Resourceful Drunk

This drunk ohio guy is way more resourceful than most drunks.  He built his own bar stool transportation to get too and from the bar.  I wonder if he just parked his vehicle at the bar, when he'd go drinking.  Is it still drunk driving, if you technically never leave your stool?  My favorite was his plea of not guilty, despite the fact that his response to police over how much he drank was, "a lot."

Well, it sure beats drunk segway driving

The Colonel's Real Secret Recipe

Ever been dying to know what's the secret ingredients that go into KFC's chicken?  Even the employees don't know.  It's so deadly secret, that no one questioned a caller to a NH location, who claimed to be from corporate, when he told them they'd all been exposed to something potentially deadly.  

The KFC secret is out, and it's deadly!

After pulling the fire suppression system, they stripped down and were told to get outside and pee on each other.  Yes, no one questioned this until police arrived to find them.  I think the minute, I'm told to strip down and be submitted to my coworker's golden shower in the back alley behind a KFC, I'm going to call someone to double check that the order is crystal clear.

Stop that Grandma!

A sweet, old lady in NY was arrested for the 73rd time in 37 years with a new grand larceny charge. She's just like your average grandma though, you know, baking cookies, spoiling the grandkids, playing a round of bingo and stuffing her bra full of stolen wallets.

It wasn't me! It was the on armed man!

Saw 5: Too Scary for Canada

Apparently, the Saw movie promotion included a site where you could include crank calls from horror movie icons or just the movie's main bad guy. Unfortunately, before I could use it to scare all my loved ones into despising me, it scared away Canada. There were a lot of calls to police operators for help from the various messages. Voicemails too authentic or Canada too wimpy? You be the judge.

Help, eh! There's some aboot in the house!

More Fake Money, More Real Problems

A man in Fort Worth had a brilliant plan to get money from the bank. Forge a check that "came from his girlfriend's mother," then cash it to start his own record business. There were a few flaws in his plan. One, the check was not made out to him. Two, the check was made out for 360 billion dollars.

If I had 360 billion dollars...

360 billion!?!? Almost more interesting is that the check wasn't even made out to him. The owner had no knowledge of writing said check or the money. Did he just pick a random person's name to put in there? More likely, it was the pot they found on him doing the talking. Just look at that mugshot. Doesn't look quite all there. Maybe I would have started at about 1 million, 5 million, heck, even 1 billion. 360 billion? That is a bold move. I gotta hand it to him for that kind of boldness. Unfortunately, the police don't applaud fiendish plots of forgery, and he may find 360 billion reasons to wish he wasn't going to jail.

Remember Kids, Playing Dead Protects You From Bears, Not Police

As he'd forgotten the age old rule about when to play dead, this burglar in Spain was caught by police playing dead in a funeral parlor.

Hmmm...look at those bodies. One of these things is not like the other.

How was he busted by the police? They noticed 2 things about him. One was that he was dressed in dirty clothes, and the other was that he was BREATHING! Yup, even this pinnacle of crime excellence couldn't remember to hold his breath when hiding on display. I guess it could have been worse. He could have been mistaken for a body returning to life and attacked like the man last year who dressed like a zombie for Halloween. Another good question was why he was robbing that place to begin with. That's like a page from an idiot's guide to grave robbing. The funeral home isn't full of valuables. Better luck next time!

What's New in Doggie Fashion?

Ever wonder what a dog feels like when it has to wear a ridiculous looking sweater?  I've never owned a dog, so I can't relate to the joyous feeling people get by warming them up in some ugly sweater.  How come the clothes are never more stylish?  Well, who is making the biggest leap in preparing dogs to face the outside world?  You guessed it.....The Berlin Police Department?!?

Berlin Police Dogs:  Now prepared for all terrain!

What really sold this article to me is the picture.  I mean, check this dog out.  He's all tough, he's ready to fight crime, and he's sporting some extra mean looking bright blue shoes:

 

BRING ON THE BAD GUYS!

Criminals beware.  Once that furry dude comes running at you in a blur of ferocious brown and bright blue, then no one will know what to do with themselves!  Gone are the days of hearing, "BARK BARK OW MY TOES!"  Now, it's just all nonstop ferocity.  

Way Too Life Like..Er..Dead Like

Here's an example of what not to be for halloween:

Wait, I'm alive! I swear! I'm not a real zombie. What're you doing?

This guy fell asleep on the train ride back from a halloween party to his town in Germany. The other train riders, who according to the article are "not familiar with halloween,"so naturally, I'd think a zombie on my train was a real dead person. How out do you have to be to have people think you're really dead? I mean how much partying had he done? Although, to the credit of his fellow passengers, if his hands and face were all bloody, then I probably wouldn't want to touch him too much either. I do like that the assumption was, "Oh no, this poor guy have been brutally beaten within an inch of his life, and with his dying breath he was only able to reach the train." Even the police didn't get into the festivities and they made him take off his makeup before he could continue on. Keep this in mind during halloween night. Don't make your costume TOO realistic. Although, somehow I feel like this wouldn't have happened if the guy had dressed up like Darkwing Duck.

Even Mr. Potato Head Deserves a Good Time

Remember Mr. Potato Head? He always seemed like such a fun loving guy. He was constantly keeping things interesting. If he ever got upset, then he could just pop open his back and change his mood or his hat. Imagine being able to carry around all the necessities of life right within your body. A smiley face, a pair of funny glasses, a smaller nose or 10.5 ounces of ecstacy.

Mr. Potato Head has become a drug mule!

I bet someone had to put a sad look on his face once he got busted. I hope he has a good lawyer, and isnt going to do some serious time. I don't think he's quite built for the wilds of prison. Imagine Mr. Potato Head leading a gang of rogues in the cafeteria. They'd have to do a full search on his in body compartments, just to make sure he doesn't slowly burrow his way to freedom like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. I hope this small setback puts him on the straight and narrow. I also hope that the authorities thoroughly cleaned out the drugs before he was donated to some kid that will soon be cruising the playground really enjoying the swing set.