Cheating with a Computer is Still Cheating

A woman is divorcing her husband, cause she uncovered him having multiple affairs in the online community, Second Life. Apparently, there can also be sins of the virtualized flesh. The best part is when she hired a virtual detective to scope out the situation and see what was going on. In the end, he said he loved his new online girlfriend more than his wife, and she left him. Begs the question. What is this Second Life thing? Why does it actually have prostitutes your character can hire? What is wrong with people? How sketchy is this dude? All quandaries that I will one day seek to answer.

It's a good thing these are only virtual women!

Palin: Ultimate Fighting Champion

The Total Nonstop Action Wrestling league has offered former VP nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin $50,000 to join their "beautiful people" collection of wrestlers. They advertise it as another way for her to break into a male dominated field. I feel like the only thing that'll get broken into is some other woman's face.

The best consolation prize to losing an election

Worst Lawsuit Ever

The mayor of the city of Batman, Turkey is suing WB and Chris Nolan, the people behind the Dark Knight movie for money. Why? Because the movie is leading to:


"a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film's success has had on the city's inhabitants."

Makes sense that after 70 years of comics, tv and movies, they finally figured out that a movie without even the word, "batman" in the title is ruining their city, after becoming the second biggest movie of all time. I can relate. Every time. "Escape From New York" comes on tv, I usually double over in a rage seizure.

Holy Greedy Lawsuits, Batman!

Literally couldn't live without him

A San Francisco woman was killed by her husband, during his funeral. What? You say? While driving his coffin, it flew forward in the hearse cause of traffic and hit her. She died on the spot. Divine intervention to keep two lifelong loves from being separate for long? Reaching from beyond the grave to try and give her one more hug? Really crappy luck? You decide.

Buy one funeral, get one free.

I swear, Officer...I wasn't at that strip club

A man in Alaska "accidentally" stole someone else's car from a strip club parking lot. Presumably, he was trying to make a quick getaway when his wife found out where he was. Not only was his "got in the wrong car" story fishy, his name was Charles Schultz. The creator of Charlie Brown? Booked for grand theft auto, what would Linus say?

Wait, this isn't my car? I didn't realize it, cause I always hot wire my car when I drive it.

Hard Core Running

You think you're a hard core runner? You run marathons? You push yourself to the limits of endurance? Well, think again. Try running with a rabid fox attached to your arm by its teeth. Yeah, how do you like them apples?

It's not quite as light as my ipod armband

Video games make me angry!

Another study is out about how violent video games make children angry. I'm not quite sure still why doing a lot of fantasy violence in a fantasy video game world is reason for people to not be able to distinguish between right and wrong. I played lots of duck hunt as a kid, and you don't see me out shooting at birds or the dog retrieving my kills. My skills at super mario brothers didn't leave me thinking I could grow from eating the right mushroom or hook up with a mushroom princess. If only video games were more like real life, but alas, they're not.

I swear my child was well mannered before those awful video games!

John, Paul, George, Ringo and You

Looks like The Beatles are finally going digital. Now, you can horrify your friends and family with your terribly butchered versions of Beatles classics. That sounds like fun for everyone.

I wonder if I have to buy new rock band instruments for this?

I don't hate you, but my brain does

Scientists have now discovered the hate part of the brain. So, now if you're ever in trouble and do something stupid, you can always blame the hate circuits. "Oh no, I think I had a misfire in my hate circuits, you honor. Damn that putamen and insula!"

My brain hates you SO much!

Russia Loves Jessica Simpson

Yeah, it's true. A movie so bad that it wasn't even released in America has rocked to the top of the charts in Russia. Sounds like Jessica Simpson has a chance to do for Russia what Hasslehoff did to Germany, and by that I mean be incredibly awesome far, far away from the people who know and love her and feel too bad to tell her that she can't act.

Russia's Sweetheart

There's Hope for Everyone

For all those lonely people out there, don't worry. It's not hopeless. The world's fattest man got married over the weekend. A man so large, that he hasn't left his bed in 6 years. I guess all you need is love. Love and a bed that can support 2 people and nearly 1400lbs of weight.

Lots to Love

Death the Way You Want It

A NC man won the blue ribbon at the state fair for making his own coffin. He's also writing his own eulogy and had arranged for his pallbearers already. In addition, he's insuring that his loved ones will be so bored of his funeral by the time it happens, that they'll fast forward through it like DVR on a commercial break.

Waaaay too much free time on his hands in life.

Stop that Grandma!

A sweet, old lady in NY was arrested for the 73rd time in 37 years with a new grand larceny charge. She's just like your average grandma though, you know, baking cookies, spoiling the grandkids, playing a round of bingo and stuffing her bra full of stolen wallets.

It wasn't me! It was the on armed man!

I'm sorry Officer, but look how clean my hands are!

In what will either be described as the weirdest defense ever, or a brilliant stroke of genius, Rep. Vito Fossella of NY is going to plead that his blood alcohol level was too high, cause he's been using too much Purell. Really? Hand sanitizer? That's the best they could come up with? In other news, I was pulled over because I accidentally swallowed too much Listerine this morning, when I was getting ready for work.

