Way Too Life Like..Er..Dead Like

Here's an example of what not to be for halloween:

Wait, I'm alive! I swear! I'm not a real zombie. What're you doing?

This guy fell asleep on the train ride back from a halloween party to his town in Germany. The other train riders, who according to the article are "not familiar with halloween,"so naturally, I'd think a zombie on my train was a real dead person. How out do you have to be to have people think you're really dead? I mean how much partying had he done? Although, to the credit of his fellow passengers, if his hands and face were all bloody, then I probably wouldn't want to touch him too much either. I do like that the assumption was, "Oh no, this poor guy have been brutally beaten within an inch of his life, and with his dying breath he was only able to reach the train." Even the police didn't get into the festivities and they made him take off his makeup before he could continue on. Keep this in mind during halloween night. Don't make your costume TOO realistic. Although, somehow I feel like this wouldn't have happened if the guy had dressed up like Darkwing Duck.

Dirty Dentistry

Talk about going out of your way for the patient.

Wait, those aren't your wisdom teeth?

I'm sure he's got a good reason. I mean...it's natural to prepare the mouth and jaw with some groping. Is this guy the sleaziest medical professional ever or is he some type of twisted genius? Feeling someone up in the name of good dentistry. I'm really not sure what type of jaw pains are fixed by some solid above the shirt heavy petting, but somehow, I've got faith that this guy will get to the bottom of it. That, or he may end up with an entirely different type of people looking for the solution to their newest clicking jaw problem and enjoying the exam way too much. It could be an entirely profitable side job of shady dentistry much like the pizza place with hidden strip club bar in the back that I stumbled upon a year or so ago. They served up a slice and then an illegal immigrant dancer on the side. There was also the building I lived in a few years ago that housed a brothel on the first floor. Nothing like coming home to oddly desperate looking men prowling your hallways. When the police busted it, the NY Post reported that it was turning 3 million dollars a year! Was it theoretically an illegal establishment? Yes. Was it a bit sketchy? Of course. However, I bet they were all doing more profitable business than I ever will. It's a dirty world out there, and we just live in it.

Not Sleeping with the Fishes

Mobsters all over the world are going to need a new expression pretty soon. You think that you have problems sleeping at night? Perhaps you should just head over to the fish tank and commiserate with your little swimming pal.

Could you keep it down out there? It's hard enough to sleep in this glowing tank of water you keep me in!

Let's analyze this for a minute. As an expert on having insomnia myself, it's really annoying to be tired and clunky the next day. However, the fish isn't stumbling through his work day. He needs to be extra alert to...what's that? Right, swim around in a circle. Oh, you're too tired to sleep? Well, stop swimming around in a circle all day and getting re-energized. His whole life is just confined to this couple foot area glass container. I'd probably be pretty depressed too and unable to sleep. At least Nemo got to have a wild deep sea adventure with Rosie O'Donnell to add the much needed jolt of excitement to his life forever. Poor little zebrafish. Trapped forever in a sleepless tank full of nothing but doldrums and occasionally sprinkled fish food.

Almost Winning Everything

I was thinking today, as I dropped another few dollars at McDonalds hoping to win the cool million dollars in monopoly, how easy it is to keep people coming back for such a simple little scam..er..i mean game. Here I was with many a lunch option, but sure enough the mere sight of that monopoly board sucked me in. What's the result? I almost won again. I've got 2 of just about everything, and i'm one piece away from a mountain of prizes. Aren't we always almost winning in contests? You know, if I play one more time, then I'm sure to get boardwalk and that million dollars, right? Almost winning these promotions is like almost running a marathon when you take the bus to the end after 2 miles. Ever notice how all the people they have in their "winners" videos are either old an retired or in a wheelchair. They all seem to be these inspiring stories of hope and not a single person who is just pumped for some big cash. I'd make a massive argument for the moral high ground of fighting the man and not playing the game, but I can't. I think i'm only one or two more angus third pounders away from my million dollar success story. I'll see you at the counter!

Pepsi Gets Desperate

There's been lots of epic battles throughout history, but perhaps none quite as undecided and enduring through time as Coke vs Pepsi.

Try this Pepsi Challenge on for size!

Two delivery guys at a walmart came to blows after dropping off their shipment of pepsi and coke, respectively. The moment everyone was waiting for. A drop down brawl over soda supremacy. The article claims to not know the origins of the brawl, but I think everyone knows the truth. It definitely started with Pepsi Man being a bully. Sure, pepsi may have powerful spokespeople like P Diddy, Jessica Simpson and I believe, even Carson Daly back when people remembered who he was, but it sounds to me like pepsi is just a bully. The poor Coke Man was minding his own business, then BAM! No doubt, pepsi had yelled something disparaging about his mother, as he did so. Coke reached up to defend itself, but was just blindsided by a barrage of fists. Is that what pepsi really stands for? Unprovoked attack? Next time you see a pepsi display case, I say knock it down! Coke lovers of the world unite! Let's stop this vile criminal element before it tries to spread its seed to the world's children too. It used to be only diet pepsi that got this reaction out of me, cause it tastes like old dishwater, but now, I say we must rise up and stop the entire evil pepsi empire!

