What the hell? That story couldn't be worse unless the snake ate the kids afterwards. The best part is the way the zookeeper decides to rub it in even more. First he tells them that they can't remove the still being digested dog, because it could cause harm to the snake, and everyone knows that you don't do anything to that might hurt the poor snake who slithered into someone's house and inhaled the dog. Then, he goes on to say, in a way that i read as smarmy, how they really should have just called him the other day when they saw the snake. Although, I will say...who knew snakes measured themselves and stalked prey for days before eating. I certainly didn't. If I ever see a person sized snake (such as the one stalking J Lo and Eric Stoltz in Anaconda), riding on the subway next to me for a couple days, you can be damn sure that I'll call some zookeeper/superhero right away!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Beware of Snake!
I don't even have to make up my own sentence to describe this link. The actual headline does it enough justice:
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
What's New in Doggie Fashion?
Ever wonder what a dog feels like when it has to wear a ridiculous looking sweater? I've never owned a dog, so I can't relate to the joyous feeling people get by warming them up in some ugly sweater. How come the clothes are never more stylish? Well, who is making the biggest leap in preparing dogs to face the outside world? You guessed it.....The Berlin Police Department?!?
What really sold this article to me is the picture. I mean, check this dog out. He's all tough, he's ready to fight crime, and he's sporting some extra mean looking bright blue shoes:
BRING ON THE BAD GUYS!
Criminals beware. Once that furry dude comes running at you in a blur of ferocious brown and bright blue, then no one will know what to do with themselves! Gone are the days of hearing, "BARK BARK OW MY TOES!" Now, it's just all nonstop ferocity.
TV Monkey: Who Wants to Be a Hilton?
Bored at home on a friday night? Looking for something fun to do? Need a new BFF to have a fun slumber party with? You're not the only one.
Really? Is this what it's come to? Paris is now going to have reality show to find herself a new best friend. According to the rep, she's tired of "haters and looking for someone new." Well, that's what happens when you build up an enemy list amongst the A-Listers. I'm surprised there wasn't someone new and exciting in prison to meet. Even Martha Stewart found her friend that made her presents. I will give Paris credit. I've always found the best place to find anything is on a reality tv show. I mean, look at all the happy couples that have found enduring and never ending love forever from this venue of tv. I'm sure were it not for the paparazzi pressures, then even Joe Millionaire would be happily ever after. I wonder how much choice she'll have over the contestants. Here's hoping she ends up with a batch of rejects from the Flavor of Love auditions. Now, THAT would be good television.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Video Monkey: Monkeys vs Tiger!
I don't know what is better about this video. The odd disney cartoon like sound effects and music or that awesome scottish guy talking at the end. I wonder what zookeeper thought it was a good idea to mix monkeys with tigers. At least it ends with a happy ending, and not some gruesome monkey carnage.
Los Angeles: Dirtiest Air, Cleanest Water
In tribute to Oscar Night, I bring you the results of another highly anticipated awards ceremony. The Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting. Envelope please....
Southern California finds a way to keep the smog and pollution out of the water. The award for Best Municipal Water 2008 was given to Metropolitan Water District of Southern California. They serve a few areas, including Los Angeles. How is one of the dirtiest polluted cities spewing forth the cleanest water? The city donates 2 gallons of their best water to this contest each year. Imagine being a judge on this panel. They have to rate each one on taste, odor, mouth feel and after taste. Now, clearly I'm no expert, but should any water really have an odor or a nasty after taste? Seriously? If i took a sip of anything remotely rancid and containing an out of the ordinary scent/taste, I think the city officials would find themselves wearing all 2 gallons of the donated water. Also, what is "mouth feel?" I think water should have two very simple feels. I want it to feel cool and refreshing. I certainly don't want there to be anything prickly or rough or smooth. Nothing should be feeling up the inside of mouth, while I enjoy a glass of water.
Most importantly, where are the votes for my hometown New York City water? Sure, it's sometimes got a chlorine like taste to it, and occasionally you've got to let the faucet run a few extra seconds until the the water stops looking brown, but damn is it ever tasty.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Fish In Space!
Ever wonder what a good, inexpensive way to study motion sickness would be? I can tell you what wouldn't be.:
Some researchers were looking to study the effects of motion sickness on the body using fish in space. Yes, fish in space. They shot 72 fish into space in a tiny rocket with a tiny aquarium inside of it. Apparently, fish swim in circles when they have motion sickness, so they want to see if there's a pattern to why some people get motion sickness and some don't. Wait a minute. Fish swim in circles when they have motion sickness? Why don't they just stop moving? Wouldn't that be an easier way to get over motion sickness?
"Oh man, I feel so dizzy sick. You guys go ahead, I'm going to swim this off. Oh yeah, perfect circles, that's the spot. There we go."
Luckily, the fish all returned safely to planet earth. When asked to comment on the adventure, one of the fish replied by just swimming in circles and ignoring the interviewer. That ungrateful little monster.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Video Monkey: Monkeys Love Bananas!
