Good Hygiene Means Staying Employed

The cardinal rule for being a good doorman is being friendly, cheerful, perhaps a good conversationalist. Yet, this guy took the wrong approach when preparing for work.

Good morning. What? Why are you running away? I'm just trying to talk to you. Why do you keep flinching? Hello!?!?

As if the warnings of your parents and the dentists weren't enough, always brush your teeth in the morning. The doorman was sent home for having bad breath. He did decide to stop eating garlic (How much of it was he eating before?!?) and use mouthwash and take breath mints. Maybe he was taking garlic breath mints. Or maybe someone switched out his mints for those Harry Potter jelly beans , and he was eating an odd assortment of disgusting taste sensations. Now, seriously though, I'm curious. How bad was his breath? I mean, doesn't the doorman sit behind a desk or at least not within close proximity to you when you come and go from a building? Was it so powerful that people could smell it from across the lobby? I'm imagining someone with breath hitting from afar. You'd think people would be able to see a visible trace of something that bad. Where will he end up next? Perhaps radio DJ, where he can be in a booth without company? Working from home? Could it really be that bad? Poor guy. So many questions....so few answers...

Saving the World Through Flatulence

Now, here's something that I haven't heard come up in any of Al Gore's speeches.

Do you smell something? I smell a cleaner planet

"Don't look at me, Mate. I'm here to save the world!"

Apparently, there's a bacteria in the kangaroo stomach that allows them to break down food differently than other animals. Why is this relevant? According to a study, 14% of the global warming emissions is the methane gas coming from cattle. I've never been to Australia, but I'm assuming that it isn't much smellier than living in New York is, but it looks like the cattle are causing some ripe problems. Who'd have known that so much damage was being done? There's a third grade quality silent but deadly joke in their somewhere that I'm missing. Don't blame the kangaroos though, their special stomachs allow them to produce clean gas. Yes, the kangaroos are apparently keeping the world safer, even if they put away a particularly bean filled bowl of chili. Mad scientists want to see if they can start modifying other animals to have this too. Did I say mad? I meant...scientists. I'm all about saving the world, but doesn't it seem like we're really grasping at straws here if they're trying to fix it this way. Somehow, I don't think the answer to the world's environmental problems lies in whatever is coming out of a sheep's ass.

I Just Called to Say I'm Creepy

I came across this link today, which is certainly an odd collision of the cyber and real world we live in today.

Hey Baby, u don't know me, but I'm standing across this bar checking u out. :) LOL :)

Now, approaching someone online is one thing. I know plenty of people who have gotten into things like match.com, but this is something else entirely. It's apparently some sort of service that allows you to text people across the room from you to "break the ice." I mean..wow. Really? I feel like nothing would flatter a girl more than texting her to tell her that she looks good, but I'm too chicken to actually come and talk to her. What's the protocol for her then? Text you back or is she forced to start the actual conversation?

Entertainingly enough, this is a direct sentence from their site, "This approach is so new and unique that very few people understand the situations in which it will work for them, or the full potential of this idea." No kidding guys. People don't entirely understand it, cause it's a little odd. If you're bold enough to go on this blind date, speed dating like location, you'd think you could talk to someone. You're all there in a big meet up meat market. The ice is already broken!

There's also a section on when this would NOT work for someone. First off, if you live in a rural environment. Sorry farmland areas, you're going to have to resort to online, there's no local bar for you. Then, if you're going through a painful break up:

"I'm still getting over a difficult breakup, will Ice Brkr still work for me?

If you're feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, you may want to make sure you have the support of close friends while meeting new people in a bar via Ice Brkr. Or you may want to consider online dating in the first instance and move on to Ice Brkr when you're feeling a bit stronger."

Damn, I have to be emotionally strong to use this site? Well there goes that. At the very least, my friends will be there with me, when the girl comes to kick my ass for texting her creepy stalker messages from across the bar!

Sadly, it's only in the UK. One day, kids....one day.

How Much Do I Tip the Pizza Guy?

Ever been standing next to the delivery guy, holding a bag of food, and thinking, "What the hell do I give this guy?"

There are all those supposed shorthand methods to what is good and bad tipping. I live in New York, and we've got our cab tipping rates. It's always $1 plus the leftover change, but if your cabbie gets into an accident, then he only gets the business end of your stern talking to, as you hop out to go about your way. Sometimes, the cabbie gets a little angry at that tip (I think it goes up accordingly per $10, so $2 plus the change for anything over $20), but if he drives you all the way out to the airport and doesn't do anything but pop the trunk, then what am I paying for? The pleasure of manual labor?

