Friday, February 26, 2010

Help Me Admiral Ackbar, You're Our Only Hope

In further proof that nerds are attempting to stake a claim on everything in the world today, they have made a move to sports. In the past, mixing sports and nerds was like oil and water. However, now they have united to support a common goal: Elect Admiral Ackbar, leader of the Star Wars Rebel Alliance forces, as the new Ole Miss Rebels mascot.

May the Force be with the school's sports teams

No word yet on if the campaign will attract the ever important ewok vote.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Healthiest Snack Ever

Looking for something healthy that won't rot your teeth at all? This isn't it:

Dentist's Worst Nightmare

Imagine how many days it would take to gnaw through that bad boy. This gummy bear weighs 5lbs and is over 12,000 calories. Most frightening of all is that it has a shelf life of a year. I make it a rule to not eat any giant gelatinous food that's covered in dust, but still just as good to eat as the day you brought it home!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Video Monkey: Get Us Out of This Computer!

These poor monkeys are trapped in your computer. Help them!

Friday, November 20, 2009

All the College Kids are Doing It

Who hasn't spent a night drunk, tired and naked with their ex because of a rousing game of strip yahtzee? Yeah, that's right. Strip Yahtzee. It's sweeping the nation. Don't be the last to join in!

I didn't mean to cheat on my boyfriend. I swear, I rolled 3 6's, so I had no choice!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Snakes on the Plains

Just when you thought it was safe to flush that pet snake down the toilet and tell your kid that it moved to a snake farm in Connecticut, the newest US Geological Survey has issued a warning that giant alien snakes may secure a foothold in North America. Yes, those are the exact words used by the US Geological Survey. "Giant, Alien Snakes." Apparently, the invasion will begin in the climate in Florida. Perfect plan for the snake attack. Pick off our older citizens who are weaker. With any luck, the elderly will rally like Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy did against those bullies in the 1987 classic, "Batteries Not Included." Be warned, America. The geologists have spoken!

Hey, who put this 20 foot python in my backyard?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Keep Your Tigers at Arm's Length

A man in Calgary was injured this week when he stuck his arm into a tiger pen. The real question is how this situation developed. Here's a hint, perhaps when the man stuck his arm into the range of a hungry tiger.

I thought maybe he would just shake my hand?

My Fish Could Kick Your Fish's Ass

For everyone who thinks that their fish are really boring, they need this fish training program. After the intensive training, your fish will kick goals like Pele or dunk like Jordan. Personally, I think this would just be a self esteem killer, when someone sees that their fish are in better shape than they are.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Elmo Goes Rogue

Ever get tired of being nice all the time? Elmo certainly does. He's finally snapped. In Times Square the other day, Rob Me Blind Elmo made his first appearance to the world.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Never Too Early for Breast Feeding

File this one under W-T-F.

Yes, that is what every young girl is thinking. puppies are cute. Glitter is Sparkly. Boys have cooties, and oh yeah, I wonder what it's like to breast feed a baby.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Day the Ants Took Over

It's finally happened. Be afraid, be very afraid. Ants have been subtly attempting to take over the world for years now, and we've played right into their hands. The Argentine Ant has now spread all over the US, Europe and Japan. Since these ants are all brethren, they refuse to fight one another. They're organized and ready to take to our fair lands, one picnic at a time! Pretty soon, we'll all have to mobilize our greatest defenses with exterminator bodyguards like John Goodman from Arachnophobia. It's the beginning of the end. The beginning of the end!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Even Monkeys Need Romance

Evidently, the key to a chimp's pants is through her stomach.  They really are just like us.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Nothing Like a Little Phone Sex for Breakfast

What goes best with cheerios in the morning?  Milk, a glass of juice, maybe some fruit and a phone with a sexy, breathy voice on the other end.  A cereal company in Oregon mistakenly put a phone sex line number on their boxes, instead of the regular cereal hotline.  This brings me to two thoughts:  First, I clearly am eating the wrong cereal every day; Second, how many people actually call cereal hot lines?  What kind of cereal emergencies are that pressing?  These flakes are not frosted enough!  We're going to need some frosting at my house. Stat!

Video Monkey: Celebrity Babies - Monkey Edition

There's something about this video that amuses me.  Is it the odd disney cartoon like soundtrack?  Is it the fact that the monkey is apparently harrassed by more paparazzi than Britney Spears?  Seriously.  Why are they all coming after that baby?  You'd think he was just adopted into the Brangelina family.  Leave the little leaf monkey alone!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Most Ungrateful Son in Law

In a scene that sounds much more like an encounter between Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner, a Bosnian man recently was imprisoned for trying to kill his mother in law.....with an anti tank missile.  She was fine afterwards, so he tried again later......with a machine gun.  WTF is going on in this crazy dude's mind?  Also, why does he seem to have access to weapons like he's playing a video game?  The real kicker is that the mother in law of steel survived both attacks, with barely a scratch on her.

Resourceful Drunk

This drunk ohio guy is way more resourceful than most drunks.  He built his own bar stool transportation to get too and from the bar.  I wonder if he just parked his vehicle at the bar, when he'd go drinking.  Is it still drunk driving, if you technically never leave your stool?  My favorite was his plea of not guilty, despite the fact that his response to police over how much he drank was, "a lot."

Monday, March 30, 2009

I Knew All That Duck Hunt Was Good For Something...

Looks like Scientists have finally confirmed what I would often tell my mom when I was 7.  Video games are good for you.  Not just any video games, the shoot 'em up violent action games.  So, next time you decide to pick up a book, think twice.  What does that do for your hand eye coordination and fine contrast differences perception?  That's right...nothing.  Put down that book, and pick up a video game controller instead.  Suck it, reading!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sham Pow

Before I used to think of Vince, the sleazy guy from the Sham Wow and Slap Chop ads, as just that weird infomercial dude that wears a pointless microphone headset and looks like Moe from the Simpsons,  but now, he is so so so much more.  He's become Vince, the sleazy guy who likes to beat up prostitutes.  A real step up.  Stay classy, Vince.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Supernatural High School Problems

Here I thought things were bad when I was in high school, but at a school in Boston, they have to deal with more than just your average bully.  It's not lunch money those bad ass kids are looking for, it's blood.  The school administrator claims there's no truth to the claim that vampires are terrorizing the local kids, but the truth is out there.  In other news, the Easter Bunny has become the star of the soccer team, and Santa Claus brought in the most delicious cupcakes for homeroom.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Recession: Bad for Big Business, Good For Strippers

A strip club in Rhode Island is hosting a job fair this weekend.  Despite the horrible unemployment in Rhode Island right now, the strip clubs are apparently thriving more than ever.  It gives credence to the theory that when you fall on hard times, there's nothing better than a stripper falling into your lap.

The Subway Gloves

Ever notice that the people at subway never change the plastic gloves between sandwiches?  Doesn't that sort of erase the sanitary nature of the whole thing?  Not just that, but I then saw the guy change the radio station and open and close the front door in the same gloves.  It's like if a surgeon operated on someone before you without changing it around.  You might end up with part of someone else's intestine in you instead of just a stray sweet pepper that you didn't ask for on a meatball sub.  Someone should investigate this...

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