Collecting random monkey related videos from around the web. This monkey runs into a bit of an obstacle in retrieving his desired banana:
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
A Different Way To Tip The Waiter
Sometimes, a waiter has a charming sass to them. Sometimes, they just plain don't like you. This woman encountered the latter on a recent outing to an Italian Steakhouse in England.
According to the story, her bill was itemized with, "Cabernet Sauvignon, crude invitation to oral sex, fish cakes." The restaurant only said that it apologized and that this was the result of a game between the staff. I like how no one was fired or anything. The restaurant is clearly run in the good humor of people just challenging each other to dare contests.
"I bet you won't drop this rat in the soup."
"Oh yeah? Watch me. I bet you won't trip and fall and spill food on a customer."
"Oh yeah? Well, I bet you won't throw nutmeg into that man's dessert even though he's deathly allergic."
"Oh yeah? I bet you won't dare that woman to come to the kitchen and sex you up."
The best part of it was that according to the woman, the service was just plain awful too.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Today's Youth Loves Cougars
Well, looks like another study has been done that requires research almost as shady as the point they are trying to prove. It turns out that a parent's fear of their child being seduced by an old person impersonating a kid are misplaced. Turns out, kids just dig old people.
Evidently, most sexual predators today just say how old they are and they they're out prowling for sex online. Even more interesting is that kids are down with it. Kids aren't being lured out under false pretenses, they are doing some premeditated cougar hunting. It's sort of surprising, cause I thought that the world was full of the dirtballs that Chris Hansen snags on "To Catch a Predator," but it's really savvy kids optionally chasing after older dudes. Now, I'm not one to pick at the scientific process, but let's have a look at the subjects. It says the survey was done on a group of internet using 10 to 17 year olds. They also were able to confirm that social networking sites like facebook and myspace don't put them in further danger. Is it just me, or does this reek a little bit of kids just trying not to get in trouble for being online. "Don't worry, Mom, no one's fooling me...I've got this old man wrapped around my finger." If we accept all these studies as fact, then why limit any of the kids online activity. They know what they're doing completely and can't be deceived. Hmmm, this sounds like quite a dastardly hatched kid plot to be left alone. Perhaps, they are all smarter than I gave them credit for after all....
Death From Above
The earth is in danger, as a deadly satellite plummets to earth. If it reaches the ground, it could disperse deadly fumes to 2 football fields worth of land. The president has approved a plan for the military to shoot it down before it can cause the untold damage. Is this the summer blockbuster for the season? Oh no, it's apparently real life. What a world we live in. I wonder, if this plan fails, will plan B contain Bruce Willis and a team of experts going up to the satellite and attempting to disable it?
Monday, February 18, 2008
Devil Frog Will Ribit Your Face Off
Everyone loves a little frog. It hops around playfully. It's got a weapon for a tongue, that can grab flies out of the air so fast like they were never there. Most importantly, they are SMALL and HARMLESS. Well, not anymore.
Scientists have unearthed the fossils of a frog the size of a bowling ball. This bad boy of prehistoric times came in at around 16 inches tall and 10 pounds. A couple of those suckers hopping around would probably rattle your glass of water as much as a T-Rex. They sported a rather mean dinosaur temperament too. What's worse is that they had the jawpower to back it up. The superfrog strength of its jaw was enough to supposedly break a baby dinosaur. Just look at this picture:
It's got a modern day frog looking up and thinking, "So, this is how it ends," while a pencil sits idly by not trying to rescue him. Stupid useless number 2 pencils.
Do these frogs exist in any form today? Apparently, they might. There's a type of frog in South America called, "ceratophyrines," AKA, "Pac Man Frogs." I don't think you need a rocket scientist to tell you how they attack. I wonder if they make ribit noises as they move like pac man did. Ribit, ribit, ribit, CHOMP. Either way, I value my ankles, and I certainly wouldn't want to run into the Devilized Pac Man frog anywhere. I only have more love for my tiny, hopping froggy friends now.
What Knight Rider Should Have Been
This is a much better update to the old Knight Rider TV show that the Hoff himself made. I know it's over a year old, but frankly, it never gets old! Who wouldn't want to jump in his car?
TV Monkey: Knight Rider Movie
Last night, I sat down to "enjoy" the new updated Knight Rider movie. Let me just tell you going in, that the most exciting thing about this movie was the anticipation of when the Hoff was going to appear in a cameo. Not only was the car unimpressive, but the bad guys seemed to have all the same technology. They even had the ability to attempt to hack in and take control of it. How formidable and impressive is your technologically enhanced car if it's already threatened by stereotypical nerdy computer hacker guy in episode 1! The star, Justin Bruening, showed his full range of acting skills honed on, "All My Children," as the way too morally sound, Jamie Martin, that put up with way too much trouble and drama throughout his love affair with the mostly annoying, Babe Carey. Er, that is, well, what I've heard. Back to the point. The brief redemption came at the end, during the Hoff's cameo. I bet Will Arnett's original vocals would have been better, and like any movie, it could have used more Hoff.
1 out of 5 bananas on the TV Monkey scale.
Comic Monkey Returns
It's been over a month, since the last post here at Comic Monkey. Well, I'm back and this time, there'll be even more types of content. What will it be you ask? Stay tuned...
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