Gotta Have That Applebees

This little kid in Colorado knew what he wanted to eat, and it was not on the menu of items that his mom could prepare for him. He wanted some of that classic Applebees goodness, and he wanted it bad. So, that led him to do what any 6 year old would do. He hopped in the car and hit the road.

Driving good in the neighborhood

The best part is not that a 6 year old tried to drive his family's car, just so he could have some Applebees, it's that he couldn't even get it out of reverse, and he ended up blacking out the whole neighborhood, when he hit a transformer. The big difference between that small Colorado town and if that were to happen in New York is that no one cared or pressed charges. One woman was even quoted as saying she totally understood cause she has 5 children of her own and how can you be expected to watch them at all times? I'm most in shock over it being an applebees. I mean, who doesn't love that quality family eating at a good price, but enough to steal Grandma's car and hightail it down there? He also confessed to the accident afterwards. The kid is 6, he's old enough to know better, and by know better, I mean he's old enough to know that he could at least try blaming it on someone else. I mean come on, 27 hours got blacked out. I would have at least put in a half hearted attempt to blame troublesome jimmy from next door. Next time he attempts vehicular robbery to eat a chain restaurant, I hope he's using his head more.

Real Men Beat Birds

Nobody likes to be made a fool of. Especially really excessively prideful men.

I'm manlier than this bird!

2 guys got attacked by an ostrich named, Gaylord, when they broke onto an ostrich ranch in a drunken stupor. What else could their female companions do but laugh? I mean, who doesn't think 2 guys getting kicked by an ostrich is hilarious? I hope they flew back in a cartoony like fashion. Well, these two resourceful young men did what anyone else would do. They went and taught that bird a lesson, and killed him with a rifle and a shotgun. Wait a minute...they what? That is the ultimate form of intelligence and self esteem right there. Gunning down a random ostrich. It's a shame he didn't kick them in the face. Clearly, these aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. They definitely get the giant tool of the year award. If you ever look stupid, then you just kill the thing that embarrassed you. Logic that cannot be argued. I'm sure they thought the same thing after walking into signs or falling to the ground and trying to shoot the inanimate objects. Guess what else looks stupid? Shooting an ostrich.

Elephants Are Just Big Sissies

Pretty soon no one will be scared of an incoming elephant stampede. Gone will be the days where you were scared to stroll around the street, lest you become the victim of the deafening sound of an elephant as it tramples over your car. It turns after all, that elephants are just as wimpy as we are.

Don't sting me! Please! Ow! Not on the trunk!

Elephants are scared of bees. When I was a kid, I stepped on a bees' nest once that had fallen from a tree. Somewhere between the running in terror, screaming in pain, and wondering if I would suffer the same fate as Macaulay Culkin in, "My Girl," a bee fear was born. However, I was also a much shorter, skinny, young child. Apparently, young me was braver than an elephant. Elephants may be scared off just by the buzzing sounds, and yet I stepped headlong into that nest (by accident, yes), and those warning buzzes didn't frighten me. Bring it on Grown Up Dumbos. I'm not afraid of you! What's that? Buzzzzzz. Yeah, you want more of that? Buzzzzz

Too Hot to Handle

Yesterday was the 30th Chicago marathon. As a former cross country runner for all my middle and high school days years back, I have always been tempted to attempt running it, and every time it comes time for trying to register for New York, something stops me. Even after I learned in a health class that the human body isn't built to run more than approximately 20 miles. That little voice still said, "You go run that marathon and torture yourself!" One of my friends ran it a couple years ago, and that was another waste of inspiration. However, periodically, fate intervenes and reminds me that I've made the right choice.

Mother Nature Strikes at Long Distance Runners

In what's really a terrible story, the heat was so bad that they had to stop the Chicago marathon after 3.5 hours. One man even died from it. If there's one thing I could imagine that's worse than running 26.2 miles, it's running 26.2 miles in lots of heat. I don't even like walking to the corner store in crazy heat, let alone partaking in strenuous physical activity. I remember recently in Boston, they wouldn't cancel the marathon, despite excessively dangerous muddy conditions. They even told runners to bring an extra pair of shoes or clothes. I know that I've always felt that distance running is much easier when you have a pair of shoes and change of clothes dangling around your neck, just in case. You know what would have also been smart? Canceling the event. Kudos to Chicago for cutting off the crazy.

Twisted Genius

Do you love New York and all the other nonstop VH1 reality shows? It must take a crackpot team of hundreds to crack into the stratosphere of entertainment.

We are the two luckiest guys in the world

Now, clearly as a writer, there is an inherent frustration with the world of reality tv, so I sat down to write a scathing review about how ridiculous it is that these two guys have probably made millions off the fast produced reality show genre. However, a funny thing happened on the way to my rants and raves. Wait, give me a second to power through the painful realization....I am actually oddly drawn to some of these shows. There's something oddly addicting about them. It can be like a form of television crack. I'll be lying around on a saturday afternoon, then next thing I know, I've clocked 5 hours of watching Bret Michaels scour through candidates before finding "the one to rock with." It's so addicting that you're not even put off by the fact that these guys' reality shows have already given us 4 different "true love" relationships for Flava Flav. So, go forth and create young reality show geniuses. No doubt viewers will continue to watch and pretend that they don't to the general public.

