authorities thoroughly cleaned out the drugs before he was donated to some kid that will soon be cruising the playground really enjoying the swing set.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Men Demand Cuddling
File this in the "wouldn't see that one coming" category.
I just want someone to hold me!
According to "scientists," men apparently sleep better when there is a woman in the bed, and women do not. Well, this certainly spits in the face of the theory that men are insensitive when they are anti cuddling for the night. They're really just doing a service. That's right, a nice service to the women who don't realize that they won't be able to sleep at night otherwise. Maybe the article says it's the snoring, but if you read between the lines, this was clearly a study done by some crafty guy to escape a long night of playing big spoon. Kind of like this one:
Oh, you have a headache? I swear, it's good for you
That is science research money at its best. People give scientists a bad rap for social skills. Look at that, using their own scientific research, they're working around some of the big male complaints. No wonder Bill Nye and Mr Wizard always looked so happy.
I just want someone to hold me!
According to "scientists," men apparently sleep better when there is a woman in the bed, and women do not. Well, this certainly spits in the face of the theory that men are insensitive when they are anti cuddling for the night. They're really just doing a service. That's right, a nice service to the women who don't realize that they won't be able to sleep at night otherwise. Maybe the article says it's the snoring, but if you read between the lines, this was clearly a study done by some crafty guy to escape a long night of playing big spoon. Kind of like this one:
Oh, you have a headache? I swear, it's good for you
That is science research money at its best. People give scientists a bad rap for social skills. Look at that, using their own scientific research, they're working around some of the big male complaints. No wonder Bill Nye and Mr Wizard always looked so happy.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
High School Says No Hugging Before Marriage
Sometimes protecting the innocent youth of our country goes a bit too far.
Don't you dare hold that kid's hand!
This school in Keller, Texas has decided to ban all touching what so ever. When I say touching, I don't only mean the kind of touching that will lead to teachers doing some time in jail and being a fun story for people to watch on the news. When it comes to contact with another kid, nothing goes. No hugging, no hand holding, no PDA. That'll teach those kids some good moral fiber. Take more away from them. Sure, no one will want to rebel and increase their levels of touching tenfold. I'm sure taking away the opportunity to even hold someone's hand will stop any teenager from even thinking about sex. That's exactly how the mind works. What's the principle's reasoning behind the decision?
"I think it's kind of like if you let the camel put his head in the tent, next thing you know, the camel's going to be inside the tent."
Oh, now I get it. That clears everything up and really puts some much needed credibility behind the logic. The camel in the tent? Now, I may be from the northeast, but are camels even native to texas? I don't know, but that may be my new favorite analogy for sexual innuendo. What hope does society have if we can't get those kids today to keep their camels out of girls' tents?
Don't you dare hold that kid's hand!
This school in Keller, Texas has decided to ban all touching what so ever. When I say touching, I don't only mean the kind of touching that will lead to teachers doing some time in jail and being a fun story for people to watch on the news. When it comes to contact with another kid, nothing goes. No hugging, no hand holding, no PDA. That'll teach those kids some good moral fiber. Take more away from them. Sure, no one will want to rebel and increase their levels of touching tenfold. I'm sure taking away the opportunity to even hold someone's hand will stop any teenager from even thinking about sex. That's exactly how the mind works. What's the principle's reasoning behind the decision?
"I think it's kind of like if you let the camel put his head in the tent, next thing you know, the camel's going to be inside the tent."
Oh, now I get it. That clears everything up and really puts some much needed credibility behind the logic. The camel in the tent? Now, I may be from the northeast, but are camels even native to texas? I don't know, but that may be my new favorite analogy for sexual innuendo. What hope does society have if we can't get those kids today to keep their camels out of girls' tents?
Monday, October 1, 2007
Town Ordered to Stop Doing It Like Bunnies
One town in Wyoming has decided that they need to start legislating the way rabbits are handled. Yes, apparently there are just so many bunnies in that place, that people are only allowed two.
Those rascally rabbits
I didn't realize rabbits were such common house pets. Apparently, it's so common that the citizens are in an uproar. It's also so bad that people aren't sure limiting the amount of bunnies per household will be enough. Are they kidding? Powell, Wyoming must be either the most boring town with no crime to deal with or the bunny capital of the world. My favorite part is when the police chief refers to rabbits as "a reproductive wonder of the world." You tell 'em chief. What's that? Someone's getting robbed down on main street? Don't worry, the police chief will help solve the case, once he's finished helping to regulate the much more serious problem of inevitable bunny domination of Wyoming.
Those rascally rabbits
I didn't realize rabbits were such common house pets. Apparently, it's so common that the citizens are in an uproar. It's also so bad that people aren't sure limiting the amount of bunnies per household will be enough. Are they kidding? Powell, Wyoming must be either the most boring town with no crime to deal with or the bunny capital of the world. My favorite part is when the police chief refers to rabbits as "a reproductive wonder of the world." You tell 'em chief. What's that? Someone's getting robbed down on main street? Don't worry, the police chief will help solve the case, once he's finished helping to regulate the much more serious problem of inevitable bunny domination of Wyoming.
Friday, September 28, 2007
After School "Special"
It's not everyday that you come across a pimp who is thinking. He was wondering a good way to make extra money on the side. Hmm, what's a good way to pull off extra money on the side. Oh, I know, lower your rates and target high school kids.
