John, Paul, George, Ringo and You

Looks like The Beatles are finally going digital. Now, you can horrify your friends and family with your terribly butchered versions of Beatles classics. That sounds like fun for everyone.

I wonder if I have to buy new rock band instruments for this?

I don't hate you, but my brain does

Scientists have now discovered the hate part of the brain. So, now if you're ever in trouble and do something stupid, you can always blame the hate circuits. "Oh no, I think I had a misfire in my hate circuits, you honor. Damn that putamen and insula!"

My brain hates you SO much!

Russia Loves Jessica Simpson

Yeah, it's true. A movie so bad that it wasn't even released in America has rocked to the top of the charts in Russia. Sounds like Jessica Simpson has a chance to do for Russia what Hasslehoff did to Germany, and by that I mean be incredibly awesome far, far away from the people who know and love her and feel too bad to tell her that she can't act.

Russia's Sweetheart

There's Hope for Everyone

For all those lonely people out there, don't worry. It's not hopeless. The world's fattest man got married over the weekend. A man so large, that he hasn't left his bed in 6 years. I guess all you need is love. Love and a bed that can support 2 people and nearly 1400lbs of weight.

Lots to Love

Death the Way You Want It

A NC man won the blue ribbon at the state fair for making his own coffin. He's also writing his own eulogy and had arranged for his pallbearers already. In addition, he's insuring that his loved ones will be so bored of his funeral by the time it happens, that they'll fast forward through it like DVR on a commercial break.

Waaaay too much free time on his hands in life.

Stop that Grandma!

A sweet, old lady in NY was arrested for the 73rd time in 37 years with a new grand larceny charge. She's just like your average grandma though, you know, baking cookies, spoiling the grandkids, playing a round of bingo and stuffing her bra full of stolen wallets.

It wasn't me! It was the on armed man!

I'm sorry Officer, but look how clean my hands are!

In what will either be described as the weirdest defense ever, or a brilliant stroke of genius, Rep. Vito Fossella of NY is going to plead that his blood alcohol level was too high, cause he's been using too much Purell. Really? Hand sanitizer? That's the best they could come up with? In other news, I was pulled over because I accidentally swallowed too much Listerine this morning, when I was getting ready for work.

Dude, forget shots, just slap on some of that sweet hand sanitizer

Saw 5: Too Scary for Canada

Apparently, the Saw movie promotion included a site where you could include crank calls from horror movie icons or just the movie's main bad guy. Unfortunately, before I could use it to scare all my loved ones into despising me, it scared away Canada. There were a lot of calls to police operators for help from the various messages. Voicemails too authentic or Canada too wimpy? You be the judge.

Help, eh! There's some aboot in the house!

Tweet Tweet

I've recently begun using twitter. I couldn't quite tell you if I love it or not, but much like facebook, it becomes oddly addicting for no apparent reason. I still can't get used to referring to posts as tweets though. What the heck is that?

Follow me on Twitter

Aliens have arrived....and we're shooting at them.

Much like Will Smith in Independence Day, this intrepid pilot stared down a UFO with all the guts he had, and he fired a full barrage of missiles. He's been sitting on this secret for 51 years. Why come forward now? He had to admit that 51 years ago, he was ordered to shoot down.....nothing. He saw a large blip on his radar, but no actual UFO. Thanks for the alien update, pal. Although, good to know that if an alien arrived, the American government instantly orders a 24 missile welcome wagon. I guess diplomacy is dead. What would Captain Kirk do?

Rest in pieces alien scum!

Yeti Attack

Here we go again. Just months after 2 guys "found" Big Foot. Now, the poor Yeti is being dragged back into the public eye. Can't we just let the mythical creatures rest in peace?

Here Yeti, Yeti, Yeti....