After School "Special"

It's not everyday that you come across a pimp who is thinking. He was wondering a good way to make extra money on the side. Hmm, what's a good way to pull off extra money on the side. Oh, I know, lower your rates and target high school kids.

You don't learn these lessons in geometry class

What looked like an innocent ping pong place was actually a high school targeting brothel. A regular ping pong establishment? This seems like a stretch already to me. I live in new york, and I've never been invited to a ping pong establishment. Fact #2. Was no one suspicious from the get go about a place named, "Robo-Pong Training Center." What? It sounds like it's an old nintendo game from 1989. I mean, it's less obvious than, "Ping Pong Pleasure Palace," but it might as well be. How many parents were not at all suspicious of their children saying they were going to be home a little late, cause they'll be training their mad pong skills at the Robo-Pong Training Center. Also, I don't care how low the rates were. Where do these kids get the money? I was having trouble buying myself a twix bar after work let alone paying someone to show me how to work the ping pong paddle. How low was the pricing? Here's a good quote from the police officer:

"It was obvious that they were targeting young students, because the prices were so low," said one disgusted police official, adding, "Most brothels charge at least $100."

Disgusted police officer, eh? I don't know, he seems to know the going rate for a regular brothel. Suspicious....

Alien Conspiracy

Someone call Mulder and Scully. It would appear that the insanity of the alien meteor has been blown out of proportion.

Wait, so there's no aliens?


Apparently, people weren't getting sick from the meteor at all. It was all a deep rooted psychosis. I think it sounds more like they're getting desperate for a reason. I'd like to speak with these so called social anthropologists. I find this whole thing more than a little suspicious. It screams out area 51 to me. I still stand to my original inkling that the alien virus has been released to the populace. Everyone run and hide! Who knows where the next tainted meteor will land! This is the stuff movies are made of here. Uh oh, we've been infected with something from outer space...oh wait, no it's just the ground, no wait..people are crazy and nothing really happened. It's getting weirder by the minute.

Oregon's Awesome Week

I've found two particularly odd things this week that have both happened to take place in the great state of Oregon. I've got no ill will towards Oregon, it's just happened to make some interesting decisions with the law of late.

First there was the family forced to change their license plates, cause it was a discriminating work.

I'm sorry, you can't say your name around these parts

Now, I'm not familiar with the word being offensive, so I won't doubt that, however, the interesting part is that it's actually their name on the license plate. So, while adding a U to the front can be interpreted as "You," it's also just a plain old last name to this family. The woman says in addition to it being a slur, it's also a sexual reference. What kind of sex are they having in Oregon? Last I checked, it wasn't a particularly hot choice of words to say you were going to go dink someone. In fact, I think telling someone you want to dink them, actually makes you less sexy or sleazy for that matter.

Also, it was a tough day for a hero who gave his life for the police. A monument devoted to a dog that died in the line of duty was removed. What better way to remember a dog, then with his very own fire hydrant.

When you gotta go, you gotta go

I think my favorite part about this story is the headline.

"Fire hydrant removed to protect patriotism"

Really? I mean, aren't we taking this a little far? The idea was to honor this dog, and not an intentional disrespect to the flag. She goes on to point out how the poor, little dog is turning in his grave at the mere thought that someone might be disrespecting the flag. I'm thinking if that police dog were alive today, he'd probably just be thinking about how much he was relieved to find a place to pee. Maybe dogs are a secret threat to freedom, that we just haven't considered yet...

Jack Hanna and a Flamingo Walk Into an Airport and...

The headline alone on this story sounds like the setup to a joke.

I swear. The flamingo and I were just talking...

That's what you get for trying to cram a flamingo crate through a turnstyle, my friend. It's a good thing that he's famous for all his late night talk show animal appearances. Otherwise, people might think, "Oh great, another psycho with a flamingo." I wonder how airport security reacts to a threat like that. What if it had gotten loose? The swat team chasing after it, the flight delays. All those poor business people that had to call home and say they were delayed for a wild flamingo. The insanity...Oh, the insanity.

I Like My Legs Well Done

A man in North Carolina went to buy himself a brand new bbq smoker from an auction the other day. There's no better place to make a purchase than items that were so useful, they've been abandoned by their owners. Clearly, there was not an intense search done of these abandoned items that were up for auction, cause when he opened it up back home, there was a human leg in it.

Worst Purchase Ever. Full refund required.

