Dude, Where's My Knife?

Everyone, at some point, has that night where you get really drunk and say or do something really stupid. Sometimes you pick a random fight with someone bigger than you, or you call that old ex that you know you shouldn't. In the case of this one man, he got himself stabbed. The best part? He didn't even remember.

Damn, my back is sore...what did I do last night?

A Russian man went out drinking after work one night, and when he got up the next morning, his wife noticed a knife handle sticking out of his back. His wife noticed it, IN THE MORNING. That means, he rode the bus back, slept and had breakfast, all the while, not noticing that he had a knife in his back! That guy must have really been hitting the hard stuff. I mean, even if you forget what's gone on from a night of being blackout wasted, he didn't feel the sharp object sticking in his flesh the next day. I'm impressed he was able to figure out his way home on the bus.

What about his drinking buddy? Deputy prosecutor, and avid Yoda impressionist, said this, "Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment."

In the end, our hero does not feel the need to press charges, and he bears no ill will to his attacker. In fact, he gives us this little piece of wisdom, "We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?"

Video Monkey: Monkeys Love Music

Stop the Huffing Madness!

An 8 year old boy was suspended from his grade school for sniffing marker fumes off his jacket. Yes, marker fumes.

Destroy all the markers! Think of the children!

Now, it's possible that I do not have the best interests of the youth of our country in mind, but doesn't this seem a bit over the top? First of all, an 8 year old boy can barely tie his shoes yet (we weren't all super geniuses), let alone know he's dabbling in dangerous narcotics. Secondly, when did huffing marker fumes become dangerous to kids health?

Did the boy learn his lesson?

"It smelled good," Harris said. "They told me that's wrong."

Sounds effective to me. Despite, the doctor's assurance that it cannot get you high, the principal continued in his outrage:

"Principals make hundreds of decisions everyday based on our best judgment. And in that time, smelling that marker, I felt like, 'Wow, that's a very serious marker,'" Benisch said.

Despite the medical evidence, Benisch promised to draw an even clearer line on markers.

"We've purged every permanent marker there is in this building," he said.

What did markers ever do to this guy? Maybe he should worry about purging possible weapons or drugs or something that seems like it could pose a more dangerous threat to the kids. Sharpie markers? Somehow, I don't imagine it leads down a dark path to drug addiction and health problems, but again...what do i know?

Is it the Nerdiest Proposal or is it the Greatest Proposal Ever?

Is this computer programmer a cheesy, sappy romantic nerd or is he a twisted genius?

It's ok honey, I'd rather you play your computer games than talk to me.

This guy managed to reprogram her favorite game (and notorious office day time waster), Bejeweled, to suddenly contain a proposal when she reached a certain score threshold. Needless to say, this won her over, and even won them a free honeymoon from the game company. Really? That really is a match made in nerd heaven. I wonder what he set the score to be? Imagine if she just kept having a bad day at the game, and he was just sitting there sweating it out nonstop. The best reaction came from the game company. They said that normally no one appreciates it when people tamper with their games, but in this case, he has to applaud the nerd winning over an actual girl. Way to tell it like it is, video game executive...way to tell it like it is.

Remember Kids, Playing Dead Protects You From Bears, Not Police

As he'd forgotten the age old rule about when to play dead, this burglar in Spain was caught by police playing dead in a funeral parlor.

Hmmm...look at those bodies. One of these things is not like the other.

How was he busted by the police? They noticed 2 things about him. One was that he was dressed in dirty clothes, and the other was that he was BREATHING! Yup, even this pinnacle of crime excellence couldn't remember to hold his breath when hiding on display. I guess it could have been worse. He could have been mistaken for a body returning to life and attacked like the man last year who dressed like a zombie for Halloween. Another good question was why he was robbing that place to begin with. That's like a page from an idiot's guide to grave robbing. The funeral home isn't full of valuables. Better luck next time!

Meet Your 100 Special Someones on Facebook!

Facebook takes another moves towards classy dating. A 23 year old girl decided to start a Facebook group titled, "I Need Sex." I think the motivation was pretty clear. Shockingly, Facebook closed her account, but not before she'd gotten 100 members in the group, 50 of whom found their way to her bed. Talk about using Facebook for some self promotion.