You don't learn these lessons in geometry class
What looked like an innocent ping pong place was actually a high school targeting brothel. A regular ping pong establishment? This seems like a stretch already to me. I live in new york, and I've never been invited to a ping pong establishment. Fact #2. Was no one suspicious from the get go about a place named, "Robo-Pong Training Center." What? It sounds like it's an old nintendo game from 1989. I mean, it's less obvious than, "Ping Pong Pleasure Palace," but it might as well be. How many parents were not at all suspicious of their children saying they were going to be home a little late, cause they'll be training their mad pong skills at the Robo-Pong Training Center. Also, I don't care how low the rates were. Where do these kids get the money? I was having trouble buying myself a twix bar after work let alone paying someone to show me how to work the ping pong paddle. How low was the pricing? Here's a good quote from the police officer:
"It was obvious that they were targeting young students, because the prices were so low," said one disgusted police official, adding, "Most brothels charge at least $100."
Disgusted police officer, eh? I don't know, he seems to know the going rate for a regular brothel. Suspicious....
You don't learn these lessons in geometry class
What looked like an innocent ping pong place was actually a high school targeting brothel. A regular ping pong establishment? This seems like a stretch already to me. I live in new york, and I've never been invited to a ping pong establishment. Fact #2. Was no one suspicious from the get go about a place named, "Robo-Pong Training Center." What? It sounds like it's an old nintendo game from 1989. I mean, it's less obvious than, "Ping Pong Pleasure Palace," but it might as well be. How many parents were not at all suspicious of their children saying they were going to be home a little late, cause they'll be training their mad pong skills at the Robo-Pong Training Center. Also, I don't care how low the rates were. Where do these kids get the money? I was having trouble buying myself a twix bar after work let alone paying someone to show me how to work the ping pong paddle. How low was the pricing? Here's a good quote from the police officer:
"It was obvious that they were targeting young students, because the prices were so low," said one disgusted police official, adding, "Most brothels charge at least $100."
Disgusted police officer, eh? I don't know, he seems to know the going rate for a regular brothel. Suspicious....
Alien Conspiracy
Someone call Mulder and Scully. It would appear that the insanity of the alien meteor has been blown out of proportion.
Wait, so there's no aliens?
Apparently, people weren't getting sick from the meteor at all. It was all a deep rooted psychosis. I think it sounds more like they're getting desperate for a reason. I'd like to speak with these so called social anthropologists. I find this whole thing more than a little suspicious. It screams out area 51 to me. I still stand to my original inkling that the alien virus has been released to the populace. Everyone run and hide! Who knows where the next tainted meteor will land! This is the stuff movies are made of here. Uh oh, we've been infected with something from outer space...oh wait, no it's just the ground, no wait..people are crazy and nothing really happened. It's getting weirder by the minute.
Wait, so there's no aliens?
Apparently, people weren't getting sick from the meteor at all. It was all a deep rooted psychosis. I think it sounds more like they're getting desperate for a reason. I'd like to speak with these so called social anthropologists. I find this whole thing more than a little suspicious. It screams out area 51 to me. I still stand to my original inkling that the alien virus has been released to the populace. Everyone run and hide! Who knows where the next tainted meteor will land! This is the stuff movies are made of here. Uh oh, we've been infected with something from outer space...oh wait, no it's just the ground, no wait..people are crazy and nothing really happened. It's getting weirder by the minute.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Oregon's Awesome Week
I've found two particularly odd things this week that have both happened to take place in the great state of Oregon. I've got no ill will towards Oregon, it's just happened to make some interesting decisions with the law of late.
First there was the family forced to change their license plates, cause it was a discriminating work.
I'm sorry, you can't say your name around these parts
Now, I'm not familiar with the word being offensive, so I won't doubt that, however, the interesting part is that it's actually their name on the license plate. So, while adding a U to the front can be interpreted as "You," it's also just a plain old last name to this family. The woman says in addition to it being a slur, it's also a sexual reference. What kind of sex are they having in Oregon? Last I checked, it wasn't a particularly hot choice of words to say you were going to go dink someone. In fact, I think telling someone you want to dink them, actually makes you less sexy or sleazy for that matter.
Also, it was a tough day for a hero who gave his life for the police. A monument devoted to a dog that died in the line of duty was removed. What better way to remember a dog, then with his very own fire hydrant.
When you gotta go, you gotta go
I think my favorite part about this story is the headline.
First there was the family forced to change their license plates, cause it was a discriminating work.
I'm sorry, you can't say your name around these parts
Now, I'm not familiar with the word being offensive, so I won't doubt that, however, the interesting part is that it's actually their name on the license plate. So, while adding a U to the front can be interpreted as "You," it's also just a plain old last name to this family. The woman says in addition to it being a slur, it's also a sexual reference. What kind of sex are they having in Oregon? Last I checked, it wasn't a particularly hot choice of words to say you were going to go dink someone. In fact, I think telling someone you want to dink them, actually makes you less sexy or sleazy for that matter.
Also, it was a tough day for a hero who gave his life for the police. A monument devoted to a dog that died in the line of duty was removed. What better way to remember a dog, then with his very own fire hydrant.
When you gotta go, you gotta go
I think my favorite part about this story is the headline.
"Fire hydrant removed to protect patriotism"
Really? I mean, aren't we taking this a little far? The idea was to honor this dog, and not an intentional disrespect to the flag. She goes on to point out how the poor, little dog is turning in his grave at the mere thought that someone might be disrespecting the flag. I'm thinking if that police dog were alive today, he'd probably just be thinking about how much he was relieved to find a place to pee. Maybe dogs are a secret threat to freedom, that we just haven't considered yet...Jack Hanna and a Flamingo Walk Into an Airport and...
The headline alone on this story sounds like the setup to a joke.
I swear. The flamingo and I were just talking...
That's what you get for trying to cram a flamingo crate through a turnstyle, my friend. It's a good thing that he's famous for all his late night talk show animal appearances. Otherwise, people might think, "Oh great, another psycho with a flamingo." I wonder how airport security reacts to a threat like that. What if it had gotten loose? The swat team chasing after it, the flight delays. All those poor business people that had to call home and say they were delayed for a wild flamingo. The insanity...Oh, the insanity.