Dude, forget shots, just slap on some of that sweet hand sanitizer

Saw 5: Too Scary for Canada

Apparently, the Saw movie promotion included a site where you could include crank calls from horror movie icons or just the movie's main bad guy. Unfortunately, before I could use it to scare all my loved ones into despising me, it scared away Canada. There were a lot of calls to police operators for help from the various messages. Voicemails too authentic or Canada too wimpy? You be the judge.

Help, eh! There's some aboot in the house!

Tweet Tweet

I've recently begun using twitter. I couldn't quite tell you if I love it or not, but much like facebook, it becomes oddly addicting for no apparent reason. I still can't get used to referring to posts as tweets though. What the heck is that?

Follow me on Twitter

Aliens have arrived....and we're shooting at them.

Much like Will Smith in Independence Day, this intrepid pilot stared down a UFO with all the guts he had, and he fired a full barrage of missiles. He's been sitting on this secret for 51 years. Why come forward now? He had to admit that 51 years ago, he was ordered to shoot down.....nothing. He saw a large blip on his radar, but no actual UFO. Thanks for the alien update, pal. Although, good to know that if an alien arrived, the American government instantly orders a 24 missile welcome wagon. I guess diplomacy is dead. What would Captain Kirk do?

Rest in pieces alien scum!

Yeti Attack

Here we go again. Just months after 2 guys "found" Big Foot. Now, the poor Yeti is being dragged back into the public eye. Can't we just let the mythical creatures rest in peace?

Here Yeti, Yeti, Yeti....

Rush Hour Monkey

Imagine your regular commute. Pushing through crowds, climbing down those stairs to the crowded subway platform. How boring. How uneventful. This commute could use a freaking monkey. That's what happened in Japan yesterday. A rogue monkey got loose in the subway station.

Monkey Express

Check out the included video. That monkey moved fast. Not only did he evade all those police nets in the station, he escaped and is considered, STILL AT LARGE. Rest easy citizens. That monkey still prowls the streets. Crime is not safe.

Fish Run For Freedom

Yes, it's true. The fish are now walking among us. No one is safe! The fish have stepped forth from their watery habitat and are high tailing it to freedom. Have they grown feet, you ask? Oh no. Apparently, these Florida catfish are pulling themselves along by their powerful pectoral muscles. I guess this answers one of the age old questions. Yes, fish are stronger than me.

Monkey Jail Break!

This story is to anyone who thinks the zoo is inhumane.  A group of monkeys with adventure on their minds decided to take matters into their own hands.

One more mile to freedom!

All 19 of the monkeys in a new habitat at a Florida zoo managed to hop off the island and swim to safety.  Not only did they pull off the death defying swim, but apparently, they're not supposed to be able to do that.  Don't panic, according to the officials, these monkeys are not a danger to people.  Hear that?  NOT a danger.  Of course, they're not supposed to be able to swim out of their island habitat either, pal.  What's next?  Citizens held up at gunpoint by a monkey mugger?  Frankly, even as a fervent defender of our monkey brethren, I'd be a bit concerned by these freak, evolving monkeys before they swim to the next location and terrorize the eastern seaboard like a mob of pirates!

More Fun Than a Barrel of 100 Monkeys

Well, this is it. The 100th post of Comic Monkey. I thought it best to post a heartwarming story about love and affection in the land of what else...monkeys.

No matter where you go, I will find you!

2 monkeys on the run. On the run to find each other. It's a monkey love so strong, that we dare not speak its name. One, Bruno, the male orangutan in a Los Angeles zoo, punched through his mesh trappings and escaped. Bruno could not be deterred on his quest to reunite with, Luna Bella, the female orangutan that escaped at about the same time from a zoo in Tampa. Unfortunately, before a cross country trip across the country to find his young lover, Bruno was caught up in a different holding area at the zoo and recovered. This left all of the work in Bella's court. How would her quest work out in the end? Bella found herself faced with the ultimate choice. Running towards a monkey rendez vous, or the apples, carrots and ice cream being offered by the trainers. In the end, the food won, and she returned to her pen without trouble. Incidently, this worked out pretty well for Bruno, because he's 29 and she's only 10, so he was going to be looking at getting handed a hard 10 to 20 years of monkey justice if he'd found her.

Craigs List Monkey

Some ads on Craigs List will help you buy a new couch, or scalp tickets to an event, however, some are just plain weird. So, if there's anyone out there unsure of what to do this summer, here's the job for you. Throw knives at children for $8 an hour.

Assistant Knife Throwing Instructor (South Austin)

---

Reply to: job-683035591@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-16, 11:10AM CDT


South Austin Karate is looking for summer help/full time. If you love working with children, please call 512-xxx-xxxx. Criminal background check is required. Will Train.

