Stop the Huffing Madness!

An 8 year old boy was suspended from his grade school for sniffing marker fumes off his jacket. Yes, marker fumes.

Destroy all the markers! Think of the children!

Now, it's possible that I do not have the best interests of the youth of our country in mind, but doesn't this seem a bit over the top? First of all, an 8 year old boy can barely tie his shoes yet (we weren't all super geniuses), let alone know he's dabbling in dangerous narcotics. Secondly, when did huffing marker fumes become dangerous to kids health?

Did the boy learn his lesson?

"It smelled good," Harris said. "They told me that's wrong."

Sounds effective to me. Despite, the doctor's assurance that it cannot get you high, the principal continued in his outrage:

"Principals make hundreds of decisions everyday based on our best judgment. And in that time, smelling that marker, I felt like, 'Wow, that's a very serious marker,'" Benisch said.

Despite the medical evidence, Benisch promised to draw an even clearer line on markers.

"We've purged every permanent marker there is in this building," he said.

What did markers ever do to this guy? Maybe he should worry about purging possible weapons or drugs or something that seems like it could pose a more dangerous threat to the kids. Sharpie markers? Somehow, I don't imagine it leads down a dark path to drug addiction and health problems, but again...what do i know?

Gnome Attack!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. It's coming. It's coming to get you! A whole panic stricken town is crippled. It's a GNOME!?!?

Attack of the sideways walking, pint sized gnome.

Seriously, a gnome?
This is the image that launched fear into the hearts of men, women and children in a South American town. Some kids managed to get footage of the gnome in action (See video on the link). Sure enough, it moves slowly, wears a pointy hat and walks sideways. What? It walks sideways? My favorite part about the video is that the kids are screaming in terror. They can't even film it for more than a couple brief seconds before the camera cuts off to screams. They said one of them had to go to the hospital because he was too scared. Maybe I missed out on some of the experience, but too afraid of what? It's a little gnome. It's like being scared of the cute little gnome on the travelocity commercials. Does he cast spells? The kids claim other town residents have also come forward. No one wants to leave their homes. Will the gnome be caught? Who ya gonna call?

Beware of Snake!

I don't even have to make up my own sentence to describe this link.  The actual headline does it enough justice:

Snake Eats Family Dog as Kids Watch

What the hell?  That story couldn't be worse unless the snake ate the kids afterwards.  The best part is the way the zookeeper decides to rub it in even more.  First he tells them that they can't remove the still being digested dog, because it could cause harm to the snake, and everyone knows that you don't do anything to that might hurt the poor snake who slithered into someone's house and inhaled the dog.  Then, he goes on to say, in a way that i read as smarmy, how they really should have just called him the other day when they saw the snake.  Although, I will say...who knew snakes measured themselves and stalked prey for days before eating.  I certainly didn't.  If I ever see a person sized snake (such as the one stalking J Lo and Eric Stoltz in Anaconda), riding on the subway next to me for a couple days, you can be damn sure that I'll call some zookeeper/superhero right away!

Today's Youth Loves Cougars

Well, looks like another study has been done that requires research almost as shady as the point they are trying to prove.  It turns out that a parent's fear of their child being seduced by an old person impersonating a kid are misplaced.  Turns out, kids just dig old people.

If it looks like a sketchy, old man and talks like a sketchy, old man....

Evidently, most sexual predators today just say how old they are and they they're out prowling for sex online.  Even more interesting is that kids are down with it.  Kids aren't being lured out under false pretenses, they are doing some premeditated cougar hunting.  It's sort of surprising, cause I thought that the world was full of the dirtballs that Chris Hansen snags on "To Catch a Predator,"  but it's really savvy kids optionally chasing after older dudes.  Now, I'm not one to pick at the scientific process, but let's have a look at the subjects.  It says the survey was done on a group of internet using 10 to 17 year olds.  They also were able to confirm that social networking sites like facebook and myspace don't put them in further danger.  Is it just me, or does this reek a little bit of kids just trying not to get in trouble for being online.  "Don't worry, Mom, no one's fooling me...I've got this old man wrapped around my finger."  If we accept all these studies as fact, then why limit any of the kids online activity.  They know what they're doing completely and can't be deceived.  Hmmm, this sounds like quite a dastardly hatched kid plot to be left alone.  Perhaps, they are all smarter than I gave them credit for after all....

Gotta Have That Applebees

This little kid in Colorado knew what he wanted to eat, and it was not on the menu of items that his mom could prepare for him. He wanted some of that classic Applebees goodness, and he wanted it bad. So, that led him to do what any 6 year old would do. He hopped in the car and hit the road.

Driving good in the neighborhood

The best part is not that a 6 year old tried to drive his family's car, just so he could have some Applebees, it's that he couldn't even get it out of reverse, and he ended up blacking out the whole neighborhood, when he hit a transformer. The big difference between that small Colorado town and if that were to happen in New York is that no one cared or pressed charges. One woman was even quoted as saying she totally understood cause she has 5 children of her own and how can you be expected to watch them at all times? I'm most in shock over it being an applebees. I mean, who doesn't love that quality family eating at a good price, but enough to steal Grandma's car and hightail it down there? He also confessed to the accident afterwards. The kid is 6, he's old enough to know better, and by know better, I mean he's old enough to know that he could at least try blaming it on someone else. I mean come on, 27 hours got blacked out. I would have at least put in a half hearted attempt to blame troublesome jimmy from next door. Next time he attempts vehicular robbery to eat a chain restaurant, I hope he's using his head more.

Caffeinate The Children!

In case those schoolyard kids weren't jumpy enough. Starbucks has apparently decided to start paying attention to them too.

I like my kids extra hyper

When I was in grade school, the only thing I was going to see in the morning was a fresh glass of pulp free OJ, and then perhaps a frosty glass of milk in the evening. Just think of all that I missed out on then. Cheated of the joys of getting an iced coffee on my way to school. I could have started enjoying that thrill of when the ice goes just too much over the top that they need to use the fancy dome tops with extra space (or as I like to call it "living above the rim."). It's probably for the best. I mean consider the alternatives. If we keep children away from the coffee like alcohol, then a whole underground culture begins. You'd start having all the so called, "bad seeds," gather under the stair cases and sneak sips of a passion lemonade iced tea with 7 pumps of classic sugar sweetening, while they mock the nerds in the science labs that are savoring every sweet sip of venti chai latte with extra whip and a dash of cinnamon. The madness must be stopped before it begins. If I don't see every other kid this fall at the schoolyard replacing their traditional afternoon snacks with iced lemon loaf, then i think it may be too late to stop the downfall of society.