I swear. The flamingo and I were just talking...
That's what you get for trying to cram a flamingo crate through a turnstyle, my friend. It's a good thing that he's famous for all his late night talk show animal appearances. Otherwise, people might think, "Oh great, another psycho with a flamingo." I wonder how airport security reacts to a threat like that. What if it had gotten loose? The swat team chasing after it, the flight delays. All those poor business people that had to call home and say they were delayed for a wild flamingo. The insanity...Oh, the insanity.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I Like My Legs Well Done
A man in North Carolina went to buy himself a brand new bbq smoker from an auction the other day. There's no better place to make a purchase than items that were so useful, they've been abandoned by their owners. Clearly, there was not an intense search done of these abandoned items that were up for auction, cause when he opened it up back home, there was a human leg in it.
Worst Purchase Ever. Full refund required.
Nothing says appetizing bbq goodness like finding a leg in there before dinner. The best part of it was that he was able to easily track down the owner of the missing limb's mother, and she filled in the story. She said he'd kept it for some type of "religious" reasons after it had been amputated in an accident. She also said that the family was very much against the reasoning. Somehow, I can't imagine why they would be. This doesn't sound like any bizarre crackpot religion at all. Noooo way. The man's own mother is quick to point out that she and the rest of the family is completely apart from his craziness. The story does have a happy ending though. The man is traveling to North Carolina to be reunited with his lost leg once again. It's so sweet. Sweet in that, why is this man such a freakshow kind of way. The moral of this tale is pretty simple. Make sure to check out anything you buy at a yard sale thoroughly. There might be a long lost body part in there that misses its owner.
Worst Purchase Ever. Full refund required.
Nothing says appetizing bbq goodness like finding a leg in there before dinner. The best part of it was that he was able to easily track down the owner of the missing limb's mother, and she filled in the story. She said he'd kept it for some type of "religious" reasons after it had been amputated in an accident. She also said that the family was very much against the reasoning. Somehow, I can't imagine why they would be. This doesn't sound like any bizarre crackpot religion at all. Noooo way. The man's own mother is quick to point out that she and the rest of the family is completely apart from his craziness. The story does have a happy ending though. The man is traveling to North Carolina to be reunited with his lost leg once again. It's so sweet. Sweet in that, why is this man such a freakshow kind of way. The moral of this tale is pretty simple. Make sure to check out anything you buy at a yard sale thoroughly. There might be a long lost body part in there that misses its owner.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
More Crime Than a Barrel of Monkeys
Everyone knows that monkeys are fun. Who doesn't love a monkey? Things change when monkeys go bad. Some monkeys have fallen on hard times, and they've gone to the wrong side of the tracks.
Stick 'em up! This ain't a banana in your back!
If you watch the video as well, then it really enhances the story. These baboons have become the terror of South Africa. Bullying people, robbing homes. It's quite insane. Never in my life have I thought, what would i do if I ran into a wild pack of baboons in a dark alley, the answer is now quite clear. You run. You run fast and far. Those bad boys would be on you in about 2 seconds and running off with your wallet and the keys to your car, before joy riding all over town. I wonder if there's a baboon gang sign that they tag buildings with. I mean, this is seriously the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a while. These guys are on a rampage. Who is it to blame? Of course, it's the dirty tourists. Always feeding those baboons and not realizing that they're breaking down the monkeys' ability to find their own food. It's like those squirrels at the grand canyon that will practically pin you down and cut you until you surrender some food. You haven't felt fear until you've stared down the beady little eyes of a vicious squirrel. Back to the point at hand, these monkeys give other monkeys a bad name. I'm going to think twice next time I'm at the zoo, and a baboon reaches out in peace. I'll know deep down that he's got malice in his eyes, and he's probably trying to distract me while his baboon friends pick my pocket.
Stick 'em up! This ain't a banana in your back!
If you watch the video as well, then it really enhances the story. These baboons have become the terror of South Africa. Bullying people, robbing homes. It's quite insane. Never in my life have I thought, what would i do if I ran into a wild pack of baboons in a dark alley, the answer is now quite clear. You run. You run fast and far. Those bad boys would be on you in about 2 seconds and running off with your wallet and the keys to your car, before joy riding all over town. I wonder if there's a baboon gang sign that they tag buildings with. I mean, this is seriously the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a while. These guys are on a rampage. Who is it to blame? Of course, it's the dirty tourists. Always feeding those baboons and not realizing that they're breaking down the monkeys' ability to find their own food. It's like those squirrels at the grand canyon that will practically pin you down and cut you until you surrender some food. You haven't felt fear until you've stared down the beady little eyes of a vicious squirrel. Back to the point at hand, these monkeys give other monkeys a bad name. I'm going to think twice next time I'm at the zoo, and a baboon reaches out in peace. I'll know deep down that he's got malice in his eyes, and he's probably trying to distract me while his baboon friends pick my pocket.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Hungry Like a Duck
I was thinking about writing about Eater X's victory over Crazy Legs Conti to become the burrito eating champion of the world, but then something else caught my eye. Those guys may have serious stomachs built for the riggers of professional eating, but I'm sure they've got more will power than this guy.
I'm so hungry I could eat a duck!
One of the guests at the illustrious Embassy Suites hotel was so overcome with hunger, that he just had to have some fresh duck tartar. How fresh? He took it right out of the lobby pool, and he pulled off the duck's head. Well, that makes sense. If you're dying of hunger, then why not just lunge for meatiest point of the duck...his head. He ripped off the duck's head. Disturbingly enough, it appears that it was with his bare hands. That is one guy who you don't want to meet in a dark alley. I do like that the news is quick to point out that he's a hotel guest. No self respecting Minnesotan would engage in such behavior. No way. It also adds that flair for the dramatic by saying that he attacked a "tame duck." It's not like he was going after one of those little known vicious vampire ducks that roam the Minnesota countryside. That bastard attacked one of the innocent ones. All he's done is weaken the good duck army, and leave them more vulnerable for attack!