• Location: South Austin
• Compensation: $8.00/hour
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Phone calls about this job are ok.
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 683035591

Taser Duel in the Parking Lot at High Noon

This is 2008. Who marches out on an empty street and fires off in a quick draw against a hated opponent? Oh, the modern day duels the likes of which would make Doc Holliday proud still exist, but today it's more of a shock than a shot. It's time for tasers at 30 paces!

Don't Tase Me Bro!

A restaurant owner and a security supervisor got into a dispute over a parking boot, which led to electric warfare. Yes, they both tased each other. Let's look at this objectively. How often do parking disputes go awry like this. Also, what in the world are the odds that both these men were carrying tasers. Alright, I'll give the security guard a little credit, but the restaurant owner? Does he tase the staff when they're not performing up to task? Too much paprika in that last dish! BZZZ! It's possible that he was worried about safety, since the security guards were putting boots on all the cars in his parking lot, so how does one escape from peril when the time comes? Press the gas, and end up with your car ripping apart or moving no where, and a burglar all kinds of amused at the easy pickings.

Either way, it seems like the kind of thing that would be more likely to happen in South Park, CO, than in Boulder. Way to represent everyone's god given right to tase in the face of danger.

When Animals Go Bad

Normally, I try to come up with some sort of witty twist on a strange news story headline, but I think this one speaks for itself:

Seal Caught on Tape Molesting a Penguin

Yes, that's how much the seals have fallen on hard times these days. They are attacking the poor, innocent penguins. Here's the two scientific analysis quotes by a noted mammal ecologist:

"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," de Bruyn recalled today via email.

So, one might argue that it was true love between the seal and penguin. Maybe the seal was just trying to woo the penguin with his casanova like skills with the ladies.

"The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled."

Oh wait, so maybe it wasn't even a female penguin. Does the varying biology of the two species affect it? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

Holy crap, 45 minutes? Damn, that is one persistent seal. Well, if at first you don't succeed. That poor little penguin is lucky he/she wasn't suffocating under that creature that was more than 200 pounds heavier. You would think the "king penguin" breed would be a bit larger than 30 pounds. Needless to say, I hope you're hanging in there penguin, and that you got together with your buddies and led a march of the penguins after that seal.

Twin Trouble

Ever have a pain in your stomach and wonder what you ate that set it off? A 9 year old girl in Greece did, and the answer was not quite what anyone suspected. Was it a bad piece of cheese? A tumor? No, it was her twin.

My sister was bad, so I ate her.

As a twin myself, I find this story doubly disturbing (pun 100% intended). The doctors found an embryo for her twin that she had absorbed way back in the womb. It was a 1 in 500,000 chance of that happening to anyone. Imagine going 9 years of your life before anyone knows that you absorbed your twin. You expect them to throw you a dose of pepcid or something, and then, bam, shocker, you've actually got your sibling in there. That's got to be really weird. The girl made a full recovery once her twin was removed from her.

More Fake Money, More Real Problems

A man in Fort Worth had a brilliant plan to get money from the bank. Forge a check that "came from his girlfriend's mother," then cash it to start his own record business. There were a few flaws in his plan. One, the check was not made out to him. Two, the check was made out for 360 billion dollars.

If I had 360 billion dollars...

360 billion!?!? Almost more interesting is that the check wasn't even made out to him. The owner had no knowledge of writing said check or the money. Did he just pick a random person's name to put in there? More likely, it was the pot they found on him doing the talking. Just look at that mugshot. Doesn't look quite all there. Maybe I would have started at about 1 million, 5 million, heck, even 1 billion. 360 billion? That is a bold move. I gotta hand it to him for that kind of boldness. Unfortunately, the police don't applaud fiendish plots of forgery, and he may find 360 billion reasons to wish he wasn't going to jail.

Obvious Monkey: Scientists Prove Liquid Courage Exists

File under the science experiment that really didn't need to be funded.

Shocker! Alcohol can make you do things you wouldn't normally do!

Wait, so when you're drunk, you're liable to get more aggressive and/or do more stupid things that you wouldn't have the courage to do sober. What an entirely new revelation that we never would have come across without science!

Dude, Where's My Knife?

Everyone, at some point, has that night where you get really drunk and say or do something really stupid. Sometimes you pick a random fight with someone bigger than you, or you call that old ex that you know you shouldn't. In the case of this one man, he got himself stabbed. The best part? He didn't even remember.

Damn, my back is sore...what did I do last night?

A Russian man went out drinking after work one night, and when he got up the next morning, his wife noticed a knife handle sticking out of his back. His wife noticed it, IN THE MORNING. That means, he rode the bus back, slept and had breakfast, all the while, not noticing that he had a knife in his back! That guy must have really been hitting the hard stuff. I mean, even if you forget what's gone on from a night of being blackout wasted, he didn't feel the sharp object sticking in his flesh the next day. I'm impressed he was able to figure out his way home on the bus.

What about his drinking buddy? Deputy prosecutor, and avid Yoda impressionist, said this, "Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment."

In the end, our hero does not feel the need to press charges, and he bears no ill will to his attacker. In fact, he gives us this little piece of wisdom, "We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?"