This doesn't mean that I'm into undertipping. I feel too guilty to do that. The lowest restaurant tip that I'll give is still doubling the 8.25% tax. Although, I do recall one time as a child and out with my parents, where the waiter left in the middle of our dinner. He literally left for the night, and not to the store for an extra block of cheese. I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt of a family emergency, but he just strolled down the street, happy as could be, as if he didn't have a care in the world. This left the dilemma of whether or not to tip the waiter who subbed in for him at the end. He did a good job taking care of the check and clearing the dishes, but if they don't all pool tips, then it was sort of like tipping the person who comes in and cleans the whore house after the hookers have gone home (Sadly, a process that I've witnessed, but a story for another day).

This brings me to my original point. There's a system for figuring all these out. What do you tip the pizza guy? For some reason, I've never had any idea. I find myself standing there counting bills under pressure like a game of beat the clock. Part of me hopes that if I count it slow enough, the delivery guy will just tell me a reasonable answer. Of course, after a minute of stalling, I'd almost give him $100 just to end the awkward silence. Tonight, I ordered my dinner from a restaurant online, and it allows you to factor in a tip with your online credit card purchase. When the guy showed up though, the receipt I had to sign had another line for "extra gratuity." Hadn't I already tipped? I didn't know what to do with myself, so I added another dollar. Bottom line, I need a good tipping system. The restaurant might have your name off a credit card, but the delivery guy knows where you live. I make it a practice to not anger people who know where I live.

All is Right With the World Again

Fear not, everyone. Apparently, Siegfried and Roy are open to one day making a comeback.

I promise you that tigers are nice, and my tiger friend loves me. What? No one believes me? Come on, come play with my tiger friend.

The most shocking thing about this article to me is actually how old they are. I had no idea Siegfried was nearly 70 and Roy was in his early 60s. Really guys? How rich are you by now? I know when I'm 63, that I'll be preparing for some sort of peaceful retirement and I'm not going to be getting my jollys by putting my head inside a tiger's toothy mouth!

Tis the Season...

Here we are, the holidays are upon us again. The tree has been lit at Rockefeller Center, the ice skating rinks are open again, people are outside ringing bells collecting for the needy, and the kids have started hopping into Santa's lap to find out if he'll get them what they've always wanted for Christmas. Of course, in this case, all Santa and his little friend got was a big bit of pie.

I love the way that pie oozes through your beard

This creatively named kid, "Clint Westwood," apparently took matters into his own hands to teach Santa a lesson for giving him that large sack of coal last year. He slammed a pumpkin pie into Santa's face while he was working at the mall. He wanted to wait for the little girl to move away, but then decided it was funnier with her in the shot. This budding filmmaker also recorded the whole thing, but was arrested before Santa could sign the release. Somehow, I feel like Clint Westwood is a stage name pulled from the farthest depths of creativity. It reeks of artistic genius...it almost sounds like a name I've heard before that might give the allusion of fame. Even the cop is unimpressed, as he states that Santa could have kicked this guy's ass if he'd gone over after. You certainly never saw Clint Eastwood get beat up by Santa.

Peppering Your Way to Victory

The Miss Universe Pageant got a little ugly on Sunday. I guess even those beauty queens will go to desperate measures to ensure victory.

I swear this dress is itchier than normal. What's it made out of?

Apparently, someone was so dead set on Miss Puerto Rico not pulling out a victory, that a series of pranks occurred. Her bag and credit cards were all stolen, a bomb threat was called in to halt competition and finally, someone covered her clothes and makeup with pepper spray! Pepper spray? That ingenius bastard. Now, despite this being a clever and sneaky way to exact a little vengeance, the perpetrator forgot one tiny little detail. This is a beauty competition. It's not like the winner actually gets to rule over the universe. It's the only competition in the world where when someone says, "Oh, she's just another pretty face," that's a compliment. Also, "Miss Universe" is a bit of a misnomer, I mean, do we really know that she's better looking than the top level ladies of Planet Greeblenor 9? Get it together, beauty pageant prankster. There are more important things in life.

Potato Day

Well, the turkey has come and gone, the family fun has ended, but there was a much more important issue that people weighed in on. Turkey Schmurkey. How do you like your mashed potatoes? It is the main job that I partake in on the bestest of all holidays....one devoted to devouring tasty food.

To Lump or Not to Lump

Besides the fact that my potato mashing audience did not reply kindly to suggestions of change (Apparently, no one likes to break with tradition), there is always a question of the lump to smoothness ratio. Now, I feel like without any lumps whatsoever, then how is one to know that they have been mashed entirely by hand. However, with too much lumpiness, then it is apparent and poor tasting. I mean, let's face it, who wants to chew their way through a lot of potato to get to the good stuff. This year there was a lot of stressful tasks involved in getting it all ready.