I'm so hungry I could eat a duck!
One of the guests at the illustrious Embassy Suites hotel was so overcome with hunger, that he just had to have some fresh duck tartar. How fresh? He took it right out of the lobby pool, and he pulled off the duck's head. Well, that makes sense. If you're dying of hunger, then why not just lunge for meatiest point of the duck...his head. He ripped off the duck's head. Disturbingly enough, it appears that it was with his bare hands. That is one guy who you don't want to meet in a dark alley. I do like that the news is quick to point out that he's a hotel guest. No self respecting Minnesotan would engage in such behavior. No way. It also adds that flair for the dramatic by saying that he attacked a "tame duck." It's not like he was going after one of those little known vicious vampire ducks that roam the Minnesota countryside. That bastard attacked one of the innocent ones. All he's done is weaken the good duck army, and leave them more vulnerable for attack!
Riding the Bull
You hear a lot of stories about annoying neighbors and the misery they cause people. I mean over the last few years alone, I've lived next to a retired lounge singer, a C list actor, loud babies, musicians, and even a functioning whorehouse, but never anything quite like this.
Hello Police? There's a bull in my yard. What should I do?
This guy got to watch a bull rip up his house. Not just any bull. His neighbor's escaped pet bull. I'm just trying to imagine my reaction if I got up and a bull was outside ripping down my fence and knocking the roof paneling off. I have a feeling it'd be panic and fear and clearly, I'm not alone. The poor guy called the Dept. of Agriculture for help, and they told him that he should just go find the bull's owner. Imagine the person on call that day. I bet he listened to that guy talk for about 30 seconds before thinking, "hell no. I'm not going over there and wrestling down a wild bull!" One of his other neighbors had to lure the bull away with a bag of grain. Now, there's a guy with some guts. He watches a bull wreak havoc on a house and yard and still goes out there with a bag of grain like the pied piper. Talk about a good samaritan. If I were the grain guy, then I'd make sure my neighbor never forgot that. "What's that? You don't like my garden gnome war scene that I've created? You think it's too violent? Guess what else is violent? A bull in your front yard. Yeah, I thought so."
Hello Police? There's a bull in my yard. What should I do?
This guy got to watch a bull rip up his house. Not just any bull. His neighbor's escaped pet bull. I'm just trying to imagine my reaction if I got up and a bull was outside ripping down my fence and knocking the roof paneling off. I have a feeling it'd be panic and fear and clearly, I'm not alone. The poor guy called the Dept. of Agriculture for help, and they told him that he should just go find the bull's owner. Imagine the person on call that day. I bet he listened to that guy talk for about 30 seconds before thinking, "hell no. I'm not going over there and wrestling down a wild bull!" One of his other neighbors had to lure the bull away with a bag of grain. Now, there's a guy with some guts. He watches a bull wreak havoc on a house and yard and still goes out there with a bag of grain like the pied piper. Talk about a good samaritan. If I were the grain guy, then I'd make sure my neighbor never forgot that. "What's that? You don't like my garden gnome war scene that I've created? You think it's too violent? Guess what else is violent? A bull in your front yard. Yeah, I thought so."
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Biggest Loser
I know that sometimes people think that they just can't catch a break. Well, try being this horse.
If it first you don't succeed, then try try again 125 times.
I wonder what goes through that horse's mind every time he goes out there. If I had failed in something 125 times, I feel like my will would be so broken to try again. Especially in something like racing. Do the other horses make fun of him? "Quiet guys, here comes, Dona Chepa, don't talk about what the winners circle looks like." Obviously, it's different in horse years, but he's 9 years old too. Imagine how crippled a 9 year old human kid would be if he'd already amassed 125 losses. Next time he raced for that last cookie in the cookie jar, he'd probably start resorting to knifing other kids for some type of advantage. You hang in there, loser horse, I'm pulling for you!
If it first you don't succeed, then try try again 125 times.
I wonder what goes through that horse's mind every time he goes out there. If I had failed in something 125 times, I feel like my will would be so broken to try again. Especially in something like racing. Do the other horses make fun of him? "Quiet guys, here comes, Dona Chepa, don't talk about what the winners circle looks like." Obviously, it's different in horse years, but he's 9 years old too. Imagine how crippled a 9 year old human kid would be if he'd already amassed 125 losses. Next time he raced for that last cookie in the cookie jar, he'd probably start resorting to knifing other kids for some type of advantage. You hang in there, loser horse, I'm pulling for you!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Dude, Where's My Cocaine?
A guy in Seattle recently found himself calling in the police to help him find his lost stash of coke. That's certainly a bold move. Calling the cops to report that you've been trafficking drugs, and you lost them.
Would you believe it's 68 pounds of powdered sugar?
Why would someone turn themselves in to find lost drugs, you ask? It's cause the people he was working for would've done something much, much worse. It's like a bad movie. Apparently, the dangerous mob people really do exist. The kind of people that would leave you in a field in Canada with no thumbs to hitchhike home with, or force you to drink a glass of kool aid laced with antifreeze, or even replace your arm with a working tether ball, so you can be nothing but a fun game for kids to play with in a schoolyard. Basically, the worst kind of people.
The kicker? A boy scout found the drugs. A good, wholesome boyscout. Instead of deciding to become potentially the most rich and fun boyscout in the pack, he turned them over to the police. Good job, kid. You're not going to pay for college by earning a merit badge in marshmallow roasting.
Would you believe it's 68 pounds of powdered sugar?