Video Monkey: Monkeys Love Music

Stop the Huffing Madness!

An 8 year old boy was suspended from his grade school for sniffing marker fumes off his jacket. Yes, marker fumes.

Destroy all the markers! Think of the children!

Now, it's possible that I do not have the best interests of the youth of our country in mind, but doesn't this seem a bit over the top? First of all, an 8 year old boy can barely tie his shoes yet (we weren't all super geniuses), let alone know he's dabbling in dangerous narcotics. Secondly, when did huffing marker fumes become dangerous to kids health?

Did the boy learn his lesson?

"It smelled good," Harris said. "They told me that's wrong."

Sounds effective to me. Despite, the doctor's assurance that it cannot get you high, the principal continued in his outrage:

"Principals make hundreds of decisions everyday based on our best judgment. And in that time, smelling that marker, I felt like, 'Wow, that's a very serious marker,'" Benisch said.

Despite the medical evidence, Benisch promised to draw an even clearer line on markers.

"We've purged every permanent marker there is in this building," he said.

What did markers ever do to this guy? Maybe he should worry about purging possible weapons or drugs or something that seems like it could pose a more dangerous threat to the kids. Sharpie markers? Somehow, I don't imagine it leads down a dark path to drug addiction and health problems, but again...what do i know?

Is it the Nerdiest Proposal or is it the Greatest Proposal Ever?

Is this computer programmer a cheesy, sappy romantic nerd or is he a twisted genius?

It's ok honey, I'd rather you play your computer games than talk to me.

This guy managed to reprogram her favorite game (and notorious office day time waster), Bejeweled, to suddenly contain a proposal when she reached a certain score threshold. Needless to say, this won her over, and even won them a free honeymoon from the game company. Really? That really is a match made in nerd heaven. I wonder what he set the score to be? Imagine if she just kept having a bad day at the game, and he was just sitting there sweating it out nonstop. The best reaction came from the game company. They said that normally no one appreciates it when people tamper with their games, but in this case, he has to applaud the nerd winning over an actual girl. Way to tell it like it is, video game executive...way to tell it like it is.

Remember Kids, Playing Dead Protects You From Bears, Not Police

As he'd forgotten the age old rule about when to play dead, this burglar in Spain was caught by police playing dead in a funeral parlor.

Hmmm...look at those bodies. One of these things is not like the other.

How was he busted by the police? They noticed 2 things about him. One was that he was dressed in dirty clothes, and the other was that he was BREATHING! Yup, even this pinnacle of crime excellence couldn't remember to hold his breath when hiding on display. I guess it could have been worse. He could have been mistaken for a body returning to life and attacked like the man last year who dressed like a zombie for Halloween. Another good question was why he was robbing that place to begin with. That's like a page from an idiot's guide to grave robbing. The funeral home isn't full of valuables. Better luck next time!

Meet Your 100 Special Someones on Facebook!

Facebook takes another moves towards classy dating. A 23 year old girl decided to start a Facebook group titled, "I Need Sex." I think the motivation was pretty clear. Shockingly, Facebook closed her account, but not before she'd gotten 100 members in the group, 50 of whom found their way to her bed. Talk about using Facebook for some self promotion.

I thought we were exclusive!

The best quote of the article?

"She admitted some people might "look down on me" for her behaviour and said some might even say that she may as well have been a prostitute because then she would at least have been paid for sleeping with so many different men, but she said: "I don't see it like that at all. ""

It's always a good sign when your friends tell you that you might as well have been a prostitute.

Gnome Attack!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. It's coming. It's coming to get you! A whole panic stricken town is crippled. It's a GNOME!?!?

Attack of the sideways walking, pint sized gnome.

Seriously, a gnome?
This is the image that launched fear into the hearts of men, women and children in a South American town. Some kids managed to get footage of the gnome in action (See video on the link). Sure enough, it moves slowly, wears a pointy hat and walks sideways. What? It walks sideways? My favorite part about the video is that the kids are screaming in terror. They can't even film it for more than a couple brief seconds before the camera cuts off to screams. They said one of them had to go to the hospital because he was too scared. Maybe I missed out on some of the experience, but too afraid of what? It's a little gnome. It's like being scared of the cute little gnome on the travelocity commercials. Does he cast spells? The kids claim other town residents have also come forward. No one wants to leave their homes. Will the gnome be caught? Who ya gonna call?

I'd Like a Half Caff. Low Fat, Double Mocha...Kidney

Now, I've befriended starbucks barista after starbucks barista.  All i've had to show for it was the occasional free cookie.  Hats off to excessive over the top giving:

Would you like a pastry, cookie or body part with your coffee?