Nothing says appetizing bbq goodness like finding a leg in there before dinner. The best part of it was that he was able to easily track down the owner of the missing limb's mother, and she filled in the story. She said he'd kept it for some type of "religious" reasons after it had been amputated in an accident. She also said that the family was very much against the reasoning. Somehow, I can't imagine why they would be. This doesn't sound like any bizarre crackpot religion at all. Noooo way. The man's own mother is quick to point out that she and the rest of the family is completely apart from his craziness. The story does have a happy ending though. The man is traveling to North Carolina to be reunited with his lost leg once again. It's so sweet. Sweet in that, why is this man such a freakshow kind of way. The moral of this tale is pretty simple. Make sure to check out anything you buy at a yard sale thoroughly. There might be a long lost body part in there that misses its owner.

More Crime Than a Barrel of Monkeys

Everyone knows that monkeys are fun. Who doesn't love a monkey? Things change when monkeys go bad. Some monkeys have fallen on hard times, and they've gone to the wrong side of the tracks.

Stick 'em up! This ain't a banana in your back!

If you watch the video as well, then it really enhances the story. These baboons have become the terror of South Africa. Bullying people, robbing homes. It's quite insane. Never in my life have I thought, what would i do if I ran into a wild pack of baboons in a dark alley, the answer is now quite clear. You run. You run fast and far. Those bad boys would be on you in about 2 seconds and running off with your wallet and the keys to your car, before joy riding all over town. I wonder if there's a baboon gang sign that they tag buildings with. I mean, this is seriously the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a while. These guys are on a rampage. Who is it to blame? Of course, it's the dirty tourists. Always feeding those baboons and not realizing that they're breaking down the monkeys' ability to find their own food. It's like those squirrels at the grand canyon that will practically pin you down and cut you until you surrender some food. You haven't felt fear until you've stared down the beady little eyes of a vicious squirrel. Back to the point at hand, these monkeys give other monkeys a bad name. I'm going to think twice next time I'm at the zoo, and a baboon reaches out in peace. I'll know deep down that he's got malice in his eyes, and he's probably trying to distract me while his baboon friends pick my pocket.

Hungry Like a Duck

I was thinking about writing about Eater X's victory over Crazy Legs Conti to become the burrito eating champion of the world, but then something else caught my eye. Those guys may have serious stomachs built for the riggers of professional eating, but I'm sure they've got more will power than this guy.

I'm so hungry I could eat a duck!

One of the guests at the illustrious Embassy Suites hotel was so overcome with hunger, that he just had to have some fresh duck tartar. How fresh? He took it right out of the lobby pool, and he pulled off the duck's head. Well, that makes sense. If you're dying of hunger, then why not just lunge for meatiest point of the duck...his head. He ripped off the duck's head. Disturbingly enough, it appears that it was with his bare hands. That is one guy who you don't want to meet in a dark alley. I do like that the news is quick to point out that he's a hotel guest. No self respecting Minnesotan would engage in such behavior. No way. It also adds that flair for the dramatic by saying that he attacked a "tame duck." It's not like he was going after one of those little known vicious vampire ducks that roam the Minnesota countryside. That bastard attacked one of the innocent ones. All he's done is weaken the good duck army, and leave them more vulnerable for attack!

Riding the Bull

You hear a lot of stories about annoying neighbors and the misery they cause people. I mean over the last few years alone, I've lived next to a retired lounge singer, a C list actor, loud babies, musicians, and even a functioning whorehouse, but never anything quite like this.

Hello Police? There's a bull in my yard. What should I do?

This guy got to watch a bull rip up his house. Not just any bull. His neighbor's escaped pet bull. I'm just trying to imagine my reaction if I got up and a bull was outside ripping down my fence and knocking the roof paneling off. I have a feeling it'd be panic and fear and clearly, I'm not alone. The poor guy called the Dept. of Agriculture for help, and they told him that he should just go find the bull's owner. Imagine the person on call that day. I bet he listened to that guy talk for about 30 seconds before thinking, "hell no. I'm not going over there and wrestling down a wild bull!" One of his other neighbors had to lure the bull away with a bag of grain. Now, there's a guy with some guts. He watches a bull wreak havoc on a house and yard and still goes out there with a bag of grain like the pied piper. Talk about a good samaritan. If I were the grain guy, then I'd make sure my neighbor never forgot that. "What's that? You don't like my garden gnome war scene that I've created? You think it's too violent? Guess what else is violent? A bull in your front yard. Yeah, I thought so."

The Biggest Loser

I know that sometimes people think that they just can't catch a break. Well, try being this horse.

If it first you don't succeed, then try try again 125 times.