Why would someone turn themselves in to find lost drugs, you ask? It's cause the people he was working for would've done something much, much worse. It's like a bad movie. Apparently, the dangerous mob people really do exist. The kind of people that would leave you in a field in Canada with no thumbs to hitchhike home with, or force you to drink a glass of kool aid laced with antifreeze, or even replace your arm with a working tether ball, so you can be nothing but a fun game for kids to play with in a schoolyard. Basically, the worst kind of people.
The kicker? A boy scout found the drugs. A good, wholesome boyscout. Instead of deciding to become potentially the most rich and fun boyscout in the pack, he turned them over to the police. Good job, kid. You're not going to pay for college by earning a merit badge in marshmallow roasting.
Cow On The Run
We can file this in the, "there's something you don't see every day" category. The other day, a cow was discovered walking around in Queens, NY.
Moo York City
Somehow, I don't imagine that corralling a cow is part of the standard NYPD training. After all, it did take a 2 mile chase over an hour of time. Imagine walking down the streets of NYC, and having a cow suddenly amble on by with a bunch of officers chasing after her. I'm thinking this wasn't the most high speed chase that the cops have ever partaken in. "Damn, I lost that bovine around the last corner. It's too fast!" The other question that I have: Where did it come from? No one seems to know. There were no cows missing from any of the charming Queens slaughterhouses (there's slaughterhouses in Queens?). Did this cow migrate slowly from some midwest farm, traveling only at night, until the mooing rampage was brought to a grinding halt by the diligence of the NYPD? I don't even want to ponder what might have happened if this terror had been stopped. I can finally sleep soundly knowing that it's finally over.
Moo York City
Somehow, I don't imagine that corralling a cow is part of the standard NYPD training. After all, it did take a 2 mile chase over an hour of time. Imagine walking down the streets of NYC, and having a cow suddenly amble on by with a bunch of officers chasing after her. I'm thinking this wasn't the most high speed chase that the cops have ever partaken in. "Damn, I lost that bovine around the last corner. It's too fast!" The other question that I have: Where did it come from? No one seems to know. There were no cows missing from any of the charming Queens slaughterhouses (there's slaughterhouses in Queens?). Did this cow migrate slowly from some midwest farm, traveling only at night, until the mooing rampage was brought to a grinding halt by the diligence of the NYPD? I don't even want to ponder what might have happened if this terror had been stopped. I can finally sleep soundly knowing that it's finally over.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Best Ways to Defend Yourself
There are plenty of effective ways to defend yourself. I think these two people are shining examples for what to do when your back is up against a wall.
Unarmed and Dangerous
In a battle over a woman, a man killed his nemesis only using his head! His head? An armless man bested a generic 2 armed man in mortal combat. Now, I don't care what you say, that guy is pretty hard core. Interestingly enough, he's a famous no armed man that use to do art with his feet. Also, he's the one the woman chose. I'm sure he must be about the most talented fully foot functioning person that anyone will ever meet.
This next woman was also fairly resourceful.
The subject is armed and dangerous. She's got a baby, and she knows how to use it.
Police entered this woman's home on suspicion of pot, and she threw the closest object she could at them. Her baby.
WEEEEEEEE! I'M FLYING!!!
Clearly, this was not the most formidable weapon at her disposal. Her brilliant defense to not get busted by the cops for being high and prove to them her sobriety was this. Nothing says, "I'm not wasted," like throwing a baby at someone. Lucky for her, she's bound to get a taste of her own medicine soon enough in prison. Except, instead of a baby, it'll be a 300 pound cellmate named, Bertha.
Unarmed and Dangerous
In a battle over a woman, a man killed his nemesis only using his head! His head? An armless man bested a generic 2 armed man in mortal combat. Now, I don't care what you say, that guy is pretty hard core. Interestingly enough, he's a famous no armed man that use to do art with his feet. Also, he's the one the woman chose. I'm sure he must be about the most talented fully foot functioning person that anyone will ever meet.
This next woman was also fairly resourceful.
The subject is armed and dangerous. She's got a baby, and she knows how to use it.
Police entered this woman's home on suspicion of pot, and she threw the closest object she could at them. Her baby.
WEEEEEEEE! I'M FLYING!!!Clearly, this was not the most formidable weapon at her disposal. Her brilliant defense to not get busted by the cops for being high and prove to them her sobriety was this. Nothing says, "I'm not wasted," like throwing a baby at someone. Lucky for her, she's bound to get a taste of her own medicine soon enough in prison. Except, instead of a baby, it'll be a 300 pound cellmate named, Bertha.
The Most or Least Useful Invention? You Decide
Today, we celebrate the 25th anniversary of the IM smiley face. 25 years ago today was supposedly the first time that anyone ever typed, ":-)" on a computer screen.
I've been in academia for how many years, and this is what I'll be remembered for?
I have to say, isn't this just a case of being there first? I mean, I'm sure this guy has and will go on to come up with many ideas more brilliant than creating a sideways smiling face. It's not like he was creative enough to be the one who created the winking face or the "I'm so cool and in my sunglasses" face. No, it's just the smiley face. Remember, next time you're chatting online and someone drops the "I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying" emoticon or the "You broke my heart" or even the "You look like a rooster" one. It all started with this one guy. The man who was brave enough to step up to the keyboard one day and lay his raw emotions out to the world in one giant, sappy smile.
I've been in academia for how many years, and this is what I'll be remembered for?
I have to say, isn't this just a case of being there first? I mean, I'm sure this guy has and will go on to come up with many ideas more brilliant than creating a sideways smiling face. It's not like he was creative enough to be the one who created the winking face or the "I'm so cool and in my sunglasses" face. No, it's just the smiley face. Remember, next time you're chatting online and someone drops the "I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying" emoticon or the "You broke my heart" or even the "You look like a rooster" one. It all started with this one guy. The man who was brave enough to step up to the keyboard one day and lay his raw emotions out to the world in one giant, sappy smile.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The Aliens Have Landed!
Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for these villagers, but the headline sounds ridiculous.
Maybe I shouldn't have drank that contaminated alien water
Scientists claim that maybe it had something more to do with the possible sulfur, etc inside the meteor, but I prefer to think of it as the first wave of attack. Let's pretend we're aliens for a minute. I'm thinking, hmm, I bet we could wear those humans down easily by making them do stupid things. Naturally, when a meteor hits, people run to the scene where they're overcome with the illness. I also like that someone had to decide that maybe they shouldn't drink the water that the flaming ball of gases from space landed in. I would think that decision would be pretty self explanatory. Then again, who am I kidding? I once ate a straw wrapper and a napkin just to prove a point to my friends. I'd probably be the jackass eating the giant sign that said, "Welcome Aliens!" cause of someone's challenge. Although, that further proves my point to any extra terrestrial readers. It's not hard to get people to do stupid things.
Maybe I shouldn't have drank that contaminated alien water
Scientists claim that maybe it had something more to do with the possible sulfur, etc inside the meteor, but I prefer to think of it as the first wave of attack. Let's pretend we're aliens for a minute. I'm thinking, hmm, I bet we could wear those humans down easily by making them do stupid things. Naturally, when a meteor hits, people run to the scene where they're overcome with the illness. I also like that someone had to decide that maybe they shouldn't drink the water that the flaming ball of gases from space landed in. I would think that decision would be pretty self explanatory. Then again, who am I kidding? I once ate a straw wrapper and a napkin just to prove a point to my friends. I'd probably be the jackass eating the giant sign that said, "Welcome Aliens!" cause of someone's challenge. Although, that further proves my point to any extra terrestrial readers. It's not hard to get people to do stupid things.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Flaming Feces of Fury
This is definitely a whole new level of global warming fears that I never imagined. It's not just the excessive heat that might kill us, but also the methane gases released from frozen extinct animal crap.
Those crazy mammoths forgot to flush again
Who would have thought that millions of years later we'd have to worry about the long term effects of prehistoric poop? Here I thought the only dangers that I might encounter would be what I went through on Saturday night. A crazy, homeless man ran at me, on the streets of New York, with a bag of fire like an angry villager trying to chase the frankenstein monster out of a castle. I evaded the plastic shopping bag's flaming pile of potential burning disaster, but was left curious. Why was this man carrying a bag of fire? Where was he going? Was it really one of those burning bags of crap like an old halloween prank? I bet he knew something that we didn't know. When the cities begin to fall in the wake of the newly released deadly gases, that one crazy man with his burning bag will still be there laughing maniacally and swinging that fire at whoever gets in his way.
Those crazy mammoths forgot to flush again
Who would have thought that millions of years later we'd have to worry about the long term effects of prehistoric poop? Here I thought the only dangers that I might encounter would be what I went through on Saturday night. A crazy, homeless man ran at me, on the streets of New York, with a bag of fire like an angry villager trying to chase the frankenstein monster out of a castle. I evaded the plastic shopping bag's flaming pile of potential burning disaster, but was left curious. Why was this man carrying a bag of fire? Where was he going? Was it really one of those burning bags of crap like an old halloween prank? I bet he knew something that we didn't know. When the cities begin to fall in the wake of the newly released deadly gases, that one crazy man with his burning bag will still be there laughing maniacally and swinging that fire at whoever gets in his way.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Adding Some Excitement to Work
My friend sent me this link earlier, and I've decided that it is the best possible way to spend my hard earned paycheck. Not only is it useful, but you can escape any social encounter that you don't want to be in.
Your conversation bores me. Try and catch me!
This takes spinning around and rolling in your chair to a whole new level. Forget commuting to and from work and school, you can just ride the whole way from home to your desk. If you're really a daredevil, then you could not just work from home, but work from the street, while dodging through pedestrians. I think the best part about it is the ability to spice up conversation. What's that? I can't hear you giving me work, cause my chair is taking me away. You think walking downstairs is boring? Try bouncing your way down one step at a time on this baby. The possibilities are endless.
Your conversation bores me. Try and catch me!
This takes spinning around and rolling in your chair to a whole new level. Forget commuting to and from work and school, you can just ride the whole way from home to your desk. If you're really a daredevil, then you could not just work from home, but work from the street, while dodging through pedestrians. I think the best part about it is the ability to spice up conversation. What's that? I can't hear you giving me work, cause my chair is taking me away. You think walking downstairs is boring? Try bouncing your way down one step at a time on this baby. The possibilities are endless.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Animal Love and Acrobatics
It's a good day for interesting animal stories. I am always a sucker for a good monkey related item, but this actually crosses into the bizarre monkey love category.
Oh please don't take my bird away from me
This lost monkey has found comfort in the wings of a lost bird. Who doesn't find it heartwarming? What's that? You don't want mushy and happy animal stories? Well, try this on for size.
These cats are more talented than I am
Who doesn't enjoy watching cats juggle? Walk tightropes? Perform feats of acrobatics that make you feel bad about yourself? I think the most amusing thing is that at the bottom of this page, there's a bunch of ads about adopting cats, finding homes for cats, etc. I'm sure that they are all in favor of it, but it also kind of screams out that they love cats so much and they swear that there's nothing inhumane about making them perform for the masses, while wearing ties and climbing on clowns. Real clowns. You know, the more I think about this, the better it sounds. Sign me up for the cats doing backflips as they're juggled by clowns. I bet they bring the crowd to its knees!
Oh please don't take my bird away from me
This lost monkey has found comfort in the wings of a lost bird. Who doesn't find it heartwarming? What's that? You don't want mushy and happy animal stories? Well, try this on for size.