How about the ultimate donation of friendship and kindness.  A barista offered her regular customer and friend her kidney.  A kidney?!?  She better get a really sweet ass tip for that one.  Talk about generous.  Can you imagine what it was like for the other people in line when this took place?  I know if it had been my usual manhattan bucks, then the whole line would have groaned and said, "great, get a room and let me get my coffee!"  I won't belittle the friendship of the customer and server relationship, but how did that even come up?  Who tells their barista that they're just desperate for a kidney.  Maybe, I've never had that friendly a barista or maybe I'm more private about my medical history, but I feel like in that 1 minute exhange of goods, my latest hospital trip doesn't usually come up!  Well, good luck woman getting a new kidney.  I hope you fill that tip charge to the brim every day after this!

A Monkey Match Made in Heaven

It's true.  Even monkey's can find true love.  It's a real, live monkey wedding!

I take thee, monkey, to be my lawfully wedded husband...

Earth Obliterarted by Alien Death Rays

In the past, the death star brought about only pleasant memories of Luke Skywalker using the force and saving the rebel alliance from certain destruction.  However, times have changed.

"Look how pretty that supernova is.  Hey, it's coming closer, so we can get a better view.  It's getting really close.  Too close.  Are you warm?  I'm feeling warm."  

Apparently, this star group called WR 104 is flittering around out there just waiting to one day explode.  Just feel the drama in this quote by the scientist being interviewed:

"I used to appreciate this spiral just for its beautiful form, but now I can't help a twinge of feeling that it is uncannily like looking down a rifle barrel,"

Clearly, some mad scientist failed with his experiments on the first 103 WRs, and now WR 104 is primed to destroy us.  I do prefer the other term used, "Pinwheel of Death."  When these stars go supernova, a wave of gamma radiation will shoot across the galaxy at the speed of light, which could, among other things, obliterate all life on earth.  Everyone who's ever read a comic book knows that gamma rays just turn you into the hulk or something, right?  Maybe we'll all develop super powers instead.  The way I see it, it's really a 50/50 bet here.  Instant death or super powers.  I don't know about you, but I like those odds.

Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?

Evidently, Indiana Jones did not have any character flaws.  He's scared of snakes cause he can't help it!

What is that slithering creature?  I'm not sure, but I know that I hate it!

Two researchers from the University of Virginia believe that our fear of snakes comes from an evolutionary trait and not just cause they're generally creepy.  I must confess, I am compelled by evolutionary studies, since I used to write about them myself in college, but this is one of those that I sort of scratch my head on.  Maybe our ancestors were afraid of snakes, but at the same time, they were afraid for a reason!  It could be evolution or it could be the venom and the whole killing thing.  I didn't need my ancient monkey relatives to pass along a genetic message in a bottle!  Later on, it's explained, that at least in Virginia, it's easy to identify the venomous from the non venomous snakes by looking deep into their eyes and checking out their pupils.  Um, the last thing I want to do is stare deep into a snake's eyes.  I will hopefully be long gone before that bad boy starts crawling up my face!

Beware of Snake!

I don't even have to make up my own sentence to describe this link.  The actual headline does it enough justice:

Snake Eats Family Dog as Kids Watch

What the hell?  That story couldn't be worse unless the snake ate the kids afterwards.  The best part is the way the zookeeper decides to rub it in even more.  First he tells them that they can't remove the still being digested dog, because it could cause harm to the snake, and everyone knows that you don't do anything to that might hurt the poor snake who slithered into someone's house and inhaled the dog.  Then, he goes on to say, in a way that i read as smarmy, how they really should have just called him the other day when they saw the snake.  Although, I will say...who knew snakes measured themselves and stalked prey for days before eating.  I certainly didn't.  If I ever see a person sized snake (such as the one stalking J Lo and Eric Stoltz in Anaconda), riding on the subway next to me for a couple days, you can be damn sure that I'll call some zookeeper/superhero right away!

What's New in Doggie Fashion?

Ever wonder what a dog feels like when it has to wear a ridiculous looking sweater?  I've never owned a dog, so I can't relate to the joyous feeling people get by warming them up in some ugly sweater.  How come the clothes are never more stylish?  Well, who is making the biggest leap in preparing dogs to face the outside world?  You guessed it.....The Berlin Police Department?!?

Berlin Police Dogs:  Now prepared for all terrain!

What really sold this article to me is the picture.  I mean, check this dog out.  He's all tough, he's ready to fight crime, and he's sporting some extra mean looking bright blue shoes:

 

BRING ON THE BAD GUYS!

Criminals beware.  Once that furry dude comes running at you in a blur of ferocious brown and bright blue, then no one will know what to do with themselves!  Gone are the days of hearing, "BARK BARK OW MY TOES!"  Now, it's just all nonstop ferocity.  

TV Monkey: Who Wants to Be a Hilton?

Bored at home on a friday night?  Looking for something fun to do?  Need a new BFF to have a fun slumber party with?  You're not the only one.

Paris Hilton needs a new friend.  Could it be YOU?