I thought we were exclusive!

The best quote of the article?

"She admitted some people might "look down on me" for her behaviour and said some might even say that she may as well have been a prostitute because then she would at least have been paid for sleeping with so many different men, but she said: "I don't see it like that at all. ""

It's always a good sign when your friends tell you that you might as well have been a prostitute.

Gnome Attack!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. It's coming. It's coming to get you! A whole panic stricken town is crippled. It's a GNOME!?!?

Attack of the sideways walking, pint sized gnome.

Seriously, a gnome?
This is the image that launched fear into the hearts of men, women and children in a South American town. Some kids managed to get footage of the gnome in action (See video on the link). Sure enough, it moves slowly, wears a pointy hat and walks sideways. What? It walks sideways? My favorite part about the video is that the kids are screaming in terror. They can't even film it for more than a couple brief seconds before the camera cuts off to screams. They said one of them had to go to the hospital because he was too scared. Maybe I missed out on some of the experience, but too afraid of what? It's a little gnome. It's like being scared of the cute little gnome on the travelocity commercials. Does he cast spells? The kids claim other town residents have also come forward. No one wants to leave their homes. Will the gnome be caught? Who ya gonna call?

I'd Like a Half Caff. Low Fat, Double Mocha...Kidney

Now, I've befriended starbucks barista after starbucks barista.  All i've had to show for it was the occasional free cookie.  Hats off to excessive over the top giving:

Would you like a pastry, cookie or body part with your coffee?

How about the ultimate donation of friendship and kindness.  A barista offered her regular customer and friend her kidney.  A kidney?!?  She better get a really sweet ass tip for that one.  Talk about generous.  Can you imagine what it was like for the other people in line when this took place?  I know if it had been my usual manhattan bucks, then the whole line would have groaned and said, "great, get a room and let me get my coffee!"  I won't belittle the friendship of the customer and server relationship, but how did that even come up?  Who tells their barista that they're just desperate for a kidney.  Maybe, I've never had that friendly a barista or maybe I'm more private about my medical history, but I feel like in that 1 minute exhange of goods, my latest hospital trip doesn't usually come up!  Well, good luck woman getting a new kidney.  I hope you fill that tip charge to the brim every day after this!

A Monkey Match Made in Heaven

It's true.  Even monkey's can find true love.  It's a real, live monkey wedding!

I take thee, monkey, to be my lawfully wedded husband...

Earth Obliterarted by Alien Death Rays

In the past, the death star brought about only pleasant memories of Luke Skywalker using the force and saving the rebel alliance from certain destruction.  However, times have changed.

"Look how pretty that supernova is.  Hey, it's coming closer, so we can get a better view.  It's getting really close.  Too close.  Are you warm?  I'm feeling warm."  

Apparently, this star group called WR 104 is flittering around out there just waiting to one day explode.  Just feel the drama in this quote by the scientist being interviewed:

"I used to appreciate this spiral just for its beautiful form, but now I can't help a twinge of feeling that it is uncannily like looking down a rifle barrel,"

Clearly, some mad scientist failed with his experiments on the first 103 WRs, and now WR 104 is primed to destroy us.  I do prefer the other term used, "Pinwheel of Death."  When these stars go supernova, a wave of gamma radiation will shoot across the galaxy at the speed of light, which could, among other things, obliterate all life on earth.  Everyone who's ever read a comic book knows that gamma rays just turn you into the hulk or something, right?  Maybe we'll all develop super powers instead.  The way I see it, it's really a 50/50 bet here.  Instant death or super powers.  I don't know about you, but I like those odds.

Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?

Evidently, Indiana Jones did not have any character flaws.  He's scared of snakes cause he can't help it!

What is that slithering creature?  I'm not sure, but I know that I hate it!