Supplies were missing at first, there were greater time constraints, 3 other pots to manage on the stove at the same time. It was nearly impossible to create any kind of potato masterpiece under conditions such as though. However, I battened down, stretched out my fingers and went to town on those potatoes. There was no time for hesitation. With the hour growing later and the masses growing hungrier, every mash could be my last. The feverish mashing went on and on. My mother was just going to have to wait to get the stuffing finished, and the corn, and the green beans, and the sweet potatoes. Oh no, what horror have I caused? I wiped the potato from my forehead, and I looked down at the two filled pots of mashed up goodness. Were they ready? I had no choice but to abandon my post. Dinner could not be delayed for mashed perfection. The needs of the many food courses outweighed the few.

Luck would strike me soon after. The crowds were happy. The angry villager family members put down their pitchforks. I had underestimated the creation that I had made due to time constraints. My potato legacy was untainted, and the magic would carry on for at least one more year without me being voted off of potato island

At Least Spider-Man Turned Out OK...

Spider bites can lead to all sorts of dangerous outcomes. There's swollen limbs, poison, super powers, and also the ever present desire to suddenly rape someone.

The spider made me do it!

Instantly climbing the ladder to the top 5 of the dumbest criminals, this guy tried to convince a court that the poison from a spider is what made him crazy enough to become a rapist. Strong defense there, pal. Next time, I get stung by a bee, then I can't wait to see what I'll get away with. I have been feeling like cash is a little tight. I didn't mean to rob that bank, the bee made me do it. Something about the combination of the honey and the toxins made me turn into Loony McPsycho, the publisher of the Crazytown Gazette. Imagine what a mosquito might do. That taint to the bloodstream could make you go insane with rage. Who is that person who looked at you funny when you cut them off getting off the subway? Next time, buddy, next time, I'm going to....what's that? Oh, he lost the case? Um, disregard this last paragraph.

Way Too Life Like..Er..Dead Like

Here's an example of what not to be for halloween:

Wait, I'm alive! I swear! I'm not a real zombie. What're you doing?

This guy fell asleep on the train ride back from a halloween party to his town in Germany. The other train riders, who according to the article are "not familiar with halloween,"so naturally, I'd think a zombie on my train was a real dead person. How out do you have to be to have people think you're really dead? I mean how much partying had he done? Although, to the credit of his fellow passengers, if his hands and face were all bloody, then I probably wouldn't want to touch him too much either. I do like that the assumption was, "Oh no, this poor guy have been brutally beaten within an inch of his life, and with his dying breath he was only able to reach the train." Even the police didn't get into the festivities and they made him take off his makeup before he could continue on. Keep this in mind during halloween night. Don't make your costume TOO realistic. Although, somehow I feel like this wouldn't have happened if the guy had dressed up like Darkwing Duck.

Dirty Dentistry

Talk about going out of your way for the patient.

Wait, those aren't your wisdom teeth?

I'm sure he's got a good reason. I mean...it's natural to prepare the mouth and jaw with some groping. Is this guy the sleaziest medical professional ever or is he some type of twisted genius? Feeling someone up in the name of good dentistry. I'm really not sure what type of jaw pains are fixed by some solid above the shirt heavy petting, but somehow, I've got faith that this guy will get to the bottom of it. That, or he may end up with an entirely different type of people looking for the solution to their newest clicking jaw problem and enjoying the exam way too much. It could be an entirely profitable side job of shady dentistry much like the pizza place with hidden strip club bar in the back that I stumbled upon a year or so ago. They served up a slice and then an illegal immigrant dancer on the side. There was also the building I lived in a few years ago that housed a brothel on the first floor. Nothing like coming home to oddly desperate looking men prowling your hallways. When the police busted it, the NY Post reported that it was turning 3 million dollars a year! Was it theoretically an illegal establishment? Yes. Was it a bit sketchy? Of course. However, I bet they were all doing more profitable business than I ever will. It's a dirty world out there, and we just live in it.

Not Sleeping with the Fishes

Mobsters all over the world are going to need a new expression pretty soon. You think that you have problems sleeping at night? Perhaps you should just head over to the fish tank and commiserate with your little swimming pal.

Could you keep it down out there? It's hard enough to sleep in this glowing tank of water you keep me in!