These cats are more talented than I am
Who doesn't enjoy watching cats juggle? Walk tightropes? Perform feats of acrobatics that make you feel bad about yourself? I think the most amusing thing is that at the bottom of this page, there's a bunch of ads about adopting cats, finding homes for cats, etc. I'm sure that they are all in favor of it, but it also kind of screams out that they love cats so much and they swear that there's nothing inhumane about making them perform for the masses, while wearing ties and climbing on clowns. Real clowns. You know, the more I think about this, the better it sounds. Sign me up for the cats doing backflips as they're juggled by clowns. I bet they bring the crowd to its knees!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Best Pick Up Method Ever
There have been a lot of tried and true methods to win girls over throughout the years. Some go with flowers, chocolates, fancy dinners, big romantic gestures or even just getting them drunk enough to want to make out with you. I will give this guy credit. He's thinking outside the box.
The least creepy way to win someone's heart
Now, let's take a minute to process this. He injected a woman with his own blood. HIS OWN BLOOD. Maybe I'm missing something, but actually stabbing a woman near the heart with a needle is probably not going to send her running into your arms. The police officer said this about his reasoning, "He thought that if he could not marry her, at least his blood can stay inside her body."
Aww, now isn't that sweet and not at all disturbing. This begs the question: Is he a poetic genius or a cracked out nut? Let's review his well thought out sentiments. Think of the romantic power his words and actions convey, and then imagine how nice he is to share with her any possible communicable diseases that he had in his blood, so they could suffer through them together.
Good try there, slick, but I'm going to have to label you as a grade A whackjob. Don't let the door hit you on the way into the Crazyville Town Hall.
The least creepy way to win someone's heart
Now, let's take a minute to process this. He injected a woman with his own blood. HIS OWN BLOOD. Maybe I'm missing something, but actually stabbing a woman near the heart with a needle is probably not going to send her running into your arms. The police officer said this about his reasoning, "He thought that if he could not marry her, at least his blood can stay inside her body."
Aww, now isn't that sweet and not at all disturbing. This begs the question: Is he a poetic genius or a cracked out nut? Let's review his well thought out sentiments. Think of the romantic power his words and actions convey, and then imagine how nice he is to share with her any possible communicable diseases that he had in his blood, so they could suffer through them together.
Good try there, slick, but I'm going to have to label you as a grade A whackjob. Don't let the door hit you on the way into the Crazyville Town Hall.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Caffeinate The Children!
In case those schoolyard kids weren't jumpy enough. Starbucks has apparently decided to start paying attention to them too.
I like my kids extra hyper
When I was in grade school, the only thing I was going to see in the morning was a fresh glass of pulp free OJ, and then perhaps a frosty glass of milk in the evening. Just think of all that I missed out on then. Cheated of the joys of getting an iced coffee on my way to school. I could have started enjoying that thrill of when the ice goes just too much over the top that they need to use the fancy dome tops with extra space (or as I like to call it "living above the rim."). It's probably for the best. I mean consider the alternatives. If we keep children away from the coffee like alcohol, then a whole underground culture begins. You'd start having all the so called, "bad seeds," gather under the stair cases and sneak sips of a passion lemonade iced tea with 7 pumps of classic sugar sweetening, while they mock the nerds in the science labs that are savoring every sweet sip of venti chai latte with extra whip and a dash of cinnamon. The madness must be stopped before it begins. If I don't see every other kid this fall at the schoolyard replacing their traditional afternoon snacks with iced lemon loaf, then i think it may be too late to stop the downfall of society.
I like my kids extra hyper
When I was in grade school, the only thing I was going to see in the morning was a fresh glass of pulp free OJ, and then perhaps a frosty glass of milk in the evening. Just think of all that I missed out on then. Cheated of the joys of getting an iced coffee on my way to school. I could have started enjoying that thrill of when the ice goes just too much over the top that they need to use the fancy dome tops with extra space (or as I like to call it "living above the rim."). It's probably for the best. I mean consider the alternatives. If we keep children away from the coffee like alcohol, then a whole underground culture begins. You'd start having all the so called, "bad seeds," gather under the stair cases and sneak sips of a passion lemonade iced tea with 7 pumps of classic sugar sweetening, while they mock the nerds in the science labs that are savoring every sweet sip of venti chai latte with extra whip and a dash of cinnamon. The madness must be stopped before it begins. If I don't see every other kid this fall at the schoolyard replacing their traditional afternoon snacks with iced lemon loaf, then i think it may be too late to stop the downfall of society.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Mascot Results
Sadly, Mr. Met was bested by a mere couple hundred votes in the online fan voting at the mascot hall of fame. Hopefully, the powers that be are smart enough to give him a little extra to correct this gross miscalculation.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Mascot Hall of Fame
Does anyone else think mascots are a little strange? The whole idea of it is a little ridiculous and yet everyone buys into it. Who isn't pumped up when the mascots come running out?
Some people love mascots a little bit too much
I have just recently learned that there is a Mascot Hall of Fame. Here are a couple of their initial members, since it's 2005 creation:
Phillie Phanatic. Now, clearly this isn't the best looking mascot ever created, but he did warrant election into the first round ever. Strange? Yes. His stomach is uncomfortably loose, so he can periodically break into fits of thrusting and humping at the air while everything shakes in an odd manner. Attractive on a person? Not so much, but on a giant green monster? Who can get enough?
Now, the Phoenix Suns Gorilla, that's a mascot I can get behind. Besides his obvious advantage to being in the monkey family, he jumps through rings of fire. Rings of fire, people. I don't think I could slam dunk a basketball, without adding in the fear that when I land my whole body will be burning like I'd rolled in dry leaves and gotten too close to a fire. That's a monkey with some guts.