Two researchers from the University of Virginia believe that our fear of snakes comes from an evolutionary trait and not just cause they're generally creepy.  I must confess, I am compelled by evolutionary studies, since I used to write about them myself in college, but this is one of those that I sort of scratch my head on.  Maybe our ancestors were afraid of snakes, but at the same time, they were afraid for a reason!  It could be evolution or it could be the venom and the whole killing thing.  I didn't need my ancient monkey relatives to pass along a genetic message in a bottle!  Later on, it's explained, that at least in Virginia, it's easy to identify the venomous from the non venomous snakes by looking deep into their eyes and checking out their pupils.  Um, the last thing I want to do is stare deep into a snake's eyes.  I will hopefully be long gone before that bad boy starts crawling up my face!

Beware of Snake!

I don't even have to make up my own sentence to describe this link.  The actual headline does it enough justice:

Snake Eats Family Dog as Kids Watch

What the hell?  That story couldn't be worse unless the snake ate the kids afterwards.  The best part is the way the zookeeper decides to rub it in even more.  First he tells them that they can't remove the still being digested dog, because it could cause harm to the snake, and everyone knows that you don't do anything to that might hurt the poor snake who slithered into someone's house and inhaled the dog.  Then, he goes on to say, in a way that i read as smarmy, how they really should have just called him the other day when they saw the snake.  Although, I will say...who knew snakes measured themselves and stalked prey for days before eating.  I certainly didn't.  If I ever see a person sized snake (such as the one stalking J Lo and Eric Stoltz in Anaconda), riding on the subway next to me for a couple days, you can be damn sure that I'll call some zookeeper/superhero right away!

What's New in Doggie Fashion?

Ever wonder what a dog feels like when it has to wear a ridiculous looking sweater?  I've never owned a dog, so I can't relate to the joyous feeling people get by warming them up in some ugly sweater.  How come the clothes are never more stylish?  Well, who is making the biggest leap in preparing dogs to face the outside world?  You guessed it.....The Berlin Police Department?!?

Berlin Police Dogs:  Now prepared for all terrain!

What really sold this article to me is the picture.  I mean, check this dog out.  He's all tough, he's ready to fight crime, and he's sporting some extra mean looking bright blue shoes:

 

BRING ON THE BAD GUYS!

Criminals beware.  Once that furry dude comes running at you in a blur of ferocious brown and bright blue, then no one will know what to do with themselves!  Gone are the days of hearing, "BARK BARK OW MY TOES!"  Now, it's just all nonstop ferocity.  

TV Monkey: Who Wants to Be a Hilton?

Bored at home on a friday night?  Looking for something fun to do?  Need a new BFF to have a fun slumber party with?  You're not the only one.

Paris Hilton needs a new friend.  Could it be YOU?

Really?  Is this what it's come to?  Paris is now going to have reality show to find herself a new best friend.  According to the rep, she's tired of "haters and looking for someone new."  Well, that's what happens when you build up an enemy list amongst the A-Listers.  I'm surprised there wasn't someone new and exciting in prison to meet.  Even Martha Stewart found her friend that made her presents.  I will give Paris credit.  I've always found the best place to find anything is on a reality tv show.  I mean, look at all the happy couples that have found enduring and never ending love forever from this venue of tv.  I'm sure were it not for the paparazzi pressures, then even Joe Millionaire would be happily ever after.  I wonder how much choice she'll have over the contestants.  Here's hoping she ends up with a batch of rejects from the Flavor of Love auditions.  Now, THAT would be good television.  

Video Monkey: Monkeys vs Tiger!

I don't know what is better about this video.  The odd disney cartoon like sound effects and music or that awesome scottish guy talking at the end.  I wonder what zookeeper thought it was a good idea to mix monkeys with tigers.  At least it ends with a happy ending, and not some gruesome monkey carnage.

Los Angeles: Dirtiest Air, Cleanest Water

In tribute to Oscar Night, I bring you the results of another highly anticipated awards ceremony.  The Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting.  Envelope please....

And the award goes to...the Los Angeles area.  Wait a minute, Los Angeles?