Let's analyze this for a minute. As an expert on having insomnia myself, it's really annoying to be tired and clunky the next day. However, the fish isn't stumbling through his work day. He needs to be extra alert to...what's that? Right, swim around in a circle. Oh, you're too tired to sleep? Well, stop swimming around in a circle all day and getting re-energized. His whole life is just confined to this couple foot area glass container. I'd probably be pretty depressed too and unable to sleep. At least Nemo got to have a wild deep sea adventure with Rosie O'Donnell to add the much needed jolt of excitement to his life forever. Poor little zebrafish. Trapped forever in a sleepless tank full of nothing but doldrums and occasionally sprinkled fish food.

Almost Winning Everything

I was thinking today, as I dropped another few dollars at McDonalds hoping to win the cool million dollars in monopoly, how easy it is to keep people coming back for such a simple little scam..er..i mean game. Here I was with many a lunch option, but sure enough the mere sight of that monopoly board sucked me in. What's the result? I almost won again. I've got 2 of just about everything, and i'm one piece away from a mountain of prizes. Aren't we always almost winning in contests? You know, if I play one more time, then I'm sure to get boardwalk and that million dollars, right? Almost winning these promotions is like almost running a marathon when you take the bus to the end after 2 miles. Ever notice how all the people they have in their "winners" videos are either old an retired or in a wheelchair. They all seem to be these inspiring stories of hope and not a single person who is just pumped for some big cash. I'd make a massive argument for the moral high ground of fighting the man and not playing the game, but I can't. I think i'm only one or two more angus third pounders away from my million dollar success story. I'll see you at the counter!

Pepsi Gets Desperate

There's been lots of epic battles throughout history, but perhaps none quite as undecided and enduring through time as Coke vs Pepsi.

Try this Pepsi Challenge on for size!

Two delivery guys at a walmart came to blows after dropping off their shipment of pepsi and coke, respectively. The moment everyone was waiting for. A drop down brawl over soda supremacy. The article claims to not know the origins of the brawl, but I think everyone knows the truth. It definitely started with Pepsi Man being a bully. Sure, pepsi may have powerful spokespeople like P Diddy, Jessica Simpson and I believe, even Carson Daly back when people remembered who he was, but it sounds to me like pepsi is just a bully. The poor Coke Man was minding his own business, then BAM! No doubt, pepsi had yelled something disparaging about his mother, as he did so. Coke reached up to defend itself, but was just blindsided by a barrage of fists. Is that what pepsi really stands for? Unprovoked attack? Next time you see a pepsi display case, I say knock it down! Coke lovers of the world unite! Let's stop this vile criminal element before it tries to spread its seed to the world's children too. It used to be only diet pepsi that got this reaction out of me, cause it tastes like old dishwater, but now, I say we must rise up and stop the entire evil pepsi empire!

Gotta Have That Applebees

This little kid in Colorado knew what he wanted to eat, and it was not on the menu of items that his mom could prepare for him. He wanted some of that classic Applebees goodness, and he wanted it bad. So, that led him to do what any 6 year old would do. He hopped in the car and hit the road.

Driving good in the neighborhood

The best part is not that a 6 year old tried to drive his family's car, just so he could have some Applebees, it's that he couldn't even get it out of reverse, and he ended up blacking out the whole neighborhood, when he hit a transformer. The big difference between that small Colorado town and if that were to happen in New York is that no one cared or pressed charges. One woman was even quoted as saying she totally understood cause she has 5 children of her own and how can you be expected to watch them at all times? I'm most in shock over it being an applebees. I mean, who doesn't love that quality family eating at a good price, but enough to steal Grandma's car and hightail it down there? He also confessed to the accident afterwards. The kid is 6, he's old enough to know better, and by know better, I mean he's old enough to know that he could at least try blaming it on someone else. I mean come on, 27 hours got blacked out. I would have at least put in a half hearted attempt to blame troublesome jimmy from next door. Next time he attempts vehicular robbery to eat a chain restaurant, I hope he's using his head more.

Real Men Beat Birds

Nobody likes to be made a fool of. Especially really excessively prideful men.

I'm manlier than this bird!

2 guys got attacked by an ostrich named, Gaylord, when they broke onto an ostrich ranch in a drunken stupor. What else could their female companions do but laugh? I mean, who doesn't think 2 guys getting kicked by an ostrich is hilarious? I hope they flew back in a cartoony like fashion. Well, these two resourceful young men did what anyone else would do. They went and taught that bird a lesson, and killed him with a rifle and a shotgun. Wait a minute...they what? That is the ultimate form of intelligence and self esteem right there. Gunning down a random ostrich. It's a shame he didn't kick them in the face. Clearly, these aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. They definitely get the giant tool of the year award. If you ever look stupid, then you just kill the thing that embarrassed you. Logic that cannot be argued. I'm sure they thought the same thing after walking into signs or falling to the ground and trying to shoot the inanimate objects. Guess what else looks stupid? Shooting an ostrich.

