When Animals Go Bad

Normally, I try to come up with some sort of witty twist on a strange news story headline, but I think this one speaks for itself:

Seal Caught on Tape Molesting a Penguin

Yes, that's how much the seals have fallen on hard times these days. They are attacking the poor, innocent penguins. Here's the two scientific analysis quotes by a noted mammal ecologist:

"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," de Bruyn recalled today via email.

So, one might argue that it was true love between the seal and penguin. Maybe the seal was just trying to woo the penguin with his casanova like skills with the ladies.

"The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled."

Oh wait, so maybe it wasn't even a female penguin. Does the varying biology of the two species affect it? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

Holy crap, 45 minutes? Damn, that is one persistent seal. Well, if at first you don't succeed. That poor little penguin is lucky he/she wasn't suffocating under that creature that was more than 200 pounds heavier. You would think the "king penguin" breed would be a bit larger than 30 pounds. Needless to say, I hope you're hanging in there penguin, and that you got together with your buddies and led a march of the penguins after that seal.

Riding the Bull

You hear a lot of stories about annoying neighbors and the misery they cause people. I mean over the last few years alone, I've lived next to a retired lounge singer, a C list actor, loud babies, musicians, and even a functioning whorehouse, but never anything quite like this.

Hello Police? There's a bull in my yard. What should I do?

This guy got to watch a bull rip up his house. Not just any bull. His neighbor's escaped pet bull. I'm just trying to imagine my reaction if I got up and a bull was outside ripping down my fence and knocking the roof paneling off. I have a feeling it'd be panic and fear and clearly, I'm not alone. The poor guy called the Dept. of Agriculture for help, and they told him that he should just go find the bull's owner. Imagine the person on call that day. I bet he listened to that guy talk for about 30 seconds before thinking, "hell no. I'm not going over there and wrestling down a wild bull!" One of his other neighbors had to lure the bull away with a bag of grain. Now, there's a guy with some guts. He watches a bull wreak havoc on a house and yard and still goes out there with a bag of grain like the pied piper. Talk about a good samaritan. If I were the grain guy, then I'd make sure my neighbor never forgot that. "What's that? You don't like my garden gnome war scene that I've created? You think it's too violent? Guess what else is violent? A bull in your front yard. Yeah, I thought so."