I think the mascot is definitely something that people secretly love, but don't talk about until someone else has admitted it first. People are so excited that in some stadiums they create many of them to fight for supremacy. At a Washington Nationals game, you could run into a few famous presidents. I'm sure that the descendants of George Washington were hoping that his historical legacy would end with a giant head version of him racing other presidents.
You go, Mr. President!
If you go to a Brooklyn Cyclones game, then you are treated to a racing ketchup, mustard and relish. I bet anyone who walked in there first said it was stupid, but then by their second visit, they were disappointed if they couldn't see any giant condiments racing for supremacy.
It's the same reason why people love going to disney world. Was it mean when Goofy crossed off my autograph from Mickey Mouse, and I had to go back and get a new one? Yes, but I sure didn't see it coming. Was that giant Winnie the Pooh who weirdly rubbed his nose on my neck when I was 12 years old, creepy? Yes, but I definitely did not see that coming. One might argue that it's part of the fun. What crazy thing will happen next with those giant wacky fursuited men and women.
In the spirit of it all, I say everyone heads over to the Mascot Hall of Fame site and puts in a vote for my favorite mascot, Mr. Met. How can you not love a guy with a giant baseball shaped head?
Yes, he's even available for weddings and ready to break it down with the best of them.
Here's to the Comic Monkey mascot making the cut by 2011!
Some people love mascots a little bit too much
I have just recently learned that there is a Mascot Hall of Fame. Here are a couple of their initial members, since it's 2005 creation:
Phillie Phanatic. Now, clearly this isn't the best looking mascot ever created, but he did warrant election into the first round ever. Strange? Yes. His stomach is uncomfortably loose, so he can periodically break into fits of thrusting and humping at the air while everything shakes in an odd manner. Attractive on a person? Not so much, but on a giant green monster? Who can get enough?
Now, the Phoenix Suns Gorilla, that's a mascot I can get behind. Besides his obvious advantage to being in the monkey family, he jumps through rings of fire. Rings of fire, people. I don't think I could slam dunk a basketball, without adding in the fear that when I land my whole body will be burning like I'd rolled in dry leaves and gotten too close to a fire. That's a monkey with some guts.I think the mascot is definitely something that people secretly love, but don't talk about until someone else has admitted it first. People are so excited that in some stadiums they create many of them to fight for supremacy. At a Washington Nationals game, you could run into a few famous presidents. I'm sure that the descendants of George Washington were hoping that his historical legacy would end with a giant head version of him racing other presidents.
You go, Mr. President!
If you go to a Brooklyn Cyclones game, then you are treated to a racing ketchup, mustard and relish. I bet anyone who walked in there first said it was stupid, but then by their second visit, they were disappointed if they couldn't see any giant condiments racing for supremacy.
It's the same reason why people love going to disney world. Was it mean when Goofy crossed off my autograph from Mickey Mouse, and I had to go back and get a new one? Yes, but I sure didn't see it coming. Was that giant Winnie the Pooh who weirdly rubbed his nose on my neck when I was 12 years old, creepy? Yes, but I definitely did not see that coming. One might argue that it's part of the fun. What crazy thing will happen next with those giant wacky fursuited men and women.
In the spirit of it all, I say everyone heads over to the Mascot Hall of Fame site and puts in a vote for my favorite mascot, Mr. Met. How can you not love a guy with a giant baseball shaped head?
Yes, he's even available for weddings and ready to break it down with the best of them.
Here's to the Comic Monkey mascot making the cut by 2011!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Scientists Attempt to Cure Fun
This just in. Scientists are slowly discovering a way to remove everything fun that they possibly can in society. Here are some prime examples.
TV ruins children
Tasty popcorn butter causes cancer
I'm not sure what the fascination is for scientists to slowly discover that everything we love is bad for us. Gone are the good old days when I could just kick back with some artificial, buttery goodness and watch 6 hours of TV until my brain was too fried to concentrate on anything. Whatever happened to scientists discussing how to cure the ills of the world, instead of taking apart my childhood brick by brick. Next thing you know, pop rocks and soda will be proven to kill people as well. I remember the sheer joy that I felt for surviving that brief encounter. Was I playing with fire? Yes. Could I feel the danger? Yes. Did I like it? Damn right. What about all the kids who swallowed Optimus Prime's laser gun? I wonder if there's long term effects for that as well. Maybe ignorance is bliss, and we should devote more of our scientific studies to making the world in 2015 be like the future portrayed in Back to the Future 2. I can just dream about flying to work on my hover board and not be too scared to slather on extra fake butter next time I sit down for 8 consecutive hours of television. These guys are on the right track:
I want Spider-Man's powers
CM
TV ruins children
Tasty popcorn butter causes cancer
I'm not sure what the fascination is for scientists to slowly discover that everything we love is bad for us. Gone are the good old days when I could just kick back with some artificial, buttery goodness and watch 6 hours of TV until my brain was too fried to concentrate on anything. Whatever happened to scientists discussing how to cure the ills of the world, instead of taking apart my childhood brick by brick. Next thing you know, pop rocks and soda will be proven to kill people as well. I remember the sheer joy that I felt for surviving that brief encounter. Was I playing with fire? Yes. Could I feel the danger? Yes. Did I like it? Damn right. What about all the kids who swallowed Optimus Prime's laser gun? I wonder if there's long term effects for that as well. Maybe ignorance is bliss, and we should devote more of our scientific studies to making the world in 2015 be like the future portrayed in Back to the Future 2. I can just dream about flying to work on my hover board and not be too scared to slather on extra fake butter next time I sit down for 8 consecutive hours of television. These guys are on the right track:
I want Spider-Man's powers
CM
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Monkey Has Landed
Welcome to the brand new comic monkey blog. Stay tuned for a peek into the mind of comic monkey...
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