John, Paul, George, Ringo and You

Looks like The Beatles are finally going digital. Now, you can horrify your friends and family with your terribly butchered versions of Beatles classics. That sounds like fun for everyone.

I wonder if I have to buy new rock band instruments for this?

I don't hate you, but my brain does

Scientists have now discovered the hate part of the brain. So, now if you're ever in trouble and do something stupid, you can always blame the hate circuits. "Oh no, I think I had a misfire in my hate circuits, you honor. Damn that putamen and insula!"

My brain hates you SO much!

Russia Loves Jessica Simpson

Yeah, it's true. A movie so bad that it wasn't even released in America has rocked to the top of the charts in Russia. Sounds like Jessica Simpson has a chance to do for Russia what Hasslehoff did to Germany, and by that I mean be incredibly awesome far, far away from the people who know and love her and feel too bad to tell her that she can't act.

Russia's Sweetheart

There's Hope for Everyone

For all those lonely people out there, don't worry. It's not hopeless. The world's fattest man got married over the weekend. A man so large, that he hasn't left his bed in 6 years. I guess all you need is love. Love and a bed that can support 2 people and nearly 1400lbs of weight.

Lots to Love

Death the Way You Want It

A NC man won the blue ribbon at the state fair for making his own coffin. He's also writing his own eulogy and had arranged for his pallbearers already. In addition, he's insuring that his loved ones will be so bored of his funeral by the time it happens, that they'll fast forward through it like DVR on a commercial break.

Waaaay too much free time on his hands in life.

Stop that Grandma!

A sweet, old lady in NY was arrested for the 73rd time in 37 years with a new grand larceny charge. She's just like your average grandma though, you know, baking cookies, spoiling the grandkids, playing a round of bingo and stuffing her bra full of stolen wallets.

It wasn't me! It was the on armed man!

I'm sorry Officer, but look how clean my hands are!

In what will either be described as the weirdest defense ever, or a brilliant stroke of genius, Rep. Vito Fossella of NY is going to plead that his blood alcohol level was too high, cause he's been using too much Purell. Really? Hand sanitizer? That's the best they could come up with? In other news, I was pulled over because I accidentally swallowed too much Listerine this morning, when I was getting ready for work.

Dude, forget shots, just slap on some of that sweet hand sanitizer

Saw 5: Too Scary for Canada

Apparently, the Saw movie promotion included a site where you could include crank calls from horror movie icons or just the movie's main bad guy. Unfortunately, before I could use it to scare all my loved ones into despising me, it scared away Canada. There were a lot of calls to police operators for help from the various messages. Voicemails too authentic or Canada too wimpy? You be the judge.

Help, eh! There's some aboot in the house!

Tweet Tweet

I've recently begun using twitter. I couldn't quite tell you if I love it or not, but much like facebook, it becomes oddly addicting for no apparent reason. I still can't get used to referring to posts as tweets though. What the heck is that?

Follow me on Twitter

Aliens have arrived....and we're shooting at them.

Much like Will Smith in Independence Day, this intrepid pilot stared down a UFO with all the guts he had, and he fired a full barrage of missiles. He's been sitting on this secret for 51 years. Why come forward now? He had to admit that 51 years ago, he was ordered to shoot down.....nothing. He saw a large blip on his radar, but no actual UFO. Thanks for the alien update, pal. Although, good to know that if an alien arrived, the American government instantly orders a 24 missile welcome wagon. I guess diplomacy is dead. What would Captain Kirk do?

Rest in pieces alien scum!

Yeti Attack

Here we go again. Just months after 2 guys "found" Big Foot. Now, the poor Yeti is being dragged back into the public eye. Can't we just let the mythical creatures rest in peace?

Here Yeti, Yeti, Yeti....

Rush Hour Monkey

Imagine your regular commute. Pushing through crowds, climbing down those stairs to the crowded subway platform. How boring. How uneventful. This commute could use a freaking monkey. That's what happened in Japan yesterday. A rogue monkey got loose in the subway station.

Monkey Express

Check out the included video. That monkey moved fast. Not only did he evade all those police nets in the station, he escaped and is considered, STILL AT LARGE. Rest easy citizens. That monkey still prowls the streets. Crime is not safe.

Fish Run For Freedom

Yes, it's true. The fish are now walking among us. No one is safe! The fish have stepped forth from their watery habitat and are high tailing it to freedom. Have they grown feet, you ask? Oh no. Apparently, these Florida catfish are pulling themselves along by their powerful pectoral muscles. I guess this answers one of the age old questions. Yes, fish are stronger than me.

Monkey Jail Break!

This story is to anyone who thinks the zoo is inhumane.  A group of monkeys with adventure on their minds decided to take matters into their own hands.

One more mile to freedom!

All 19 of the monkeys in a new habitat at a Florida zoo managed to hop off the island and swim to safety.  Not only did they pull off the death defying swim, but apparently, they're not supposed to be able to do that.  Don't panic, according to the officials, these monkeys are not a danger to people.  Hear that?  NOT a danger.  Of course, they're not supposed to be able to swim out of their island habitat either, pal.  What's next?  Citizens held up at gunpoint by a monkey mugger?  Frankly, even as a fervent defender of our monkey brethren, I'd be a bit concerned by these freak, evolving monkeys before they swim to the next location and terrorize the eastern seaboard like a mob of pirates!