I wonder what goes through that horse's mind every time he goes out there. If I had failed in something 125 times, I feel like my will would be so broken to try again. Especially in something like racing. Do the other horses make fun of him? "Quiet guys, here comes, Dona Chepa, don't talk about what the winners circle looks like." Obviously, it's different in horse years, but he's 9 years old too. Imagine how crippled a 9 year old human kid would be if he'd already amassed 125 losses. Next time he raced for that last cookie in the cookie jar, he'd probably start resorting to knifing other kids for some type of advantage. You hang in there, loser horse, I'm pulling for you!

Dude, Where's My Cocaine?

A guy in Seattle recently found himself calling in the police to help him find his lost stash of coke. That's certainly a bold move. Calling the cops to report that you've been trafficking drugs, and you lost them.

Would you believe it's 68 pounds of powdered sugar?

Why would someone turn themselves in to find lost drugs, you ask? It's cause the people he was working for would've done something much, much worse. It's like a bad movie. Apparently, the dangerous mob people really do exist. The kind of people that would leave you in a field in Canada with no thumbs to hitchhike home with, or force you to drink a glass of kool aid laced with antifreeze, or even replace your arm with a working tether ball, so you can be nothing but a fun game for kids to play with in a schoolyard. Basically, the worst kind of people.

The kicker? A boy scout found the drugs. A good, wholesome boyscout. Instead of deciding to become potentially the most rich and fun boyscout in the pack, he turned them over to the police. Good job, kid. You're not going to pay for college by earning a merit badge in marshmallow roasting.

Cow On The Run

We can file this in the, "there's something you don't see every day" category. The other day, a cow was discovered walking around in Queens, NY.

Moo York City

Somehow, I don't imagine that corralling a cow is part of the standard NYPD training. After all, it did take a 2 mile chase over an hour of time. Imagine walking down the streets of NYC, and having a cow suddenly amble on by with a bunch of officers chasing after her. I'm thinking this wasn't the most high speed chase that the cops have ever partaken in. "Damn, I lost that bovine around the last corner. It's too fast!" The other question that I have: Where did it come from? No one seems to know. There were no cows missing from any of the charming Queens slaughterhouses (there's slaughterhouses in Queens?). Did this cow migrate slowly from some midwest farm, traveling only at night, until the mooing rampage was brought to a grinding halt by the diligence of the NYPD? I don't even want to ponder what might have happened if this terror had been stopped. I can finally sleep soundly knowing that it's finally over.

Best Ways to Defend Yourself

There are plenty of effective ways to defend yourself. I think these two people are shining examples for what to do when your back is up against a wall.

Unarmed and Dangerous

In a battle over a woman, a man killed his nemesis only using his head! His head? An armless man bested a generic 2 armed man in mortal combat. Now, I don't care what you say, that guy is pretty hard core. Interestingly enough, he's a famous no armed man that use to do art with his feet. Also, he's the one the woman chose. I'm sure he must be about the most talented fully foot functioning person that anyone will ever meet.

This next woman was also fairly resourceful.

The subject is armed and dangerous. She's got a baby, and she knows how to use it.

Police entered this woman's home on suspicion of pot, and she threw the closest object she could at them. Her baby.
WEEEEEEEE! I'M FLYING!!!






Clearly, this was not the most formidable weapon at her disposal. Her brilliant defense to not get busted by the cops for being high and prove to them her sobriety was this. Nothing says, "I'm not wasted," like throwing a baby at someone. Lucky for her, she's bound to get a taste of her own medicine soon enough in prison. Except, instead of a baby, it'll be a 300 pound cellmate named, Bertha.

The Most or Least Useful Invention? You Decide

Today, we celebrate the 25th anniversary of the IM smiley face. 25 years ago today was supposedly the first time that anyone ever typed, ":-)" on a computer screen.

I've been in academia for how many years, and this is what I'll be remembered for?

I have to say, isn't this just a case of being there first? I mean, I'm sure this guy has and will go on to come up with many ideas more brilliant than creating a sideways smiling face. It's not like he was creative enough to be the one who created the winking face or the "I'm so cool and in my sunglasses" face. No, it's just the smiley face. Remember, next time you're chatting online and someone drops the "I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying" emoticon or the "You broke my heart" or even the "You look like a rooster" one. It all started with this one guy. The man who was brave enough to step up to the keyboard one day and lay his raw emotions out to the world in one giant, sappy smile.

The Aliens Have Landed!

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for these villagers, but the headline sounds ridiculous.