The Subway Seat Takeback

I witnessed a very interesting interaction on my commute home yesterday. It was a crowded subway during the evening rush hour, and one seat opened up. A younger guy offered this older woman the seat, and she declined it, so he sat down. A few minutes later, the train was moving painfully slow, so she looked over to him and said, "you know what? I changed my mind, and I'd like the seat now." He laughed at the comment politely thinking it a bad joke in the course of subway small talk. The woman wasn't kidding. She now wanted to sit down.

An interesting dilemma to be raised. As she would bring up, he did offer her the seat, wasn't it still hers to be claimed? He said something about how his back hurts, so he didn't want to stand once he was sitting already and apologized. Now, yes, I felt bad for this woman who had to stand with the rest of us during the slowest ride ever, but is there really a precedent for a subway seat takeback? If I offer you a bite of my pizza, and you refuse, then I finish it and you change your mind, I'm not about to regurgitate you a section to enjoy. I can't ask the cashier at the drug store for my $5 back because you decided later on that you actually did want to buy a copy of the new US Weekly.

Can someone request that a kind gesture be upheld minutes after the fact? I'm going to have to vote no. I'm also going to have to vote that the guy should have done the classic, "pretend you're sleeping so that you don't feel guilty seeing people who are older, more injured or more pregnant than you wishing they had your seat" move. You snooze you lose, old timer.

Even Mr. Potato Head Deserves a Good Time

Remember Mr. Potato Head? He always seemed like such a fun loving guy. He was constantly keeping things interesting. If he ever got upset, then he could just pop open his back and change his mood or his hat. Imagine being able to carry around all the necessities of life right within your body. A smiley face, a pair of funny glasses, a smaller nose or 10.5 ounces of ecstacy.

Mr. Potato Head has become a drug mule!

I bet someone had to put a sad look on his face once he got busted. I hope he has a good lawyer, and isnt going to do some serious time. I don't think he's quite built for the wilds of prison. Imagine Mr. Potato Head leading a gang of rogues in the cafeteria. They'd have to do a full search on his in body compartments, just to make sure he doesn't slowly burrow his way to freedom like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. I hope this small setback puts him on the straight and narrow. I also hope that the authorities thoroughly cleaned out the drugs before he was donated to some kid that will soon be cruising the playground really enjoying the swing set.

Men Demand Cuddling

File this in the "wouldn't see that one coming" category.

I just want someone to hold me!

According to "scientists," men apparently sleep better when there is a woman in the bed, and women do not. Well, this certainly spits in the face of the theory that men are insensitive when they are anti cuddling for the night. They're really just doing a service. That's right, a nice service to the women who don't realize that they won't be able to sleep at night otherwise. Maybe the article says it's the snoring, but if you read between the lines, this was clearly a study done by some crafty guy to escape a long night of playing big spoon. Kind of like this one:

Oh, you have a headache? I swear, it's good for you

That is science research money at its best. People give scientists a bad rap for social skills. Look at that, using their own scientific research, they're working around some of the big male complaints. No wonder Bill Nye and Mr Wizard always looked so happy.

High School Says No Hugging Before Marriage

Sometimes protecting the innocent youth of our country goes a bit too far.

Don't you dare hold that kid's hand!

This school in Keller, Texas has decided to ban all touching what so ever. When I say touching, I don't only mean the kind of touching that will lead to teachers doing some time in jail and being a fun story for people to watch on the news. When it comes to contact with another kid, nothing goes. No hugging, no hand holding, no PDA. That'll teach those kids some good moral fiber. Take more away from them. Sure, no one will want to rebel and increase their levels of touching tenfold. I'm sure taking away the opportunity to even hold someone's hand will stop any teenager from even thinking about sex. That's exactly how the mind works. What's the principle's reasoning behind the decision?

"I think it's kind of like if you let the camel put his head in the tent, next thing you know, the camel's going to be inside the tent."

Oh, now I get it. That clears everything up and really puts some much needed credibility behind the logic. The camel in the tent? Now, I may be from the northeast, but are camels even native to texas? I don't know, but that may be my new favorite analogy for sexual innuendo. What hope does society have if we can't get those kids today to keep their camels out of girls' tents?

Town Ordered to Stop Doing It Like Bunnies

One town in Wyoming has decided that they need to start legislating the way rabbits are handled. Yes, apparently there are just so many bunnies in that place, that people are only allowed two.

Those rascally rabbits

I didn't realize rabbits were such common house pets. Apparently, it's so common that the citizens are in an uproar. It's also so bad that people aren't sure limiting the amount of bunnies per household will be enough. Are they kidding? Powell, Wyoming must be either the most boring town with no crime to deal with or the bunny capital of the world. My favorite part is when the police chief refers to rabbits as "a reproductive wonder of the world." You tell 'em chief. What's that? Someone's getting robbed down on main street? Don't worry, the police chief will help solve the case, once he's finished helping to regulate the much more serious problem of inevitable bunny domination of Wyoming.