Really?  Is this what it's come to?  Paris is now going to have reality show to find herself a new best friend.  According to the rep, she's tired of "haters and looking for someone new."  Well, that's what happens when you build up an enemy list amongst the A-Listers.  I'm surprised there wasn't someone new and exciting in prison to meet.  Even Martha Stewart found her friend that made her presents.  I will give Paris credit.  I've always found the best place to find anything is on a reality tv show.  I mean, look at all the happy couples that have found enduring and never ending love forever from this venue of tv.  I'm sure were it not for the paparazzi pressures, then even Joe Millionaire would be happily ever after.  I wonder how much choice she'll have over the contestants.  Here's hoping she ends up with a batch of rejects from the Flavor of Love auditions.  Now, THAT would be good television.  

Video Monkey: Monkeys vs Tiger!

I don't know what is better about this video.  The odd disney cartoon like sound effects and music or that awesome scottish guy talking at the end.  I wonder what zookeeper thought it was a good idea to mix monkeys with tigers.  At least it ends with a happy ending, and not some gruesome monkey carnage.

Los Angeles: Dirtiest Air, Cleanest Water

In tribute to Oscar Night, I bring you the results of another highly anticipated awards ceremony.  The Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting.  Envelope please....

And the award goes to...the Los Angeles area.  Wait a minute, Los Angeles?

Southern California finds a way to keep the smog and pollution out of the water.  The award for Best Municipal Water 2008 was given to Metropolitan Water District of Southern California.  They serve a few areas, including Los Angeles.  How is one of the dirtiest polluted cities spewing forth the cleanest water?  The city donates 2 gallons of their best water to this contest each year.  Imagine being a judge on this panel.  They have to rate each one on taste, odor, mouth feel and after taste.  Now, clearly I'm no expert, but should any water really have an odor or a nasty after taste?  Seriously?  If i took a sip of anything remotely rancid and containing an out of the ordinary scent/taste, I think the city officials would find themselves wearing all 2 gallons of the donated water.  Also, what is "mouth feel?"  I think water should have two very simple feels.  I want it to feel cool and refreshing.  I certainly don't want there to be anything prickly or rough or smooth.  Nothing should be feeling up the inside of mouth, while I enjoy a glass of water.  

Most importantly, where are the votes for my hometown New York City water?  Sure, it's sometimes got a chlorine like taste to it, and occasionally you've got to let the faucet run a few extra seconds until the the water stops looking brown, but damn is it ever tasty. 

Fish In Space!

Ever wonder what a good, inexpensive way to study motion sickness would be?  I can tell you what wouldn't be.:

Swimming with the stars

Some researchers were looking to study the effects of motion sickness on the body using fish in space.  Yes, fish in space.  They shot 72 fish into space in a tiny rocket with a tiny aquarium inside of it.  Apparently, fish swim in circles when they have motion sickness, so they want to see if there's a pattern to why some people get motion sickness and some don't.  Wait a minute.  Fish swim in circles when they have motion sickness?  Why don't they just stop moving?  Wouldn't that be an easier way to get over motion sickness?  

"Oh man, I feel so dizzy sick.  You guys go ahead, I'm going to swim this off.  Oh yeah, perfect circles, that's the spot.  There we go."

Luckily, the fish all returned safely to planet earth.  When asked to comment on the adventure, one of the fish replied by just swimming in circles and ignoring the interviewer.  That ungrateful little monster.

Video Monkey: Monkeys Love Bananas!

Collecting random monkey related videos from around the web.  This monkey runs into a bit of an obstacle in retrieving his desired banana:

A Different Way To Tip The Waiter

Sometimes, a waiter has a charming sass to them.  Sometimes, they just plain don't like you.  This woman encountered the latter on a recent outing to an Italian Steakhouse in England.

That lady thought my service sucked?  I've got something else she can suck

According to the story, her bill was itemized with, "Cabernet Sauvignon, crude invitation to oral sex, fish cakes."  The restaurant only said that it apologized and that this was the result of a game between the staff.  I like how no one was fired or anything.  The restaurant is clearly run in the good humor of people just challenging each other to dare contests.  

"I bet you won't drop this rat in the soup."

"Oh yeah? Watch me.  I bet you won't trip and fall and spill food on a customer."

"Oh yeah?  Well, I bet you won't throw nutmeg into that man's dessert even though he's deathly allergic."

"Oh yeah?  I bet you won't dare that woman to come to the kitchen and sex you up."

The best part of it was that according to the woman, the service was just plain awful too.  

Today's Youth Loves Cougars

Well, looks like another study has been done that requires research almost as shady as the point they are trying to prove.  It turns out that a parent's fear of their child being seduced by an old person impersonating a kid are misplaced.  Turns out, kids just dig old people.

If it looks like a sketchy, old man and talks like a sketchy, old man....