Elephants Are Just Big Sissies

Pretty soon no one will be scared of an incoming elephant stampede. Gone will be the days where you were scared to stroll around the street, lest you become the victim of the deafening sound of an elephant as it tramples over your car. It turns after all, that elephants are just as wimpy as we are.

Don't sting me! Please! Ow! Not on the trunk!

Elephants are scared of bees. When I was a kid, I stepped on a bees' nest once that had fallen from a tree. Somewhere between the running in terror, screaming in pain, and wondering if I would suffer the same fate as Macaulay Culkin in, "My Girl," a bee fear was born. However, I was also a much shorter, skinny, young child. Apparently, young me was braver than an elephant. Elephants may be scared off just by the buzzing sounds, and yet I stepped headlong into that nest (by accident, yes), and those warning buzzes didn't frighten me. Bring it on Grown Up Dumbos. I'm not afraid of you! What's that? Buzzzzzz. Yeah, you want more of that? Buzzzzz

Too Hot to Handle

Yesterday was the 30th Chicago marathon. As a former cross country runner for all my middle and high school days years back, I have always been tempted to attempt running it, and every time it comes time for trying to register for New York, something stops me. Even after I learned in a health class that the human body isn't built to run more than approximately 20 miles. That little voice still said, "You go run that marathon and torture yourself!" One of my friends ran it a couple years ago, and that was another waste of inspiration. However, periodically, fate intervenes and reminds me that I've made the right choice.

Mother Nature Strikes at Long Distance Runners

In what's really a terrible story, the heat was so bad that they had to stop the Chicago marathon after 3.5 hours. One man even died from it. If there's one thing I could imagine that's worse than running 26.2 miles, it's running 26.2 miles in lots of heat. I don't even like walking to the corner store in crazy heat, let alone partaking in strenuous physical activity. I remember recently in Boston, they wouldn't cancel the marathon, despite excessively dangerous muddy conditions. They even told runners to bring an extra pair of shoes or clothes. I know that I've always felt that distance running is much easier when you have a pair of shoes and change of clothes dangling around your neck, just in case. You know what would have also been smart? Canceling the event. Kudos to Chicago for cutting off the crazy.

Twisted Genius

Do you love New York and all the other nonstop VH1 reality shows? It must take a crackpot team of hundreds to crack into the stratosphere of entertainment.

We are the two luckiest guys in the world

Now, clearly as a writer, there is an inherent frustration with the world of reality tv, so I sat down to write a scathing review about how ridiculous it is that these two guys have probably made millions off the fast produced reality show genre. However, a funny thing happened on the way to my rants and raves. Wait, give me a second to power through the painful realization....I am actually oddly drawn to some of these shows. There's something oddly addicting about them. It can be like a form of television crack. I'll be lying around on a saturday afternoon, then next thing I know, I've clocked 5 hours of watching Bret Michaels scour through candidates before finding "the one to rock with." It's so addicting that you're not even put off by the fact that these guys' reality shows have already given us 4 different "true love" relationships for Flava Flav. So, go forth and create young reality show geniuses. No doubt viewers will continue to watch and pretend that they don't to the general public.

The Subway Seat Takeback

I witnessed a very interesting interaction on my commute home yesterday. It was a crowded subway during the evening rush hour, and one seat opened up. A younger guy offered this older woman the seat, and she declined it, so he sat down. A few minutes later, the train was moving painfully slow, so she looked over to him and said, "you know what? I changed my mind, and I'd like the seat now." He laughed at the comment politely thinking it a bad joke in the course of subway small talk. The woman wasn't kidding. She now wanted to sit down.

An interesting dilemma to be raised. As she would bring up, he did offer her the seat, wasn't it still hers to be claimed? He said something about how his back hurts, so he didn't want to stand once he was sitting already and apologized. Now, yes, I felt bad for this woman who had to stand with the rest of us during the slowest ride ever, but is there really a precedent for a subway seat takeback? If I offer you a bite of my pizza, and you refuse, then I finish it and you change your mind, I'm not about to regurgitate you a section to enjoy. I can't ask the cashier at the drug store for my $5 back because you decided later on that you actually did want to buy a copy of the new US Weekly.

Can someone request that a kind gesture be upheld minutes after the fact? I'm going to have to vote no. I'm also going to have to vote that the guy should have done the classic, "pretend you're sleeping so that you don't feel guilty seeing people who are older, more injured or more pregnant than you wishing they had your seat" move. You snooze you lose, old timer.