Maybe I shouldn't have drank that contaminated alien water

Scientists claim that maybe it had something more to do with the possible sulfur, etc inside the meteor, but I prefer to think of it as the first wave of attack. Let's pretend we're aliens for a minute. I'm thinking, hmm, I bet we could wear those humans down easily by making them do stupid things. Naturally, when a meteor hits, people run to the scene where they're overcome with the illness. I also like that someone had to decide that maybe they shouldn't drink the water that the flaming ball of gases from space landed in. I would think that decision would be pretty self explanatory. Then again, who am I kidding? I once ate a straw wrapper and a napkin just to prove a point to my friends. I'd probably be the jackass eating the giant sign that said, "Welcome Aliens!" cause of someone's challenge. Although, that further proves my point to any extra terrestrial readers. It's not hard to get people to do stupid things.

Flaming Feces of Fury

This is definitely a whole new level of global warming fears that I never imagined. It's not just the excessive heat that might kill us, but also the methane gases released from frozen extinct animal crap.

Those crazy mammoths forgot to flush again

Who would have thought that millions of years later we'd have to worry about the long term effects of prehistoric poop? Here I thought the only dangers that I might encounter would be what I went through on Saturday night. A crazy, homeless man ran at me, on the streets of New York, with a bag of fire like an angry villager trying to chase the frankenstein monster out of a castle. I evaded the plastic shopping bag's flaming pile of potential burning disaster, but was left curious. Why was this man carrying a bag of fire? Where was he going? Was it really one of those burning bags of crap like an old halloween prank? I bet he knew something that we didn't know. When the cities begin to fall in the wake of the newly released deadly gases, that one crazy man with his burning bag will still be there laughing maniacally and swinging that fire at whoever gets in his way.

Adding Some Excitement to Work

My friend sent me this link earlier, and I've decided that it is the best possible way to spend my hard earned paycheck. Not only is it useful, but you can escape any social encounter that you don't want to be in.

Your conversation bores me. Try and catch me!

This takes spinning around and rolling in your chair to a whole new level. Forget commuting to and from work and school, you can just ride the whole way from home to your desk. If you're really a daredevil, then you could not just work from home, but work from the street, while dodging through pedestrians. I think the best part about it is the ability to spice up conversation. What's that? I can't hear you giving me work, cause my chair is taking me away. You think walking downstairs is boring? Try bouncing your way down one step at a time on this baby. The possibilities are endless.

Animal Love and Acrobatics

It's a good day for interesting animal stories. I am always a sucker for a good monkey related item, but this actually crosses into the bizarre monkey love category.

Oh please don't take my bird away from me

This lost monkey has found comfort in the wings of a lost bird. Who doesn't find it heartwarming? What's that? You don't want mushy and happy animal stories? Well, try this on for size.

These cats are more talented than I am

Who doesn't enjoy watching cats juggle? Walk tightropes? Perform feats of acrobatics that make you feel bad about yourself? I think the most amusing thing is that at the bottom of this page, there's a bunch of ads about adopting cats, finding homes for cats, etc. I'm sure that they are all in favor of it, but it also kind of screams out that they love cats so much and they swear that there's nothing inhumane about making them perform for the masses, while wearing ties and climbing on clowns. Real clowns. You know, the more I think about this, the better it sounds. Sign me up for the cats doing backflips as they're juggled by clowns. I bet they bring the crowd to its knees!

Best Pick Up Method Ever

There have been a lot of tried and true methods to win girls over throughout the years. Some go with flowers, chocolates, fancy dinners, big romantic gestures or even just getting them drunk enough to want to make out with you. I will give this guy credit. He's thinking outside the box.

The least creepy way to win someone's heart

Now, let's take a minute to process this. He injected a woman with his own blood. HIS OWN BLOOD. Maybe I'm missing something, but actually stabbing a woman near the heart with a needle is probably not going to send her running into your arms. The police officer said this about his reasoning, "He thought that if he could not marry her, at least his blood can stay inside her body."

Aww, now isn't that sweet and not at all disturbing. This begs the question: Is he a poetic genius or a cracked out nut? Let's review his well thought out sentiments. Think of the romantic power his words and actions convey, and then imagine how nice he is to share with her any possible communicable diseases that he had in his blood, so they could suffer through them together.

Good try there, slick, but I'm going to have to label you as a grade A whackjob. Don't let the door hit you on the way into the Crazyville Town Hall.

Caffeinate The Children!

In case those schoolyard kids weren't jumpy enough. Starbucks has apparently decided to start paying attention to them too.

