Well, this is it. The 100th post of Comic Monkey. I thought it best to post a heartwarming story about love and affection in the land of what else...monkeys.
No matter where you go, I will find you!
2 monkeys on the run. On the run to find each other. It's a monkey love so strong, that we dare not speak its name. One, Bruno, the male orangutan in a Los Angeles zoo, punched through his mesh trappings and escaped. Bruno could not be deterred on his quest to reunite with, Luna Bella, the female orangutan that escaped at about the same time from a zoo in Tampa. Unfortunately, before a cross country trip across the country to find his young lover, Bruno was caught up in a different holding area at the zoo and recovered. This left all of the work in Bella's court. How would her quest work out in the end? Bella found herself faced with the ultimate choice. Running towards a monkey rendez vous, or the apples, carrots and ice cream being offered by the trainers. In the end, the food won, and she returned to her pen without trouble. Incidently, this worked out pretty well for Bruno, because he's 29 and she's only 10, so he was going to be looking at getting handed a hard 10 to 20 years of monkey justice if he'd found her.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Craigs List Monkey
Some ads on Craigs List will help you buy a new couch, or scalp tickets to an event, however, some are just plain weird. So, if there's anyone out there unsure of what to do this summer, here's the job for you. Throw knives at children for $8 an hour.
Reply to: job-683035591@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-16, 11:10AM CDT
South Austin Karate is looking for summer help/full time. If you love working with children, please call 512-xxx-xxxx. Criminal background check is required. Will Train.
PostingID: 683035591
Assistant Knife Throwing Instructor (South Austin)
Reply to: job-683035591@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-16, 11:10AM CDT
South Austin Karate is looking for summer help/full time. If you love working with children, please call 512-xxx-xxxx. Criminal background check is required. Will Train.
- Location: South Austin
- Compensation: $8.00/hour
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
- Phone calls about this job are ok.
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 683035591
Taser Duel in the Parking Lot at High Noon
This is 2008. Who marches out on an empty street and fires off in a quick draw against a hated opponent? Oh, the modern day duels the likes of which would make Doc Holliday proud still exist, but today it's more of a shock than a shot. It's time for tasers at 30 paces!
Don't Tase Me Bro!
A restaurant owner and a security supervisor got into a dispute over a parking boot, which led to electric warfare. Yes, they both tased each other. Let's look at this objectively. How often do parking disputes go awry like this. Also, what in the world are the odds that both these men were carrying tasers. Alright, I'll give the security guard a little credit, but the restaurant owner? Does he tase the staff when they're not performing up to task? Too much paprika in that last dish! BZZZ! It's possible that he was worried about safety, since the security guards were putting boots on all the cars in his parking lot, so how does one escape from peril when the time comes? Press the gas, and end up with your car ripping apart or moving no where, and a burglar all kinds of amused at the easy pickings.
Either way, it seems like the kind of thing that would be more likely to happen in South Park, CO, than in Boulder. Way to represent everyone's god given right to tase in the face of danger.
Don't Tase Me Bro!
A restaurant owner and a security supervisor got into a dispute over a parking boot, which led to electric warfare. Yes, they both tased each other. Let's look at this objectively. How often do parking disputes go awry like this. Also, what in the world are the odds that both these men were carrying tasers. Alright, I'll give the security guard a little credit, but the restaurant owner? Does he tase the staff when they're not performing up to task? Too much paprika in that last dish! BZZZ! It's possible that he was worried about safety, since the security guards were putting boots on all the cars in his parking lot, so how does one escape from peril when the time comes? Press the gas, and end up with your car ripping apart or moving no where, and a burglar all kinds of amused at the easy pickings.
Either way, it seems like the kind of thing that would be more likely to happen in South Park, CO, than in Boulder. Way to represent everyone's god given right to tase in the face of danger.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
When Animals Go Bad
Normally, I try to come up with some sort of witty twist on a strange news story headline, but I think this one speaks for itself:
Seal Caught on Tape Molesting a Penguin
Yes, that's how much the seals have fallen on hard times these days. They are attacking the poor, innocent penguins. Here's the two scientific analysis quotes by a noted mammal ecologist:
"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," de Bruyn recalled today via email.
So, one might argue that it was true love between the seal and penguin. Maybe the seal was just trying to woo the penguin with his casanova like skills with the ladies.
"The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled."
Oh wait, so maybe it wasn't even a female penguin. Does the varying biology of the two species affect it? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.
The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.