Evidently, most sexual predators today just say how old they are and they they're out prowling for sex online.  Even more interesting is that kids are down with it.  Kids aren't being lured out under false pretenses, they are doing some premeditated cougar hunting.  It's sort of surprising, cause I thought that the world was full of the dirtballs that Chris Hansen snags on "To Catch a Predator,"  but it's really savvy kids optionally chasing after older dudes.  Now, I'm not one to pick at the scientific process, but let's have a look at the subjects.  It says the survey was done on a group of internet using 10 to 17 year olds.  They also were able to confirm that social networking sites like facebook and myspace don't put them in further danger.  Is it just me, or does this reek a little bit of kids just trying not to get in trouble for being online.  "Don't worry, Mom, no one's fooling me...I've got this old man wrapped around my finger."  If we accept all these studies as fact, then why limit any of the kids online activity.  They know what they're doing completely and can't be deceived.  Hmmm, this sounds like quite a dastardly hatched kid plot to be left alone.  Perhaps, they are all smarter than I gave them credit for after all....

Death From Above

The earth is in danger, as a deadly satellite plummets to earth.  If it reaches the ground, it could disperse deadly fumes to 2 football fields worth of land.  The president has approved a plan for the military to shoot it down before it can cause the untold damage.  Is this the summer blockbuster for the season?  Oh no, it's apparently real life.  What a world we live in.  I wonder, if this plan fails, will plan B contain Bruce Willis and a team of experts going up to the satellite and attempting to disable it?

Look out below!

Devil Frog Will Ribit Your Face Off

Everyone loves a little frog.  It hops around playfully.  It's got a weapon for a tongue, that can grab flies out of the air so fast like they were never there.  Most importantly, they are SMALL and HARMLESS.  Well, not anymore.

Please don't hurt me Devil Frog!

Scientists have unearthed the fossils of a frog the size of a bowling ball.  This bad boy of prehistoric times came in at around 16 inches tall and 10 pounds.  A couple of those suckers hopping around would probably rattle your glass of water as much as a T-Rex.  They sported a rather mean dinosaur temperament too.  What's worse is that they had the jawpower to back it up.  The superfrog strength of its jaw was enough to supposedly break a baby dinosaur.  Just look at this picture:

It's got a modern day frog looking up and thinking, "So, this is how it ends," while a pencil sits idly by not trying to rescue him.  Stupid useless number 2 pencils.  

Do these frogs exist in any form today?  Apparently, they might.  There's a type of frog in South America called, "ceratophyrines," AKA, "Pac Man Frogs."  I don't think you need a rocket scientist to tell you how they attack.  I wonder if they make ribit noises as they move like pac man did.  Ribit, ribit, ribit, CHOMP.  Either way, I value my ankles, and I certainly wouldn't want to run into the Devilized Pac Man frog anywhere.  I only have more love for my tiny, hopping froggy friends now.

What Knight Rider Should Have Been

This is a much better update to the old Knight Rider TV show that the Hoff himself made.  I know it's over a year old, but frankly, it never gets old!  Who wouldn't want to jump in his car?

TV Monkey: Knight Rider Movie

Last night, I sat down to "enjoy" the new updated Knight Rider movie.  Let me just tell you going in, that the most exciting thing about this movie was the anticipation of when the Hoff was going to appear in a cameo.  Not only was the car unimpressive, but the bad guys seemed to have all the same technology.  They even had the ability to attempt to hack in and take control of it.  How formidable and impressive is your technologically enhanced car if it's already threatened by stereotypical nerdy computer hacker guy in episode 1!  The star, Justin Bruening, showed his full range of acting skills honed on, "All My Children," as the way too morally sound, Jamie Martin, that put up with way too much trouble and drama throughout his love affair with the mostly annoying, Babe Carey.  Er, that is, well, what I've heard.  Back to the point.  The brief redemption came at the end, during the Hoff's cameo.  I bet Will Arnett's original vocals would have been better, and like any movie, it could have used more Hoff.  

1 out of 5 bananas on the TV Monkey scale.

Comic Monkey Returns

It's been over a month, since the last post here at Comic Monkey.  Well, I'm back and this time, there'll be even more types of content.  What will it be you ask?  Stay tuned...

Your Move, WGA

Well, the directors guild has settled its contract issues without a strike. It took a whole....6 days.

Yay! We don't have to lose any time in our comfy director chairs!

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a fervent supporter of all things writers, but one would think that this has got to get the ball rolling here. There's at least some basic framework for the internet issue in this agreement. I know it's not as epic as George Clooney's offer to save Hollywood with his peace brokering, but still. I think it's a start. As much as I enjoy watching new episodes of Paradise Hotel and adding the new Terminator show to my DVR, I'd much prefer some of the beloved tv shows I love returning. At least before things get desperate and Fox creates another edition of the classic, "Man vs Beast." Come to think of it....it can be after that.

Gotta Have My Sean Paul

I guess people will do whatever to listen to their favorite music.

Argh! I can handle the pain. Just don't make me stop listening to it!

Every now and then you'll hear an odd story about something like this. An otherwise healthy 25 year old was having seizures whenever Sean Paul would come on. Any Sean Paul song. After 2 surgeries that included applying 100 electrodes to her brain, then removing them and also parts of the brain, she can now jam away whenever she wants to. While I can understand the frustration of it all, and the embarrassment of when she would collapse at parties, etc, you'd think she might just save the money and take him off her ipod?