Southern California finds a way to keep the smog and pollution out of the water.  The award for Best Municipal Water 2008 was given to Metropolitan Water District of Southern California.  They serve a few areas, including Los Angeles.  How is one of the dirtiest polluted cities spewing forth the cleanest water?  The city donates 2 gallons of their best water to this contest each year.  Imagine being a judge on this panel.  They have to rate each one on taste, odor, mouth feel and after taste.  Now, clearly I'm no expert, but should any water really have an odor or a nasty after taste?  Seriously?  If i took a sip of anything remotely rancid and containing an out of the ordinary scent/taste, I think the city officials would find themselves wearing all 2 gallons of the donated water.  Also, what is "mouth feel?"  I think water should have two very simple feels.  I want it to feel cool and refreshing.  I certainly don't want there to be anything prickly or rough or smooth.  Nothing should be feeling up the inside of mouth, while I enjoy a glass of water.  

Most importantly, where are the votes for my hometown New York City water?  Sure, it's sometimes got a chlorine like taste to it, and occasionally you've got to let the faucet run a few extra seconds until the the water stops looking brown, but damn is it ever tasty. 

Fish In Space!

Ever wonder what a good, inexpensive way to study motion sickness would be?  I can tell you what wouldn't be.:

Swimming with the stars

Some researchers were looking to study the effects of motion sickness on the body using fish in space.  Yes, fish in space.  They shot 72 fish into space in a tiny rocket with a tiny aquarium inside of it.  Apparently, fish swim in circles when they have motion sickness, so they want to see if there's a pattern to why some people get motion sickness and some don't.  Wait a minute.  Fish swim in circles when they have motion sickness?  Why don't they just stop moving?  Wouldn't that be an easier way to get over motion sickness?  

"Oh man, I feel so dizzy sick.  You guys go ahead, I'm going to swim this off.  Oh yeah, perfect circles, that's the spot.  There we go."

Luckily, the fish all returned safely to planet earth.  When asked to comment on the adventure, one of the fish replied by just swimming in circles and ignoring the interviewer.  That ungrateful little monster.

Video Monkey: Monkeys Love Bananas!

Collecting random monkey related videos from around the web.  This monkey runs into a bit of an obstacle in retrieving his desired banana:

A Different Way To Tip The Waiter

Sometimes, a waiter has a charming sass to them.  Sometimes, they just plain don't like you.  This woman encountered the latter on a recent outing to an Italian Steakhouse in England.

That lady thought my service sucked?  I've got something else she can suck

According to the story, her bill was itemized with, "Cabernet Sauvignon, crude invitation to oral sex, fish cakes."  The restaurant only said that it apologized and that this was the result of a game between the staff.  I like how no one was fired or anything.  The restaurant is clearly run in the good humor of people just challenging each other to dare contests.  

"I bet you won't drop this rat in the soup."

"Oh yeah? Watch me.  I bet you won't trip and fall and spill food on a customer."

"Oh yeah?  Well, I bet you won't throw nutmeg into that man's dessert even though he's deathly allergic."

"Oh yeah?  I bet you won't dare that woman to come to the kitchen and sex you up."

The best part of it was that according to the woman, the service was just plain awful too.  

Today's Youth Loves Cougars

Well, looks like another study has been done that requires research almost as shady as the point they are trying to prove.  It turns out that a parent's fear of their child being seduced by an old person impersonating a kid are misplaced.  Turns out, kids just dig old people.

If it looks like a sketchy, old man and talks like a sketchy, old man....

Evidently, most sexual predators today just say how old they are and they they're out prowling for sex online.  Even more interesting is that kids are down with it.  Kids aren't being lured out under false pretenses, they are doing some premeditated cougar hunting.  It's sort of surprising, cause I thought that the world was full of the dirtballs that Chris Hansen snags on "To Catch a Predator,"  but it's really savvy kids optionally chasing after older dudes.  Now, I'm not one to pick at the scientific process, but let's have a look at the subjects.  It says the survey was done on a group of internet using 10 to 17 year olds.  They also were able to confirm that social networking sites like facebook and myspace don't put them in further danger.  Is it just me, or does this reek a little bit of kids just trying not to get in trouble for being online.  "Don't worry, Mom, no one's fooling me...I've got this old man wrapped around my finger."  If we accept all these studies as fact, then why limit any of the kids online activity.  They know what they're doing completely and can't be deceived.  Hmmm, this sounds like quite a dastardly hatched kid plot to be left alone.  Perhaps, they are all smarter than I gave them credit for after all....