I like my kids extra hyper

When I was in grade school, the only thing I was going to see in the morning was a fresh glass of pulp free OJ, and then perhaps a frosty glass of milk in the evening. Just think of all that I missed out on then. Cheated of the joys of getting an iced coffee on my way to school. I could have started enjoying that thrill of when the ice goes just too much over the top that they need to use the fancy dome tops with extra space (or as I like to call it "living above the rim."). It's probably for the best. I mean consider the alternatives. If we keep children away from the coffee like alcohol, then a whole underground culture begins. You'd start having all the so called, "bad seeds," gather under the stair cases and sneak sips of a passion lemonade iced tea with 7 pumps of classic sugar sweetening, while they mock the nerds in the science labs that are savoring every sweet sip of venti chai latte with extra whip and a dash of cinnamon. The madness must be stopped before it begins. If I don't see every other kid this fall at the schoolyard replacing their traditional afternoon snacks with iced lemon loaf, then i think it may be too late to stop the downfall of society.

Mascot Results

Sadly, Mr. Met was bested by a mere couple hundred votes in the online fan voting at the mascot hall of fame. Hopefully, the powers that be are smart enough to give him a little extra to correct this gross miscalculation.

Mascot Hall of Fame

Does anyone else think mascots are a little strange? The whole idea of it is a little ridiculous and yet everyone buys into it. Who isn't pumped up when the mascots come running out?

Some people love mascots a little bit too much

I have just recently learned that there is a Mascot Hall of Fame. Here are a couple of their initial members, since it's 2005 creation:


Phillie Phanatic. Now, clearly this isn't the best looking mascot ever created, but he did warrant election into the first round ever. Strange? Yes. His stomach is uncomfortably loose, so he can periodically break into fits of thrusting and humping at the air while everything shakes in an odd manner. Attractive on a person? Not so much, but on a giant green monster? Who can get enough?







Now, the Phoenix Suns Gorilla, that's a mascot I can get behind. Besides his obvious advantage to being in the monkey family, he jumps through rings of fire. Rings of fire, people. I don't think I could slam dunk a basketball, without adding in the fear that when I land my whole body will be burning like I'd rolled in dry leaves and gotten too close to a fire. That's a monkey with some guts.






I think the mascot is definitely something that people secretly love, but don't talk about until someone else has admitted it first. People are so excited that in some stadiums they create many of them to fight for supremacy. At a Washington Nationals game, you could run into a few famous presidents. I'm sure that the descendants of George Washington were hoping that his historical legacy would end with a giant head version of him racing other presidents.

You go, Mr. President!

If you go to a Brooklyn Cyclones game, then you are treated to a racing ketchup, mustard and relish. I bet anyone who walked in there first said it was stupid, but then by their second visit, they were disappointed if they couldn't see any giant condiments racing for supremacy.

It's the same reason why people love going to disney world. Was it mean when Goofy crossed off my autograph from Mickey Mouse, and I had to go back and get a new one? Yes, but I sure didn't see it coming. Was that giant Winnie the Pooh who weirdly rubbed his nose on my neck when I was 12 years old, creepy? Yes, but I definitely did not see that coming. One might argue that it's part of the fun. What crazy thing will happen next with those giant wacky fursuited men and women.

In the spirit of it all, I say everyone heads over to the Mascot Hall of Fame site and puts in a vote for my favorite mascot, Mr. Met. How can you not love a guy with a giant baseball shaped head?



Yes, he's even available for weddings and ready to break it down with the best of them.









Here's to the Comic Monkey mascot making the cut by 2011!

Scientists Attempt to Cure Fun

This just in. Scientists are slowly discovering a way to remove everything fun that they possibly can in society. Here are some prime examples.

TV ruins children

Tasty popcorn butter causes cancer

I'm not sure what the fascination is for scientists to slowly discover that everything we love is bad for us. Gone are the good old days when I could just kick back with some artificial, buttery goodness and watch 6 hours of TV until my brain was too fried to concentrate on anything. Whatever happened to scientists discussing how to cure the ills of the world, instead of taking apart my childhood brick by brick. Next thing you know, pop rocks and soda will be proven to kill people as well. I remember the sheer joy that I felt for surviving that brief encounter. Was I playing with fire? Yes. Could I feel the danger? Yes. Did I like it? Damn right. What about all the kids who swallowed Optimus Prime's laser gun? I wonder if there's long term effects for that as well. Maybe ignorance is bliss, and we should devote more of our scientific studies to making the world in 2015 be like the future portrayed in Back to the Future 2. I can just dream about flying to work on my hover board and not be too scared to slather on extra fake butter next time I sit down for 8 consecutive hours of television. These guys are on the right track:

I want Spider-Man's powers

CM