Good Hygiene Means Staying Employed

The cardinal rule for being a good doorman is being friendly, cheerful, perhaps a good conversationalist. Yet, this guy took the wrong approach when preparing for work.

Good morning. What? Why are you running away? I'm just trying to talk to you. Why do you keep flinching? Hello!?!?

As if the warnings of your parents and the dentists weren't enough, always brush your teeth in the morning. The doorman was sent home for having bad breath. He did decide to stop eating garlic (How much of it was he eating before?!?) and use mouthwash and take breath mints. Maybe he was taking garlic breath mints. Or maybe someone switched out his mints for those Harry Potter jelly beans , and he was eating an odd assortment of disgusting taste sensations. Now, seriously though, I'm curious. How bad was his breath? I mean, doesn't the doorman sit behind a desk or at least not within close proximity to you when you come and go from a building? Was it so powerful that people could smell it from across the lobby? I'm imagining someone with breath hitting from afar. You'd think people would be able to see a visible trace of something that bad. Where will he end up next? Perhaps radio DJ, where he can be in a booth without company? Working from home? Could it really be that bad? Poor guy. So many questions....so few answers...

Saving the World Through Flatulence

Now, here's something that I haven't heard come up in any of Al Gore's speeches.

Do you smell something? I smell a cleaner planet

"Don't look at me, Mate. I'm here to save the world!"

Apparently, there's a bacteria in the kangaroo stomach that allows them to break down food differently than other animals. Why is this relevant? According to a study, 14% of the global warming emissions is the methane gas coming from cattle. I've never been to Australia, but I'm assuming that it isn't much smellier than living in New York is, but it looks like the cattle are causing some ripe problems. Who'd have known that so much damage was being done? There's a third grade quality silent but deadly joke in their somewhere that I'm missing. Don't blame the kangaroos though, their special stomachs allow them to produce clean gas. Yes, the kangaroos are apparently keeping the world safer, even if they put away a particularly bean filled bowl of chili. Mad scientists want to see if they can start modifying other animals to have this too. Did I say mad? I meant...scientists. I'm all about saving the world, but doesn't it seem like we're really grasping at straws here if they're trying to fix it this way. Somehow, I don't think the answer to the world's environmental problems lies in whatever is coming out of a sheep's ass.

I Just Called to Say I'm Creepy

I came across this link today, which is certainly an odd collision of the cyber and real world we live in today.

Hey Baby, u don't know me, but I'm standing across this bar checking u out. :) LOL :)

Now, approaching someone online is one thing. I know plenty of people who have gotten into things like match.com, but this is something else entirely. It's apparently some sort of service that allows you to text people across the room from you to "break the ice." I mean..wow. Really? I feel like nothing would flatter a girl more than texting her to tell her that she looks good, but I'm too chicken to actually come and talk to her. What's the protocol for her then? Text you back or is she forced to start the actual conversation?

Entertainingly enough, this is a direct sentence from their site, "This approach is so new and unique that very few people understand the situations in which it will work for them, or the full potential of this idea." No kidding guys. People don't entirely understand it, cause it's a little odd. If you're bold enough to go on this blind date, speed dating like location, you'd think you could talk to someone. You're all there in a big meet up meat market. The ice is already broken!

There's also a section on when this would NOT work for someone. First off, if you live in a rural environment. Sorry farmland areas, you're going to have to resort to online, there's no local bar for you. Then, if you're going through a painful break up:

"I'm still getting over a difficult breakup, will Ice Brkr still work for me?

If you're feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, you may want to make sure you have the support of close friends while meeting new people in a bar via Ice Brkr. Or you may want to consider online dating in the first instance and move on to Ice Brkr when you're feeling a bit stronger."

Damn, I have to be emotionally strong to use this site? Well there goes that. At the very least, my friends will be there with me, when the girl comes to kick my ass for texting her creepy stalker messages from across the bar!

Sadly, it's only in the UK. One day, kids....one day.

How Much Do I Tip the Pizza Guy?

Ever been standing next to the delivery guy, holding a bag of food, and thinking, "What the hell do I give this guy?"

There are all those supposed shorthand methods to what is good and bad tipping. I live in New York, and we've got our cab tipping rates. It's always $1 plus the leftover change, but if your cabbie gets into an accident, then he only gets the business end of your stern talking to, as you hop out to go about your way. Sometimes, the cabbie gets a little angry at that tip (I think it goes up accordingly per $10, so $2 plus the change for anything over $20), but if he drives you all the way out to the airport and doesn't do anything but pop the trunk, then what am I paying for? The pleasure of manual labor?

This doesn't mean that I'm into undertipping. I feel too guilty to do that. The lowest restaurant tip that I'll give is still doubling the 8.25% tax. Although, I do recall one time as a child and out with my parents, where the waiter left in the middle of our dinner. He literally left for the night, and not to the store for an extra block of cheese. I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt of a family emergency, but he just strolled down the street, happy as could be, as if he didn't have a care in the world. This left the dilemma of whether or not to tip the waiter who subbed in for him at the end. He did a good job taking care of the check and clearing the dishes, but if they don't all pool tips, then it was sort of like tipping the person who comes in and cleans the whore house after the hookers have gone home (Sadly, a process that I've witnessed, but a story for another day).

This brings me to my original point. There's a system for figuring all these out. What do you tip the pizza guy? For some reason, I've never had any idea. I find myself standing there counting bills under pressure like a game of beat the clock. Part of me hopes that if I count it slow enough, the delivery guy will just tell me a reasonable answer. Of course, after a minute of stalling, I'd almost give him $100 just to end the awkward silence. Tonight, I ordered my dinner from a restaurant online, and it allows you to factor in a tip with your online credit card purchase. When the guy showed up though, the receipt I had to sign had another line for "extra gratuity." Hadn't I already tipped? I didn't know what to do with myself, so I added another dollar. Bottom line, I need a good tipping system. The restaurant might have your name off a credit card, but the delivery guy knows where you live. I make it a practice to not anger people who know where I live.

All is Right With the World Again

Fear not, everyone. Apparently, Siegfried and Roy are open to one day making a comeback.

I promise you that tigers are nice, and my tiger friend loves me. What? No one believes me? Come on, come play with my tiger friend.

The most shocking thing about this article to me is actually how old they are. I had no idea Siegfried was nearly 70 and Roy was in his early 60s. Really guys? How rich are you by now? I know when I'm 63, that I'll be preparing for some sort of peaceful retirement and I'm not going to be getting my jollys by putting my head inside a tiger's toothy mouth!

Tis the Season...

Here we are, the holidays are upon us again. The tree has been lit at Rockefeller Center, the ice skating rinks are open again, people are outside ringing bells collecting for the needy, and the kids have started hopping into Santa's lap to find out if he'll get them what they've always wanted for Christmas. Of course, in this case, all Santa and his little friend got was a big bit of pie.

I love the way that pie oozes through your beard

This creatively named kid, "Clint Westwood," apparently took matters into his own hands to teach Santa a lesson for giving him that large sack of coal last year. He slammed a pumpkin pie into Santa's face while he was working at the mall. He wanted to wait for the little girl to move away, but then decided it was funnier with her in the shot. This budding filmmaker also recorded the whole thing, but was arrested before Santa could sign the release. Somehow, I feel like Clint Westwood is a stage name pulled from the farthest depths of creativity. It reeks of artistic genius...it almost sounds like a name I've heard before that might give the allusion of fame. Even the cop is unimpressed, as he states that Santa could have kicked this guy's ass if he'd gone over after. You certainly never saw Clint Eastwood get beat up by Santa.