Obvious Monkey: Scientists Prove Liquid Courage Exists

File under the science experiment that really didn't need to be funded.

Shocker! Alcohol can make you do things you wouldn't normally do!

Wait, so when you're drunk, you're liable to get more aggressive and/or do more stupid things that you wouldn't have the courage to do sober. What an entirely new revelation that we never would have come across without science!

Earth Obliterarted by Alien Death Rays

In the past, the death star brought about only pleasant memories of Luke Skywalker using the force and saving the rebel alliance from certain destruction.  However, times have changed.

"Look how pretty that supernova is.  Hey, it's coming closer, so we can get a better view.  It's getting really close.  Too close.  Are you warm?  I'm feeling warm."  

Apparently, this star group called WR 104 is flittering around out there just waiting to one day explode.  Just feel the drama in this quote by the scientist being interviewed:

"I used to appreciate this spiral just for its beautiful form, but now I can't help a twinge of feeling that it is uncannily like looking down a rifle barrel,"

Clearly, some mad scientist failed with his experiments on the first 103 WRs, and now WR 104 is primed to destroy us.  I do prefer the other term used, "Pinwheel of Death."  When these stars go supernova, a wave of gamma radiation will shoot across the galaxy at the speed of light, which could, among other things, obliterate all life on earth.  Everyone who's ever read a comic book knows that gamma rays just turn you into the hulk or something, right?  Maybe we'll all develop super powers instead.  The way I see it, it's really a 50/50 bet here.  Instant death or super powers.  I don't know about you, but I like those odds.

Not Sleeping with the Fishes

Mobsters all over the world are going to need a new expression pretty soon. You think that you have problems sleeping at night? Perhaps you should just head over to the fish tank and commiserate with your little swimming pal.

Could you keep it down out there? It's hard enough to sleep in this glowing tank of water you keep me in!

Let's analyze this for a minute. As an expert on having insomnia myself, it's really annoying to be tired and clunky the next day. However, the fish isn't stumbling through his work day. He needs to be extra alert to...what's that? Right, swim around in a circle. Oh, you're too tired to sleep? Well, stop swimming around in a circle all day and getting re-energized. His whole life is just confined to this couple foot area glass container. I'd probably be pretty depressed too and unable to sleep. At least Nemo got to have a wild deep sea adventure with Rosie O'Donnell to add the much needed jolt of excitement to his life forever. Poor little zebrafish. Trapped forever in a sleepless tank full of nothing but doldrums and occasionally sprinkled fish food.

Men Demand Cuddling

File this in the "wouldn't see that one coming" category.

I just want someone to hold me!

According to "scientists," men apparently sleep better when there is a woman in the bed, and women do not. Well, this certainly spits in the face of the theory that men are insensitive when they are anti cuddling for the night. They're really just doing a service. That's right, a nice service to the women who don't realize that they won't be able to sleep at night otherwise. Maybe the article says it's the snoring, but if you read between the lines, this was clearly a study done by some crafty guy to escape a long night of playing big spoon. Kind of like this one:

Oh, you have a headache? I swear, it's good for you

That is science research money at its best. People give scientists a bad rap for social skills. Look at that, using their own scientific research, they're working around some of the big male complaints. No wonder Bill Nye and Mr Wizard always looked so happy.