Holy crap, 45 minutes? Damn, that is one persistent seal. Well, if at first you don't succeed. That poor little penguin is lucky he/she wasn't suffocating under that creature that was more than 200 pounds heavier. You would think the "king penguin" breed would be a bit larger than 30 pounds. Needless to say, I hope you're hanging in there penguin, and that you got together with your buddies and led a march of the penguins after that seal.
Seal Caught on Tape Molesting a Penguin
Yes, that's how much the seals have fallen on hard times these days. They are attacking the poor, innocent penguins. Here's the two scientific analysis quotes by a noted mammal ecologist:
"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," de Bruyn recalled today via email.
So, one might argue that it was true love between the seal and penguin. Maybe the seal was just trying to woo the penguin with his casanova like skills with the ladies.
"The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled."
Oh wait, so maybe it wasn't even a female penguin. Does the varying biology of the two species affect it? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.
The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.
Holy crap, 45 minutes? Damn, that is one persistent seal. Well, if at first you don't succeed. That poor little penguin is lucky he/she wasn't suffocating under that creature that was more than 200 pounds heavier. You would think the "king penguin" breed would be a bit larger than 30 pounds. Needless to say, I hope you're hanging in there penguin, and that you got together with your buddies and led a march of the penguins after that seal.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Twin Trouble
Ever have a pain in your stomach and wonder what you ate that set it off? A 9 year old girl in Greece did, and the answer was not quite what anyone suspected. Was it a bad piece of cheese? A tumor? No, it was her twin.
My sister was bad, so I ate her.
As a twin myself, I find this story doubly disturbing (pun 100% intended). The doctors found an embryo for her twin that she had absorbed way back in the womb. It was a 1 in 500,000 chance of that happening to anyone. Imagine going 9 years of your life before anyone knows that you absorbed your twin. You expect them to throw you a dose of pepcid or something, and then, bam, shocker, you've actually got your sibling in there. That's got to be really weird. The girl made a full recovery once her twin was removed from her.
My sister was bad, so I ate her.
As a twin myself, I find this story doubly disturbing (pun 100% intended). The doctors found an embryo for her twin that she had absorbed way back in the womb. It was a 1 in 500,000 chance of that happening to anyone. Imagine going 9 years of your life before anyone knows that you absorbed your twin. You expect them to throw you a dose of pepcid or something, and then, bam, shocker, you've actually got your sibling in there. That's got to be really weird. The girl made a full recovery once her twin was removed from her.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
More Fake Money, More Real Problems
A man in Fort Worth had a brilliant plan to get money from the bank. Forge a check that "came from his girlfriend's mother," then cash it to start his own record business. There were a few flaws in his plan. One, the check was not made out to him. Two, the check was made out for 360 billion dollars.
If I had 360 billion dollars...
360 billion!?!? Almost more interesting is that the check wasn't even made out to him. The owner had no knowledge of writing said check or the money. Did he just pick a random person's name to put in there? More likely, it was the pot they found on him doing the talking. Just look at that mugshot. Doesn't look quite all there. Maybe I would have started at about 1 million, 5 million, heck, even 1 billion. 360 billion? That is a bold move. I gotta hand it to him for that kind of boldness. Unfortunately, the police don't applaud fiendish plots of forgery, and he may find 360 billion reasons to wish he wasn't going to jail.
If I had 360 billion dollars...
360 billion!?!? Almost more interesting is that the check wasn't even made out to him. The owner had no knowledge of writing said check or the money. Did he just pick a random person's name to put in there? More likely, it was the pot they found on him doing the talking. Just look at that mugshot. Doesn't look quite all there. Maybe I would have started at about 1 million, 5 million, heck, even 1 billion. 360 billion? That is a bold move. I gotta hand it to him for that kind of boldness. Unfortunately, the police don't applaud fiendish plots of forgery, and he may find 360 billion reasons to wish he wasn't going to jail.
Obvious Monkey: Scientists Prove Liquid Courage Exists
File under the science experiment that really didn't need to be funded.
Shocker! Alcohol can make you do things you wouldn't normally do!
Wait, so when you're drunk, you're liable to get more aggressive and/or do more stupid things that you wouldn't have the courage to do sober. What an entirely new revelation that we never would have come across without science!
Shocker! Alcohol can make you do things you wouldn't normally do!
Wait, so when you're drunk, you're liable to get more aggressive and/or do more stupid things that you wouldn't have the courage to do sober. What an entirely new revelation that we never would have come across without science!
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