Slimy Babies

I was watching a movie last night, and there was one of those scenes where someone has a baby, and it's all touching and nice. However, looking at that slimy baby got me thinking. How do they cast for these parts? Do people willingly toss their newborns into Hollywood productions? Here, take my baby and slime it up good. I suppose money helps, but still, it seems odd to me. I mean, here's this baby, new and impressionable, and probably pretty happy to be free from the womb. Naturally, he/she would probably not be that pumped to simulate the miracle of life all over again. Sure, the baby's job is pretty easy. Lie around and let them cover them with goo like they've been slimed by a ghostbusters' ghost, but i wonder how confusing that must be. Their tiny little minds thinking, "didn't I just d0 this? Come on!" I suppose it's better than one of those rebirthing exercises. At least, the slimy baby movie role will pay for college.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a....Super Rat!

Living in New York, you will periodically stumble upon a rodent running around in the subway or on a sidestreet somewhere. However, just imagine seeing this bad boy crawl out of a garbage can near you:

What the hell is that thing? Take my garbage! Take my wallet! Take whatever you want!

Two scientists in Uruguay discovered the skeleton of a rodent that weighed approximately 1 ton! They estimated it at 3 meters long or the size of a small car. That is the most frightening thing that I've heard in a while. I'm not ashamed to say that I reacted in a rather unmanly fashion when i had a mouse in my apartment, so I don't think that I could gauge the reaction if I were to find a 1 ton super rat. Especially if it was with its buddies that are mentioned in the article, the terror birds and the giant armored mammals. Terror birds? They sound like they are cronies that work for Skeletor in his on going battle against the Masters of the Universe. What's a giant armored mammal anyway? I'm imagining an animal in one of those giant hamster balls, but made of an impenetrable metal. The creature peers through the viewholes as it wreaks havoc upon the country side. Maybe if the super rat had gotten itself a set of this armor, then it wouldn't be extinct. Take that, super rat!

My Wife Charges by the Hour

Looking for a way to earn a little extra cash on the side? You could go work in a store like this woman told her husband she did, but to his surprise, she was actually working at his local whorehouse.

I paid all this money to have sex with someone that was not my wife!

I think the funniest/saddest part that this story never touches on is the guy's motivations. He's so shocked that his wife had lied to him and is doing this, he can't believe it. She's such an awful person. Um, buddy, you're at the brothel too! That seems to be lost in all this. I'm thinking that the marriage would be dysfunctional enough with her moonlighting as a prostitute, but he's also hiring them. Who knows how many times he went over there and didn't get her after he dropped some cash. I guess it really is all about how you spin the story. "Woe is me! My wife sleeps with other men for money!" However, he's the one paying other people for his sleeping around. At least she was making some money off the deal. Ironically enough, perhaps the same money that he flushed away at the same place. What a wonderful world!

Deadly Rich

Creativity at its best for these two guys. In what could only have happened in a deleted scene from Weekend at Bernie's, two men attempted to cash a dead guy's social security check. Oh, it wasn't one of them in disguise or carrying fake IDs, they literally wheeled the dead man to the check cashing place and gave it a try.

He really wants this check cashed. What? No, he's just really tired and sleepy, but he really wants us to cash his check.

What do you do when your friend passes away in the apartment that you two live in? Grieve? Call for medical attention. No, that'd be too easy, there's still money that could be made from it. It's amazing how low people will stoop for a check for $350 split two ways. The most moronic part was that after wheeling him down "flopping in a chair," they left him in the street, while they went inside! How'd the police find them? Could have been top notch police work or it could have been the mob of people who formed around the random dead guy in an office chair sitting on the sidewalk of New York City. When the clerk didn't believe them, they were about to bring him inside to help with the scheme. If I were the police, I'd almost have let it go on two more minutes, just to see how they pulled it off. Was someone going to hold him up as if he was a giant puppet? Well played, gentlemen. Nothing says classy like taking advantage of a dead, old guy's body for financial gain.

Worst Way to Make Bacon

In an odd similarity to the method Mrs O'Leary's cow used burned down much of Chicago, A Jacksonville man's pig burned down part of his house.

Mmmmmm, that bacon sure smells fresh!

Jacksonville had a tough freeze on Thursday, much like a lot of the Northeast. I know I went to sleep with 2 blankets and a heater that was burning up the room so much that you could have cooked bacon on my arm. A thoughtful Jacksonville man was looking out for the well being of his pig. He parked that pig out on the back porch with a space heater to keep it nice and toasty. Unfortunately, the pig kicked over the space heater and burned down the back half of his house. While all the family survived unscathed, the pig didn't make it. I remember learning on the farm once that pigs are smart enough to never run into the same part of the electric fence twice. I guess he could not resist the warmth of that fire while the freeze was going on around him. Fare thee well, Jacksonville Pig.

New Year Monkey

2007 has come and gone, but alas, the legend lives on. After a month of monkey hibernation, it's time to get back to work...Onwards to 2008!