More Fun Than a Barrel of 100 Monkeys

Well, this is it. The 100th post of Comic Monkey. I thought it best to post a heartwarming story about love and affection in the land of what else...monkeys.

No matter where you go, I will find you!

2 monkeys on the run. On the run to find each other. It's a monkey love so strong, that we dare not speak its name. One, Bruno, the male orangutan in a Los Angeles zoo, punched through his mesh trappings and escaped. Bruno could not be deterred on his quest to reunite with, Luna Bella, the female orangutan that escaped at about the same time from a zoo in Tampa. Unfortunately, before a cross country trip across the country to find his young lover, Bruno was caught up in a different holding area at the zoo and recovered. This left all of the work in Bella's court. How would her quest work out in the end? Bella found herself faced with the ultimate choice. Running towards a monkey rendez vous, or the apples, carrots and ice cream being offered by the trainers. In the end, the food won, and she returned to her pen without trouble. Incidently, this worked out pretty well for Bruno, because he's 29 and she's only 10, so he was going to be looking at getting handed a hard 10 to 20 years of monkey justice if he'd found her.

Craigs List Monkey

Some ads on Craigs List will help you buy a new couch, or scalp tickets to an event, however, some are just plain weird. So, if there's anyone out there unsure of what to do this summer, here's the job for you. Throw knives at children for $8 an hour.

Assistant Knife Throwing Instructor (South Austin)

---

Reply to: job-683035591@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-16, 11:10AM CDT


South Austin Karate is looking for summer help/full time. If you love working with children, please call 512-xxx-xxxx. Criminal background check is required. Will Train.

• Location: South Austin
• Compensation: $8.00/hour
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Phone calls about this job are ok.
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 683035591

Taser Duel in the Parking Lot at High Noon

This is 2008. Who marches out on an empty street and fires off in a quick draw against a hated opponent? Oh, the modern day duels the likes of which would make Doc Holliday proud still exist, but today it's more of a shock than a shot. It's time for tasers at 30 paces!

Don't Tase Me Bro!

A restaurant owner and a security supervisor got into a dispute over a parking boot, which led to electric warfare. Yes, they both tased each other. Let's look at this objectively. How often do parking disputes go awry like this. Also, what in the world are the odds that both these men were carrying tasers. Alright, I'll give the security guard a little credit, but the restaurant owner? Does he tase the staff when they're not performing up to task? Too much paprika in that last dish! BZZZ! It's possible that he was worried about safety, since the security guards were putting boots on all the cars in his parking lot, so how does one escape from peril when the time comes? Press the gas, and end up with your car ripping apart or moving no where, and a burglar all kinds of amused at the easy pickings.

Either way, it seems like the kind of thing that would be more likely to happen in South Park, CO, than in Boulder. Way to represent everyone's god given right to tase in the face of danger.

When Animals Go Bad

Normally, I try to come up with some sort of witty twist on a strange news story headline, but I think this one speaks for itself:

Seal Caught on Tape Molesting a Penguin

Yes, that's how much the seals have fallen on hard times these days. They are attacking the poor, innocent penguins. Here's the two scientific analysis quotes by a noted mammal ecologist:

"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," de Bruyn recalled today via email.

So, one might argue that it was true love between the seal and penguin. Maybe the seal was just trying to woo the penguin with his casanova like skills with the ladies.

"The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled."

Oh wait, so maybe it wasn't even a female penguin. Does the varying biology of the two species affect it? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

Holy crap, 45 minutes? Damn, that is one persistent seal. Well, if at first you don't succeed. That poor little penguin is lucky he/she wasn't suffocating under that creature that was more than 200 pounds heavier. You would think the "king penguin" breed would be a bit larger than 30 pounds. Needless to say, I hope you're hanging in there penguin, and that you got together with your buddies and led a march of the penguins after that seal.

Twin Trouble

Ever have a pain in your stomach and wonder what you ate that set it off? A 9 year old girl in Greece did, and the answer was not quite what anyone suspected. Was it a bad piece of cheese? A tumor? No, it was her twin.

My sister was bad, so I ate her.

As a twin myself, I find this story doubly disturbing (pun 100% intended). The doctors found an embryo for her twin that she had absorbed way back in the womb. It was a 1 in 500,000 chance of that happening to anyone. Imagine going 9 years of your life before anyone knows that you absorbed your twin. You expect them to throw you a dose of pepcid or something, and then, bam, shocker, you've actually got your sibling in there. That's got to be really weird. The girl made a full recovery once her twin was removed from her.

More Fake Money, More Real Problems

A man in Fort Worth had a brilliant plan to get money from the bank. Forge a check that "came from his girlfriend's mother," then cash it to start his own record business. There were a few flaws in his plan. One, the check was not made out to him. Two, the check was made out for 360 billion dollars.

If I had 360 billion dollars...

360 billion!?!? Almost more interesting is that the check wasn't even made out to him. The owner had no knowledge of writing said check or the money. Did he just pick a random person's name to put in there? More likely, it was the pot they found on him doing the talking. Just look at that mugshot. Doesn't look quite all there. Maybe I would have started at about 1 million, 5 million, heck, even 1 billion. 360 billion? That is a bold move. I gotta hand it to him for that kind of boldness. Unfortunately, the police don't applaud fiendish plots of forgery, and he may find 360 billion reasons to wish he wasn't going to jail.